Children’s education series hosted by Mark Curry, in which the former Blue Peter presenter visited some of the countries safe houses and talked to criminals who have become police informers. In a hilarious outtake, Curry was arrested and charged with larceny and attempted murder when one of the supergrasses mistakenly identified him as Barry “The Nose” Grundy, a notorious gangland mobster.

Britellica rating ** (Mark Curry will always be a twonk)

“Sale of the Sentry” 

The decline of the Royal Family is often attributed to two ill chosen television projects. Firstly was their famous It’s a Knockout special and the second was this charity auction where rich-but-desperate women made bids to try and win a night of sexual gratification with one of Buckingham Palace’s guards. As if that wasn't bad enough, the project was quickly abandoned and hushed up, allegedly because Prince Edward was the highest bidder.

Britellica rating -** (homophobes)

Joanna Lumley and Calista Flockhart starred in this revival of the popular 1980s no-budget sci fi series. Lumley retained her powers of altering time and instantly winning peoples trust while Flockhart's special powers included annoying everyone so much that they forgot about being eaten away by time, being so thin that she disappeared if she stood sideways on and the ability to call upon a dancing baby at inappropriate moments. The series ran for one season before ratings collapsed entirely. A one-off special in which the two women kissed in a not-at-all-desperate-for-ratings-way failed the save the show. The characters were last seen in dire peril - Sapphire being dragged into a time portal while McBeal disappeared up her own backside.

Britellica rating ** (much of the dialogue was drowned out by the sound of David McCallum laughing from his estate in California)

Sit com featuring Terry Scott and June Whitfield as a nice middle class couple transferred to the Antarctic by Terry’s fearsome boss. Living next door to them was a funny Eskimo couple who entertained the audience with their strange know-no-better-bless-them foreigner ways. The weekly highlight was when Terry would spit out a whole mouthful of tea and it would freeze solid before it hit the table. A ratings smash, it nevertheless came to an end in 1982 when two members of the audience developed hypothermia and died during a recording.

Britellica rating **** (the Eskimos have lots of words for snow, the British have only three words for funny and the other two are “Terry” and “June”)

In a dismal attempt to rival OTT, the adult spin-off from TISWAS, the BBC decided to remake their flagship Saturday morning show in a similar way. Unfortunately, the programme was blighted with difficulties: Numerous potential transsexuals appeared, but presenter Noel Edmonds was clearly uncomfortable, and made numerous off-colour references;  Live satellite links to sex change operations taking place round the world frequently failed, and left John Craven swearing embarrassedly at the camera;  and in one notorious sequence, Maggie Philbin attempted to perform a penisectomy on a clearly worse for drink Keith Chegwin live on air. The only bright point was a weekly slot entitle Posh Paws’ Xes, where the puppet detailed his weekly sexual and drug taking excess to a delighted viewing public.

Britellica rating -* (only marginally better than the sequel "Saturday Super Whore" with Pimpin' Mike Read and faux-hooker Sarah Greene)

Following the success of “Duncan Dares”, BBC bosses thought that other former Blue Peter presenters should have their own spin off shows. Simon Says starred Simon Groom and each week he would go somewhere sensible and say lots of sensible things. Only his rapidly receding hairline let viewers know that they weren’t simply watching the same episode every week. Highlights included the episode where he went to his parents farm, the episode where he went to a Norfolk trouser factory and the episode where he helped an insomniac man to get to sleep. It ran for three series between 1985 and 1987.

Britellica rating *** (a nice, sensible score)

Controversial Pop Idol spin-off hosted by Declan Donnelly and Ant McPartlin, in which any good-looking contestants with a modicum of talent were ignored in favour of fat, ugly people with utterly tuneless singing voices. Instead of actually being voted for by viewers, the contestants were simply ridiculed until they were crying and suicidal by judges Simon Cowell, Lord Longford, and Paul Ross.

Britellica rating * (made millions out of text messages from viewers anyway)

Blue Peter spin-off where Valerie Singleton tried to find partners for lonely people. Controversy dogged the show because the eager Valerie never bothered to find out whether people were (a) lonely and (b) looking for partners. The resulting mess usually had awkward but cruelly hilarious consequences. It lasted two seasons before a botched attempt to pair off a camp air steward and a lady wrestler resulted in her body slamming Valerie and accidentally knocking her wig off.

Britellica rating * + * = (or so Valerie Singleperson was convinced)

Two dimensional children's animation featuring a work shy steam engine and his embarrassingly Welsh driver. The episodes featured such storylines as Skiver being too lazy to leave his shed, Skiver being too lazy to pick up passengers, Skiver being too lazy to go shhkabob shhkabob and Jones the Steam having to do it for him and Skiver being too lazy to even turn up for the recording with Jones having to fill the five minutes with impressions of how famous people wouild've sounded if they'd been embarrassingly Welsh. 

Britellica rating ** (worth watching just for the shhkabob noise)

Controversial children's series (with catchy theme tune by former HSBC voice over man Peter Davison) which featured a puppet family made entirely from sex toys. Each week they would leave their home and blast off in their phallic shaped rocket. They would inevitably arrive on Slutton Moon and have a surreal adventure involving naked women and trips into dark, damp caves. They'd then return home for tea and end the episode looking through their telescope at the attractive women who lived next door.

Britellica rating ** (it's no wonder computer games became popular when this was the alternative)

Notorious H.E. Bates inspired gangster thriller series, starring Vinnie Jones as Pa Larkin, the aging and embittered head of a crime family losing its iron grip of a gentle Kent village. Well remembered for its excessive swearing, violent gangland executions, and tranquil English countryside location footage, the show co-starred Bob Hoskins, Steve McFaddon, and Pam Ferris.

 Britellica rating ** (lock, stock and two churning barrels)

Comedy series set in an abortion clinic starring June Whitfield as the well-meaning but hapless Francis Spencer, a nurse who attempts to do well but ultimately leaves a trail of destruction in her wake. The show was recorded in a real hospital, and Whitfield won universal praise for her determination to perform all of her character’s abortions herself, without the use of a stunt double.

Britellica rating **** (only cancelled when Terry Scott told BBC management that he wanted his bird back)

Noisy and messy 1970s children’s ‘comedy’ series for disabled children. Considered the height of bad taste even in the 1970s which is believed to be a unique achievement. Axed after three seasons when the number of lawsuits for wheelchairs ruined by the toxic and corrosive gunk used in those days became overwhelming. “This is a sad day for the retarded” said the BBC’s head of Minority Broadcasting, “as it gave cripples a voice in our society”. Fortunately a replacement head of Minority Broadcasting was appointed before “Pakijack” could take its place in the schedules.

Britellica rating -******** (even the Krankies feigning various disabilities couldn’t raise this one above the level of “bad arse”)

With hindsight it was probably a mistake to broadcast this marginal award ceremony live on BBC1 and to book Wembley Stadium. No surprise as Ronnie Corbett won for the sixth year in a row, narrowly beating Ronnie Barker into second place. Dame Edna Everage won “Best Use of Novelty Glasses” while Patrick Moore was awarded “The Lord Charles Memorial Monocle Trophy”. The tragically clear sighted host Angus Deayton won no friends at all with his opening line “I’m over here, you blind tossers.”

Britellica rating -*-*- (that looks nothing like a pair of glasses does it?)

Married couples experiencing relationship difficulties get advice from cheeky scouser Stan Boardman. The best bits were when Stan told the man how lucky he was that he would be losing his mother in law because Stan’s mother in law was so fat that she had her own post code, had more chins than a Chinese phone book, got on a speak your weight machine and was told “one at a time” and was run over by a motorist because he said he didn’t have enough fuel to go around her. Ran for two series between 1979 and 1980 and caused more divorces than Princess Diana.

Britellica rating ** (He was the only Boardman but not the only bored man)

“Stress This Mouse”

Cruel series in which people would bet on how long it would take before a mouse (who was subjected to various cheese related tortures) snapped and became insane. Highlight was the mouse who became so deranged that he managed to fashion a working handgun out of cheddar and shot three nasty scientists.

Britellica rating * (worse than Tom and Jerry)

Following an on air falling out, Sooty and Sweep parted company and each launched solo careers. But while Sooty went on to bigger and better things with a Sweep look-a-like (also called Sweep as Sooty has the best lawyers in show biz) while Sweep sank into obscurity. This sad fly-on-the-wall documentary followed the little dog as he was reduced to stacking shelves in Tesco. Ran for three weeks in 1993 before Sweep was sacked for not being able to reach the high shelves.

Britellica rating * (“izzy wizzy you better get busy or we’ll sack your grey furry arse, pooch”)

Another series trying to latch on to the Cockney bandwagon. This featured Michael Elphick and Dennis Waterman being Cockneys in a variety of Cockney locations. Each week they would team up in a gruff Cockney manner and defeat the evil schemes of a Cockney villain and his Cockney henchmen. The only thing which differentiated it from all the other Cockney series on television at the time was the weekly moment where Dennis Waterman would spit tea all over the table in surprise and cry out "Booooon"

Britellica rating ** (Dennis Waterman's theme tune was every bit as Cockney as all his other ones)

“This Morning with Punch and Judy”

ITV denied it at the time but this attempt to relaunch their morning schedules with three hours of sofa talk hosted by two puppets was clearly an exercise in cost cutting. Quickly replaced by the slightly more realistic Fern Brittan and the smoothly wooden John Leslie.

Britellica rating ** (highlight was an interesting slant on the domestic violence debate)

Pam Rhodes was an odd choice to present a history of the bikini but she did a sterling job despite the cellulite and need for strategically placed pews. The fact that the BBC’s religious department produced it meant that the models paraded up and down the isle in some of Britain’s most holy cathedrals. Ran for three episodes before the Arch Bishop of Canterbury threatened to excommunicate Mamaduke Hussey.

Britellica rating **** (hilarious while it lasted)

Jeremy Clarkson presented the search for Britain’s number one homosexual in this eight week documentary series. The young Clarkson – then sporting an even nastier perm than he has today – was told by the producer to “act camp” and the sight of him limpwristedly flirting with moustachioed Northerners was a telly highlight of 1981. As a point of historical interest, this was a revival of a format from 1966 – “English Deviant of the Year” – where the contestant’s faces had to be blurred as their habits were illegal at the time.

Britellica rating ** and an “ooh ducky”

Fly on the wall documentary following a heavily armed Transvestite militia in the American town of Prejudiss, TX. They claimed they needed the arsenal of machine guns and grenades to defend themselves against (and I quote) "foreigners, immigrants, criminals and drag queens who want to steal our dresses". Presenter Louis Theroux stopped being slimy and a bit sinister after a six foot four inch man in a floral patterned frock told him about the eight people he'd killed during his trying period of coming out of his mother's closet.

Britellica rating ** (Americans just are strange. Fact.)
 

“Trumped On”

Abysmal animated pilot where six firemen lined up, did their roll call (all together now “Hugh, Hugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb) and then had to see who could cope the longest with Captain Flack breaking wind at them. Barney McGrew was declared the winner after six minutes thirty two seconds of prolonged flatulence. He was said to be “wobbly” afterwards but said “I'm right proud of meself”.

Britellica rating ** (not as good as the gay spinoff Camberwick Queen)

Mismatched early evening light entertainment programme starring BBC theme tune supreme Ronnie Hazlehurst and Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs. Each week, Biggs would detail some of his bloodthirsty crimes to unconvincing gasps of horror from Hazlehurst, who would then improvise a piece of music based on the story, with the assistance of the BBC Light Orchestra.

Britellica rating * (yet another cheesy music meets violent crime programme. Whatever happened to imagination?)

 Frankie Howerd vehicle which featured him as hilarious Indian servant Gedupta Mischief during the British occupation of the Subcontinent. Ran for two series in 1978 – 79 and the many and varied moments of hilarity included Howerd going “Oooooooooh” and his brand new catch-phrase for this series “Goodness gracious me, Missis”. Howerd courted controversy by refusing to “black up” for the part which was considered dangerously radical for the 1970s when newsreaders and politicians often blacked up just for the hell of it.

Britellica rating *, * (and thrice) *

Unfathomable and demeaning game show hosted by Bob Monkhouse where contestants would race to bring themselves to orgasm over pictures of television weather forecasters and members of the Royal Family in an attempt to win the holiday of a lifetime to Scarborough.

Britellica rating **** (worth it for the moment when the winners realised that the prize was literally a lifetime on holiday in Scarborough)

Tasteless Australian children’s cartoon featuring Wanka Wombat and his friends Shaggaroo and Cocker the Koala. Main baddie was Pervo the Pom. This odd animation was entirely funded by the Australian Department of Culture and was intended to make people visit the country. It was withdrawn from international distribution after a BBC viewer spotted that there were two vagabond cats called Saggy Pussy and Smelly Pussy.

Britellica rating **** (have you ever played the Wanka Wombat drinking game? Take a drink every time you find a character with a dirty name and you’ll be paralytic within fifteen minutes. My favourite name was Crunt Minusar)

S&M themed game show in which minor celebrities bared their buttocks and got spanked in exchange for filling the blank in correctly. One of the celebrity’s buttocks would be for the male contestant and one for the female one. Hosted by a clearly embarrassed Lenny Bennett. Regular guests included Frank Bough, Felicity Kendall and Kenny Everett. Being the 1970s the audience were impressed with any old crap offered as prizes including the semi-legendary award of a night with a Czechoslovakian prostitute for the losing contestants along with a commemorative biro. Most people deliberately shunned the hostess trolley in order to with the Wankety Spank Czechfuck and pen.

Britellica rating **** (those who saw the Christopher Biggins’ buttocks will never forget them).

"Watch Out - Google's About"

New hidden camera show where unsuspecting members of the public typed their name into the famous search engine and, hilariously, are presented with a series of obscene results. One famous show saw a fat, working class man discover that he shared his name with a Taiwanese brothel, a website specialising in rubber goats, a Japanese practice involving semen and a straw, an American cult which believed that the genitals were the source of all evil and a Canadian man who had married nine women with a combined age of thirty seven. While he was seeing all this, his fat working class wife and all his fat working class friends howled with fat working class laughter in the studio. The dismal scene was only saved when he called host Roy Walker a "cunt faced shit licker".

Britellica rating * (he was right about Roy Walker even though he was fat and working class)

Between Anne Robinson and Nicky Campbell there was a two week spell of Timmy Mallett presenting television’s most vicious programme. The head of British Gas came face to face with Maud Watkins who had been over charged on her last bill by one hundred and fifty two thousand pounds in a segment where Mr Mallett hit both of them with a foam hammer if they hesitated or repeated themselves. Highlight was telling Richard Branson he wouldn’t interview him until he’d said “Bleahhhh” and stuck his tongue out. The era was described as “unfortunate” by the head of the BBC’s Fact Department and “chronic” by the Daily Gesture.

Britellica rating * (because we don’t want to be hit by Mr Mallett for repeating the *)

Short-lived BBC consumer affairs programme dealing with complaints from viewers about poor customer service from the major religions. Hosted by John Stapleton, Lynne Faulds-Wood, and Doctor Robert Runcie, the programme was initially a great success, but soon found itself in hot water during an on-air debate when a caller described God as “a rip-off merchant” and the Church of England as “worse than the Post Office”.

 Britellica rating *** (Stapleton is going to hell)

Monstrously degrading Channel Four programme of the late 1980s, starring a clearly ill Ron Pickering and children described in TV Times as “wets, weirdoes, and fatties”. Every week, children who were utterly unsuited to any forms of physical exercise were put through a hellishly rigorous variety of sporting acts, ending every week with a swimming pool race that frequently saw at least one child drown. The show always ended with Pickering’s legendary catchphrase: “I’ve just one thing left to say… you’re all expendable.”

Britellica rating -** (Thatcherism in child-centric sporting entertainment)

“Westenders”

Melodramatic soap opera featuring actors and actresses from the major London shows. Cliffhangers included a bad review from the Evening Standard, the disappearance of a man's foundation, the cutting of one and a half lines from an actress's part and the director suggesting that an actor who had once been in a sit com didn't have very good comic timing.

Britellica rating ** (you're havin' a laugh, luvvie)

Pilot in which people got to punch Richard Branston in the face as a reward for correctly answering questions. Despite over thirty blows raining down on his grinning visage, Mr Branston kept on smirking in a smug manner. Sadly never became a full series when Mr Branston’s commitments as head of the world-wide pickle empire meant he couldn’t commit and his proposed replacement – Jeremy Beadle – got a better offer to host a brand new home video based comedy series. Chris Evans now owns the rights so join with me in praying that he revives the format and stars.

 Britellica rating ** (they banned cricket bats)

Reality series in which all the contestants were men and women who wore hair pieces and each week one would lose the public vote and have to remove it. The highlight of the show was mid way through the second series when Rob Smeeton of Penge and Claire Flump of Newcastle each got 575,588 votes and the judges ruled that in the case of a draw Davina McCall would have to take her wig off. Davina initially refused until she was promised an extra 6.7% of the phone-poll profits and used the money to pay for hair plugs.

Britellica rating *** (the best bits were the sound dropouts)

Fashion documentary comparing the inhabitants of West Bromwich with scarecrows (the scarecrows won). Widely condemned by a bunch of cloth cap wearing whippet owners as being a shocking piece of Northern stereotyping, the series nevertheless lasted a full ten weeks. The presenter – Raymond Baxter – said in his autobiography that he only took the job “for the money and the easy Northern birds.”

Britellica rating * (drab and boring and that’s just the subject matter)