In a bid to rejuvenate his stalled career, former children’s television artist Tony Hart joined forces with American teenage temptress Melissa Joan Hart in this short-lived 1994 revival of Esther Rantzen’s teeth-grindingly sentimental lightweight trash-fest. Due to popular demand, Morph was instated as the programme’s resident wit, and Colin Bennett reprised his role as Mr. Bennett, the haphazard caretaker from Take Hart who frequently caused a dismal calamity at the climax of the show. Ms Hart changed her teeth and returned to the US to star in Sabrina the Teenage Witch while Mr Hart didn’t.

Britellica rating *** (have you seen those Melissa Joan Hart “Maxim” pics? Track them down when you’ve finished here – yummy)

Pilot show that eventually became “Have I Got News For You”. Prince Edward was the presenter with Princess Anne and Prince Charles as team captains. Rejected by the BBC for being “both expensive and elitist and crap”, a memo that the Royal’s mocked as “ungrammatical and common”. This war of words became ideal fodder for the second HIGNFY pilot which was presented by Bill Owen and called “’Ave I Got News Fer Thee”.

Britellica rating *** (historical but not hysterical)

The less said about this attempt to turn British tennis player Tim Henman into an action hero the better. Also featured Greg Rusedski as Man At Arms, Sue Barker as Teela and Andre Agassi as Skelator. Lead to an endless stream of action figures but troubled the wallets of parents far more than it did the ratings umpires.

Britellica rating ** (tennis is pointless - haven't you learned that yet??)

The first in the long running holiday series. It featured the presenters of the day staying at home because their journeys weren't absolutely necessary, children being shown how to turn a sandbag into a substitute beach and a report from a popular 1930s theme resort where people pretend not to have heard of Hitler and go about their lives without being killed. Due to the War it wasn't actually broadcast as the television signals had been suspended in 1939. Oddly the BBC still have pristine copies of all one hundred and seventy five episodes.

Britellica rating ** (yes, George Formby was in it)

“Horrornation Street” 

Short lived attempt to produce a gothic spin off from the popular Northern soap opera. It featured several former cast members who had been written out due to the deaths of their characters and the premise was that Ken Barlow was planning to build a zombie army to take over the whole of North West England. Cancelled after three weeks when audience figures fell below those recorded by "Terry and Gaby".

Britellica rating -** (I don't care what they say, Dracula was never in Coronation Street)

Michael Dobbs first found fame with this mini series charting the political intrigues and machinations behind the scenes at the British Obesity Council. Starring Robbie Coltrane and Christopher Biggins it kept the nation gripped to the edge of its seat during 1991. The critics generally liked it but Roy Hattersley - writing in the Daily Express - said it was "hard enough being grotesque and wobbly without a failed political hack taking the piss".

Britellica rating **** (I didn't see the ending with the quarter tonne of jam donuts coming until the last second - they should've made a seconds series)

“I’m a Celibate – Get Me Out of Here”

Dismal reality show in which ten sexual abstainers were stranded on a desert island with a team of sexy temptresses. Elimination came when the contestants did. Bookies refused to take bets on who would win once they heard Cliff Richard was one of the castaways. Ratings were ridiculously high as the show stuck to Lew Grade's ancient philosophy of "The Three T's - Tropical, Thongs and Tits".

Britellica rating * (seismic detectors were installed at a cost of half a million pounds to catch anyone masturbating. Discovery has to rank as the lowest moment of Andy Crane's career)

In 1985 the BBC produced this classic serial about giant MP3 players that take over the world and turn the human race into mindless zombies. Only ran for two of the planned three seasons when a fault was discovered in their batteries and they had to be thrown away.

Britellica rating * (not worth cancelling the long running Doctor Walkman for)

Dire outtakes show presented by the former football star when Denis Norden proved too expensive. Ian, one of television’s most marginal talents, introduced such hilarious clips as Trevor McDonald forgetting his name, Sian Lloyd wearing a really ugly jumper and Judith Charmers beaming until her artificial jaw locked into place and had to be prised open with a screwdriver. It lasted for three years until Denis Norden agreed to return for 97% of his previous fee and Ian Wright was put in a cardboard box and left on the BBC’s doorstep.

Britellica rating ** (gone but not remembered)

Former Charlie’s Angel Jacklyn Smith was hired to play the lead in this short lived private eye series about a woman who worked nights as an exotic dancer. Her career having stalled post-Angels, Ms Smith was persuaded to bare her breasts during “establishing” shots which made up around 40% of every episode despite them haivng only filmed eight minutes of material. Ran for five weeks in 1982. A sixth episode was recorded but for some reason was never shown.

Britellica rating * (strippers are fun, detectives are fun but here the maths didn’t quite add up)

Controversial BBC series in which a number of guest readers read from some of the most gruesome and terrifying books every written. Intended to introduce children to the joys of a good horror story, the series instead led to a spate of mental health issues and at least five lawsuits from children not used to Stephen King and detailed accounts of medieval torture methods. Presenters included heavy metal singers Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson and the facially chilling Will Self.

Britellica rating *** (suddenly Halloween doesn’t seem so great, huh?)

"Jean-Paul of The Bailey"

 Mis-matched adult fashion and legal advice programme hosted by Jean Paul Gaultier. Each week, the show looked at the latest weird and wonderful fashions from the Paris catwalks, with a lewd and often incomprehensible commentary from the excitable Gaultier. The legal advice, which often lasted less than ten seconds per show, featured a naked Bill Bailey sitting in front of a picture of a pair of handcuffs.

Britellica rating -*** (above average for late night Channel Four) 

Short-lived Channel Five magazine programme presented by Jo Guest and John Noakes. Intended as an antidote to the traditional daytime fare of cookery and agony aunts, the show featured items on football, cars and beer, interviews with a liberal sprinkling of bikini-ed Page Three lovelies and some off-colour humour in a section entitled  "Noakes' Jokes For The Blokes". Although the show came to an abrupt end after ten episodes when Noakes removed his trousers and thrust his genitalia into the camera, screaming incoherently about Biddy Baxter giving him "a hummer", the format was retained for the successful "Terry and Gaby" show.

Britellica rating *** ("Get down, Jo")

“Jockonory”

BBC Scotland’s short lived attempt to get children interested in classic Scots literature. Didn't get beyond Gregor Fisher reading The Complete Burns as Felicity Kendall complained to the BBC Governors that it was fundamentally racist. As usual the Board agreed to Miss Kendall's request since they all fancied her.

Britellica rating * (the best laid plans of mice and Scotsmen often fall victim to a pert bottom)

John Inman demonstrates his unique limp wristed guitar playing style in a variety of out door locations. Highlights include “John Inman Licks… Nelsons Column”, “John Inman Licks… Beachy Head” and the budget busting end of season finale “John Inman Licks… Down Under”. Cancelled as a cost cutting measure in 1988 which left Inman bitter at BBC management and the “Are You Being Served?” spinoff “Grace and Favour” was delayed by several years.

Britellica rating ** (the working title “Plucky Ducky” was just plain rude and I’m glad they changed it)

Blue Peter spin-off that featured Leslie Judd presenting the history of pottery. The first edition scored massive ratings but the seven remaining episodes were only watched by Potters and the elderly. The best moment was non-existent and the master tapes were sold to the Ministry of Defence for use only in war time.

Britellica rating * (wake me when it’s over)

Yet another Blue Peter spinoff from 1990 where Caron Keating went around various hospitals and smiled at dying people. The highlight was when a man actually died while receiving one of Caron’s famous smiles and his dying words were “Bless you Gloria”.

Britellica rating *** (the lighter side of death)

Oddball detective series starring Kenneth Kendall as a hapless criminal investigator assisted from beyond the grave by his former wife, Katie Puckrick. The mis-match of Kendall’s slightly embarrassed British reserve and Puckrick’s loud and in your face American exuberance was not popular with UK audiences and was cancelled after five episodes, but the show proved extremely in Eastern Europe, where re-runs are still broadcast every night. Polish television attempted to reunite the cast for a special edition in 2002 but Kenneth Kendall refused to take part, saying that the Poles were “a bunch of fetid arsebrains.”

Britellica rating **** (it got Katie away from The Word and so it earns its immmmmortality)

Prototype daytime show in which two teams of amateur assassins chased alleged comedian Roy Hudd around England in the hope of winning a small prize. Hosted by a freakishly young Carol Smilie the show lasted twelve weeks before the controller of BBC1 decided that the unemployed would rather see fierce tabloid calibre debates than a supposed entertainer using all his National Service training to avoid being murdered.

Britellica rating ** (it wasn't very good but it was ice cream compared with the manure which followed)

"Kurds of a Feather"

“Hilarious” sit com from Marks and Gran which featured two Kurdish sisters moving to Essex and having to cope with their nouvo riche neighbour Saddamian and all her slutty behaviour. Caused controversy when some people considered Saddamian's catchphrase "Loosen your knees you towel headed prudes" in some way offensive. The two sisters' husbands were in prison for opposing the evil regime in Iraq which gave the BBC Sand Department plenty to do when the scripts called for cutaways to them being cod-philosophical in their cell.

Britellica rating -*** (trivia fact of the day - Pauline Quirk lost twenty one stone in order to get her job on this show)

Disgraceful 1993 comedy drama featuring alcohol abuse, debauchery and sexism from the lapsed monk played by Derek Jacobi. Every week, in attempting to solve a mystery, Ladfael and Sheriff Hugh Jarce (Jon Pertwee) would break wind, talk about women’s breasts, and make masturbatory gestures behind each other’s backs.

 Britellica rating ** (insert joke about a monk with dirty habits here)

Popular children's puppet series featuring lovable serial killer Hannibal Lecter and the goings on in his little house. Voices by a then young Jeremy Irons, the series ran for three years before author Thomas Harris sold the exclusive rights to a major film studio (who took liberties with the concept) and the BBC were left in the lurch. Seldom repeated due to current irrational fears about mass murder and its effect on pre-school children it never the less became a surprise hit on DVD.

Britellica rating **** (instant classic)

 Former Labour loser Michael Foot was the subject of this documentary that examined his reputation as the most well endowed member of the House of Commons. Being unable to show actual footage of the honourable “member”, they had to rely on the testimony of many of his colleagues. A particular highlight was Glenda Jackson’s vivid account of seeing it at the 1981 Labour Party Conference. Her description of it as “the landslide of genitalia” made the series an instant classic.

 Britellica rating *** (imagine what they could do these days with CGI)

Popular shite cable channel L!ve TV won a lot of friends amongst the drunken and sex starved when it launched "Topless Darts" onto a blurry eyed world. Seeking to tap into what they saw as their core audience, L!ve's team of crack programme makers came up with "Legless Darts" in which topless models would be given too much to drink before they played their game. Sadly the idea ran into teething troubles when a camera operator was killed by a wayward dart and the idea was scrapped. The producer made good use of the twelve drunken models he had lined up for that day's filming so it wasn't all bad news.

Britellica rating -** (quite intellectual by their standards)

 Unlamented adult Doctor Who spin-off programme featuring Jessica, a sexually frustrated Sea Devil on a voyage of self-discovery and erotic fantasy. Tom Baker completed the picture with a naked cameo which the Daily Express called “visual plutonium”.

Britellica rating ** (the dress made of string was daring for 1977)

“The Likely Dads”

Tabloid style documentary that listed the twenty men most likely to be the father of Ulrika Jonsons’s latest baby. Some people think that a phone poll to determine the winner was rather tacky but it was better than her writing a book about it. Best moment was when first division footballer Clive "Julio" Perkins was asked what it was like having sex with Ms Jonson and described it as being similar to "slipping a hotdog into a bowl of soup".

Britellica rating -*** (get that woman off my screen, bitch)

Long running schools programme for the under-tens presented by blue comedian Mike Reid.

Mixing drama with simple grammatical and spelling lessons, the show was frequently enlivened by Reid’s comments about the educational segments:  “Why don’t you build yourself a word? – Why don’t you fuck off and get a job, you queer lefty darky?” and “Magic E? Why don’t you fuck off and get a job, you queer darky lefty?”

Britellica rating ** (an entire generation learned their prejudices on Uncle Mike’s knee)

Britain’s most loveable racist shares a flat with two nubile birds with hilarious consequences. It ran for three ghastly seasons before finally being axed in what has become known in the corridors of Thames television as “The night of the long spoons”. The basic premise of the series was that Bernard Manning played the owner of a house and rented two of the rooms to a pair of dolly birds (played by Judy Geeson and Moira Foot) who fancied him rotten. They had a spare bedroom that was rented out to a new person each week and each of these new housemates would be the butt of Mr Manning’s jokes. These included such classic episodes as “The One with the Pakistani”, “The One with the Queer”, “The One with the Darkie” and “The One with the Thick Irishman”.

Britellica rating -**** (a TV memory that is darker than the inside of a vampire).
 

“Master Bate”

Loyd Grossman presented just one series of this quest to find Britain’s most skilful onanist via a series of masturbatory contests. The contestants would have to outline a fantasy during an informal chat with Mr Grossman before producing what they hoped would be an excellently received orgasm before the time expired. Loyd was visibly unhappy when one contestant named Grossman himself as the subject of his fantasy but when it transpired that it was an S&M scenario, Loyd stormed off in protest. Red faced, he returned a couple of minutes later because he was holding the only tissue.

Britellica rating ** (big surprise - the winner was a Star Trek fan)

"Men Beheading Badly"

BBC historicom from 1996 which starred Martin Clunes as Robespierre and Neil Morrissey as his best friend Toni. The scripts were full of chopper jokes and references to onions, garlic and cowardice which led to it topping the ratings for its entire run. The Daily Mail called it "The new Allo Allo" and praise does not get warmer than that. The BBC received a large number of complaints after an advertising campaign promising it was the first British sit com to feature real blood. The final straw in its coffin was a poll in the Daily Express where 97% of history teachers said they'd rather show their pupils Carry On Don't Lose Your Head. Faced with this evidence the corporation scrapped the series and gave the second series' budget to Simon Shama instead. He spent it on himself.

Britellica rating **** (Martin Clunes' huge ears meant he was able to safely wear the largest period wig in television history)

“The Mink Skinner Show”

The height of bad taste, this 1995 Channel 4 chat show featured a range of unusual guests being interviewed by a Brummie who was removing the fur from various small animals and selling it to coat companies. He once got enough for an entire jacket when he couldn't shut Richard Whitely up.

Britellica rating -*** (there just isn't a funny way to scalp a mammal unless the mammal is Paul Danniels)