From a time when the British would get excited about crap prizes came this live broadcast where those who had spent sixpence on a ticket could win a vase or set of plates. Presented by a pre-plastic surgery Kenneth Williams and a pre-stardom Lulu every Saturday night, this was a highlight of the week’s viewing. Although no footage exists from these live broadcasts (rumour has it that Kenneth Williams personally ate a can of film recorded by a fan of the show) we are aware that one week Lulu dropped the star prize and the audience wet themselves. Literally. The combination of water and electrical cabling brought the show to a premature conclusion.

Britellica rating ** (the recent revival with actual cash was even worse)

 Science fiction fantasy series set in an alternative reality beneath the streets of London, where Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine have no dress sense whatsoever, and are on the run from the fashion police, Jo Brand, and BBC Worldwide.

Britellica rating ***** (an instant classic of the sci fi /fashion crossover genre)

Very popular satellite rerun of classic episodes of News at Ten. Problems with rights meant that no episodes featuring Mrs Thatcher could be shown. Ultimately it was cancelled when UKGold received over half a million complaints from morons who believed the ten year old weather forecasts and suffered meteorological traumas. Ran every night from August 1993 to July 1995 and was an excellent opportunity to relive the magic of Sandy Gall.

Britellica rating * (bong) * (bong) * (bong) *

Short lived late night BBC2 series where Jeremy Paxman presented various publicity hungry backbench MPs battling in jelly. The producer was locked on a desert island for coming up with this one.

Britellica rating ** (Glenda Jackson was the undisputed champion)

Dismal attempt to cash-in on the drugs and dance music craze of late eighties by Noel Edmonds. Each episode would feature The Gotcha Oscars, where drug dealers were filmed being arrested, ETV, where viewers would be surprised into taking Ecstasy, and Grab A Stash, where a contestant would be locked in a glass cage and attempt to imbibe as many acid tablets as possible in one minute. The show, co-hosted by Mr Smiley, an enormous acid-house face with a habit of causing mayhem, was eventually axed after viewers complained that Edmonds’ selection of sweaters were causing them to have serious bad trips.

Britellica rating -*** (Noel Edmonds is Noel Edmonds and couldn't get a positive rating if he drank fifteen pints and took a breathalyser test)

Short-lived David Croft comedy series of the late 1990s, starring Felix Bowness as the serial killer Harold Shipman, with Jeffrey Holland and Paul Shane as his fellow practitioners Doctor Peeler and Doctor Death. The show’s premise was that Greater Manchester police believed Doctor Death (Shane) was killing his patients, and sent in an undercover policeman (Holland) into the surgery to pose as another Doctor and gain evidence. The running gag was that while the heroic but blundering Peeler vainly attempted to prove the conniving Death’s guilt, Shipman was running amok and butchering several hundred pensioners.

Britellica rating -*** (Su Pollard played the receptionist and that damns it for all eternity)

Political magazine programme hosted twice weekly by the former Conservative minister for Agriculture. Every week, a camera crew would arrive at the house of an unsuspecting member of the public, who would open the door, and in a gasp of shock, utter the words of the title, which would then be followed by half an hour of light-hearted news and comment from the member of the public’s house. Initially, the show went out live, but went to a delayed transmission after the first nine home owners failed to say the words of the title upon opening the door to Selwyn-Gummer. Instead, they greeted him with variously, stunned silence, profanity, and on one notorious occasion, a punch to the face and a kick in the testicles, by a Milton Keynes man who mistook him for actor Christopher Biggins.

Britellica rating *** (see – we do like intelligent programmes as well as shite)

Early prototype of One Foot in the Grave featuring William Hartnell as Vincent Mildew, a cantankerous old gent. The first episode set up the format of the show with Mr Mildew sacked from his job as a gas lamp lighter when the council moved to sodium street lighting. Hartnell’s catch phrase of  “I find that hard to believe ” instantly became a national institution. Sadly the show was axed after three episodes when Mr Hartnell forgot his lines during a live broadcast and shouted to the director “What shit do I say next, you scabby old Jew?”

Britellica rating **** (Doctor Hartnell is god anyway)

Controversial sit com remake of Oliver Twist featuring Nicholas Lyndhurst as Oliver, David Jason as Mr Bumble the beadle and Buster Merryfield as Fagin. Writer John Sullivan acknowledged the part Charles Dickens played in the creation of the show by crediting him as "script consultant" and letting him sing the theme song.

Britellica rating ** (please sir, can we have a bit less?)

Channel Five documentary series looking at the immense wealth of television stars David Jason, Nicholas Lyndhurst, and Buster Merryfield. The show was an eye-opener to viewers, showing Jason as a bigoted snob (“None of my servants are cockneys, Good God no.,.”), Lyndhurst as a violent sexual failure (“Buy me that f***ing Viagra or I’ll knock your head off, Mum…”) and Merryfield as a poetic dreamer, unaffected by his enormous fortune (“During the war, I didn’t ‘ave nuffin..”). A projected second series, which was to have exposed Roger Lloyd-Pack as an embezzler, John Challis as an alcoholic, and Gwyneth Strong as a transsexual, was cancelled after threats of legal action from the BBC, the stars involved, fans of "Only Fools and Horses" and The British Cockney Anti-Defamation League.

Britellica rating ** (the classic moment where David Jason accidentally dropped a chandelier on his brand new Porsche was hilarious)

Medical documentary which followed a team from St Gary's Hospital as they performed fascinating but unnecessary surgery on David Gower and all his close relatives. We saw a variety of procedures demonstrated on the former England captain, many of them rectal. Highlights included the episode where all operations were carried out blindfolded and the one where they followed instructions from a textbook which had key words blanked out and the surgeons had to guess which major artery or nerve was hidden by the black rectangle. The hilarious climax came when the doctors revealed that they were all former medical students who had failed their exams and were doing the show as a way of paying for a second chance at qualifying. Mr Gower laughed heartily but still sued the BBC for making him look silly.

Britellica rating *** (it was enough to turn our hair white too)

“Paint and Greavsie”

Afternoon series in which alcoholic presenter Jimmy “Greavsie” Greaves chatted to various minor celebrities while painting poor quality water colours of them. The final episode of the series saw Mr Greaves trying to sell his paintings in order to buy gin but only earned enough for a can of Fanta. Was last seen chucking it in the bin saying "I can still feel my feet - that stuff is shit incarnate".

Britellica rating ** (it was daytime - what did you expect, Shakespeare?)

Short lived detective series where Pan’s People solved murder mysteries in Amsterdam. Cashing in on the trend for gimmicked celebrity based crime shows, this was perhaps the worst offender as the girls refused all outside filming and wouldn’t appear in any scene where their hair and makeup wasn’t perfect. The song and dance routines didn’t help either. The highlight was undoubtedly the six minute opening titles sequence.

Britellica rating * (Top of the flops)

1998 series in which billionaire traveller Michael Palin completed the arduous journey from his massive pile of cash to the massive pile of cash that he would receive for doing another of his witty travelogues. The voyage was fraught with incident including the episode where Palin broke down in tears at the shock of being so far away from a massive pile of cash. Luckily he was able to find an internet café and see his massive pile of cash via his webcam.

Britellica rating ** (Michael Palin’s favourite song is “Money makes me go round the world”)

“Play Your SARS Right”

Tasteless game show from 2003 where the mayors of various global cities had to answer questions about precautions to prevent the spread of the fashionable contagious disease and then speculate as to whether their measures would make the death toll higher or lower.

Britellica rating ** (just don't sneeze or you'll be locked up)

Ill thought out children’s show where Brian Cant and co would teach children to find new and dangerous places to play. Encouraging kids to ask strangers to help them find hidden play spots, the programme said it was “Fostering a spirit of adventure”. Questions were asked in Parliament and the programme was hastily replaced by a repeat of the Famous Five where a group of children go off to dangerous places and have exciting adventures. 

Britellica rating ** (Jeremy Irons telling kids “men with puppies are always interesting” was a telly highlight of 1974)

Anneke Rice’s hedonistic quest to visit every brothel in England by helicopter was one of 1987’s finest treats. Guided from a studio by the always sexy Kenneth Kendall and winsome Wincey Willis, Ms Rice visited one hundred and eight brothels in ten super charged weeks. Being Channel 4, they were able to show a little more of Ms Rice’s activities within the houses of sin than they would’ve done had this been the BBC. Highlights included forty-five minutes of S&M in Huddersfield while Kenneth Kendall entertained visitors with some facts from a book and Wincey Willis talked knitting patterns.

Britellica rating *** (No arguments – she has a bum that’s made for spanking)

Lower class clone of University Challenge. Best remembered for the week where no one got a single question right despite them adding a sports and soap operas round. Hosted by a young Janet Street Porter, the show ran for eight series between 1983 and 1989 before the students on University Challenge were considered socially diverse enough (and thick enough) for it to be deemed redundant.

Britellica rating ** (your starter for ten - how many points did this programme score in the EB Ratings?)

Show where gullible members of the public voted on which figurine most resembled the sea faring cartoon character. Hosted by Ant (Dec refused to join in). It made the producers millions of pounds and gripped the least intellectual deciles of the population for three solid months.

Britellica rating -** (shite)

“Postman Phat”

Plasticine animation featuring a thin black man with ginger hair who delivered post in the hood while doubling up as the local pimp. The theme tune's lyrics "Postman Phat, Postman Phat, Postman Phat and his black and white pussy" earned it a post watershed slot on BBC2 and thereby denied them the crucial under-fives audience. Other regular characters included brothel owner Madam Goggins and  Magister Timms the head of the hood's satanic chapter. Ran for three episodes before the BBC got cold feet and ordered that the master tapes be eaten by the Blue Peter pets and shat into specially dug holes.

Britellica rating *** ("I need you to sign for this parcel, muthafucka")

Professional martial artists, top B-list celebrities and the Polyester Princes Tarby, Brucie and Ronnie donned armour and hit each other with deadly canes. At first the comics tried to make jokes between blows but they quickly became concussed and started talking gibberish. The highlight was Tarby’s “How many ducks does it take to cross the road? Three – one to get to the other side and the other one to tell my mother in law that she’s so fat she came on the bus because the road was cobbled.” He lost that bout easily to Kendo ace Floella Benjamin who kept hitting him after the match was over because “he pissed me off”.

Britellica rating *** (Ronnie Corbett’s surprise victory in the lightweight division won the British Kendo Association’s Fluke of the Year in 1979)

During the 1950s, the BBC were obliged to present one hour a week of programming for working class people. This generally featured ten minutes of religious programming to remind the working class to be grateful for their lot, ten minutes of the long running “Cloth Cap Chronicles”, an old newsreel (because the poor can’t afford newspapers so wouldn’t know the news was out of date) and a brief elocution lesson.

Britellica rating * (and be grateful that you got any stars at all you grotty little peasants)

This one was doomed from the start despite the almost unheard of ratings. Peter Purves set up cameras in women’s changing rooms. A casualty of Women’s Lib when it was discovered that this was somehow sexist. Peter argued on Points of View that it was art but Daisy Balls of the Women’s Opposition to Male Bastards replied by biting him on the testicles and threatening to do the same to Barry Took. The highlight was undoubtedly the episode with the women’s rugby team where the producer controversially blurred out all body hair for fear of starting a riot.

Britellica rating ** (Mr Purves’ is a television alchemist but even he couldn’t make 1970s women look attractive)

"Rentahost"

Popular 1984 comedy series set in a supposedly fictional agency where television companies could hire hopelessly out-of-work presenters for chatshows, quizzes, and telethons at a knock-down price. The programme was axed when an expose revealed that it was actually a fly-on-the-wall documentary. Click here for the well loved theme song.

Britellica rating *** (it was like Children in Need night only with a real sense of pitiful desperation)

A short-lived attempt by BBC Current Affairs to appeal to the working class. Robin Day – against his better judgement but a contract is a contract – would interview political players wearing only his vest and pants. Every episode would open with the embarrassed host sitting on his dirty settee, eating chips and swearing at the television. Then the camera would pull back and reveal that Willie Whitelaw or Dennis Healy was sitting in the best armchair. It wasn’t compulsory for guests to be in their underwear as well but it was generally horrific when they were. Mr Day, keen to preserve a little dignity, kept his bow tie on throughout.

Britellica rating *** (and you think the Royle Family was an original idea?)

BBC2 series where teams of robot builders battled in a series of challenges to determine who could be the dullest about what bloody well ought to be an interesting subject. Hosted by an always available Craig Charles and the intimidatingly clever Philllipppa Forrresttter, it fell victim to the sixth law of television - shows about dull people are themselves dull.

Britellica rating * (too much chatter and not enough Philllipppaaa)

Ill advised attempt to Anglicise the Rockford Files starring Michael Elphick as Jim Romford, solving all manner of crimes from Romford to Stevenage and back again. The glorious countryside was as much a star of the show as Mr Elphick and there were many lengthy scenes of him driving from town to town in his Ford Sierra.

Britellica rating * (even in 1983 there were too many detective shows on TV)

Nick Hancock gave minor celebrities the chance to slag off the ice creams they wanted banished for all eternity. Highlights included Danny Baker becoming very animated when discussing the raspberry ripple and Gordon Burns describing the Cornetto as “a f**king sh*te abomination of a f**king ice cream, clearly designed by an evil c*nt and bought by f**king stupid tw*ts”. It ran for one series before the BBC ran into problems over advertising regulations and a brand name free pilot version failed to be granted a full series.

Britellica rating ** (I am legally unable to reproduce what Gloria Hunniford said about the Callipo)