“Dad’s Barmy”

Tasteless documentary featuring a group of men suffering from Alzheimer's and the impact it has upon their children. Perhaps the lowest point in Channel Five's history was when the voice over man commented, during a moving scene where a confused patient was resisting an injection, "They don't like it up 'em sir, they don't like it up 'em". Ran for forty six weeks owing to huge ratings and the theme tune "Who do you think you are dad, Mr Hitler?" reached number two in the Hit Parade.

Britellica rating -*** (I wish I was making this up)

Yet another pathetic BBC detective series. This one matched grizzled policeman Warren Clarke and toothy radio presenter Sybil Ruscoe. It ran for two series but only because Algerian television placed a massive order at the International Detective Series Expo and threatened to blow up Television Centre if they were denied their weekly fix of Northern grit and buck-toothed sensibleness.

Britellica rating * (did you know that Warren Clarke is the love child of Warren Mitchell and Petula Clarke?)

Controversial spin-off series from Duncan Dares that featured mentally handicapped pensioner Joey Deacon attempting a variety of tasks that were completely beyond him, such as running the London marathon, swimming the English Channel, and climbing to the top of Nelson’s Column. The programme prompted such an outburst of protest that it was axed after three episodes and the BBC issued an apology for any offence caused. Joey Deacon later sued the corporation over a loss of earnings, but sadly died before the case came to court.

Britellica rating -**** (it's heart was in the right place... geographically at least)

Having told women how to cook, Delia Smith turned her hand to other items of feminine interest. Her lectures on lathering, razor technique, the pros and cons of waxing and a guide to depilatory creams were delivered with her usual bland and patronising tone. A book was also released which became an instant best seller although most women who bought it said they didn’t believe it was possible to get such good results without camera trickery. Delia is credited with Sainsbury’s running out of moisturiser as women up and down the country attempted to sooth their razor burns when episode three (razor technique) and episode two (lathering) were shown in the wrong order.

Britellica rating * (stick to eggs, love)

 Dreadful comedy detective series starring Daily Mail gossip columnist Nigel Dempster and an assorted selection of minor celebrities who would act as the Fleet Street legend’s unwilling assistant in unravelling an array of baffling mysteries. Each week, Dempster was portrayed as the witty, intellectual sleuth, and the celebrity assistant as the hapless buffoon in awe of Dempster’s ability. A 1987 Children In Need special, Dempster And Make-Believe saw the roles reversed, with a clearly none-too-impressed Dempster playing second fiddle to Fleet Street rival Anne Robinson.

Britellica rating * (doomed before it began, doomed after it began and still doomed to this day)

 American cartoon sequel featuring Flash Gordon, Lothar, Mandrake the Magician, and the Phantom after their remit on defending the planet was cancelled. Every week, the guys would get up at 3pm, watch children’s television, smoke some roll ups, and go and sign on.

Britellica rating ** (better than Bread in the spongers hall of fame)

Hilarious sequel to “Doctor on the Go” where Doctors Waring, Collier and Stuart-Clarke find themselves killed in a spectacular ambulance crash and, when God turns out to be a nurse, they are condemned to eternal torment in the medical wing of the underworld. Featuring the original cast (and Ernest Clarke as Professor Satan Loftus) this series promised never ending laughs and some truly diabolical jokes. The series ran for 13 weeks in 1976 before ITV bosses ordered them to resurrect the characters and return to St Swithin’s Hospital.

Britellica rating * (led the Daily Telegraph to declare "This show needs voodoo magic and it needs it now")

Hilarious sequel to “Doctor In Hell” where Doctors Waring, Collier and Stuart-Clarke find themselves out of work following their return to life when St Swithin’s admin department refuse to employ the legally dead. Desperate for work they end up becoming private physicians to camp millionaire Julian Lim-Wrist and each week they treated him for a hilarious gay medical condition. Described as “a pain in the rear end” by the television critic of the Daily Mail, Doctor in the Pink “limped” on for six weeks in 1977 before being taken outside and shot through the head.

Britellica rating ** (even "hilarious" has its limits)

“Drink Driving School”

Fly on the wall documentary following minor celebrities as they underwent a programme of driver education following an alcohol related ban. The makers were criticised for spiking the drink of former Look Out South West presenter Bob Mingle just before his test and causing him to be jailed for three months. For legal reasons we are unable to name any of the other participants as they were not aware that they were being filmed. This is why every face was blurred out when it came to be broadcast. However, the tabloids made some unusually shrewd guesses as to the identity of "John" who used to talk about how he was about to record a new series of Big Break with John Virgo.

Britellica rating ** (the celebrations in the pub after they passed their tests were the best bits. Shame there were no cabs...)

Ground breaking sit com which featured comedy legend Eric Dykes living with his lesbian sister (played by Hattie Jacques) in a wimmin only suburban cul-de-sac. Eric - forced to wear women's clothes and call himself Erica - spends every episode trying to avoid being exposed by local police woman Winifred "Corka" Turnbull and busybody neighbour Mizz Brown. A running gag was the apparently confused sexuality of their cuckoo clock "Petra" who would come out regularly only to go back in a few seconds later. Ran for a long long time and the only tabloid-tastic Sapphic snogging was between "Erica" and Madge from the bread shop.

Britellica rating *** (many were disappointed that it raised nothing more than laughter)

Another of the many Blue Peter spin-off series of the 1980s, but unlike its predecessors, Ellis Expires was not a one-dimensional, patronising documentary series, nor was it made in the United Kingdom. Instead, it was a BBC Australia dramatisation of the Blue Peter Expedition of 1983 to Australia, where Janet nearly died from asphyxiation after an asthma attack on Ayres Rock. The six episode series, written and directed by Bill Kerr with Edward Barnes acting as executive producer, starred Anne Charleston as Janet, Terry Donovan as Simon Groom, and Judy Nunn as Petra Dewhurst, a re-casting ordered after test audiences in Melbourne found Peter Duncan to be unlikeable and incomprehensible. With lavish production values, adult language, and a gripping storyline leading to the shocking climactic sequences on Ayres Rock, Ellis Expires won several Australian television awards but has only been shown once in Britain, as a clumsily edited three hour special on Channel Five in 1998, in a double bill with The Life Takers, an erotic film starring Peter Duncan.

Britellica rating **** (during the original BP feature, Janet can clearly be heard wheezing a line that would inspire her daughter "Take me home... take me home...")

Peter Egan and Penelope Wilton-led comedy spin off that looked at what would have happened if Ann had divorced Martin in Ever Decreasing Circles, and run away with suave neighbour Paul. Scripted by Eric Saward and Richard Littlejohn, the show featured extensive bedroom sequences and was dismissed by Richard Briers, who refused to appear, as “a bag of horse vomit.”

Britellica rating ** (even UKGold won’t repeat it)

Two people laugh at clips of European men and women with outrageous moustaches. Nudity was a must so the show was a truly ghastly spectacle. Hosted by Gordon Kennedy and Tania Bryer, it ran for five years between 1994 and 1999 before even Europe ran out of absurd moustaches. A popular feature was Gunter the German with a six pronged ‘tash who invited people to toss rings at his face and attempt to win prizes. Because he had a queer accent, his catchphrase of “If your ring’s on my face I’ll give you something nice” rhymed.

Britellica rating *** (foreigners are funny – they just are, ok?)

Ill-conceived 2002 British remake of the classic American crime series, starring Big Brother star Brian Dowling in the role made famous by Tom Bosley. Dispensing with the dramatic nature of the original, this version featured “Father” Brian Dowling going around the UK laughing inanely and solving crime through innuendo and ribald humour. With guest stars Graham Norton, Katy Hill, and Angela Lansbury.

Britellica rating ** (basically subtle but the dirty things were shoved down our throats)

Children's animation in which a plasticine fire fighter sends unwanted flammable packages to strangers in the hope that they would open them and set fire to their homes. He would then turn up with his engine (or "miracle cure for fires" as his business card called it) and extinguish the flames for a large sum of money. Hastily cancelled when the BBC was informed of nine hundred and six copycat arson-cum-extortion incidents in High Wycombe alone.

Britellica rating -** (basically, forgive me but I have to say this, they were just arson about)

“Fight Lunch”

Mel and Sue hosted this lunchtime spin off from the popular film Fight Club in which minor celebrities would be interviewed in a superficial manner while warming up in part one and then proceed to beat the crap out of each other in part two. The final third of the programme gave them a chance to plug their latest book, series, film or play as they were stitched up by a chain smoking lesbian. It ran for one hundred and fifty episodes before being replaced by the rather more genteel "Fete Lunch" in which guests answered questions from stall holders while wandering round in light drizzle.

Britellica rating ***** (the best thing for the violence addicted student to watch while having breakfast)

Weekly football violence magazine programme fronted by Sheffield United fan Sean Bean. Every week, Bean visited the grounds of rival Yorkshire teams and exposed his genitals to them, hoping to incite a riot. With expert analysis from Graham Taylor, Vinnie Jones, and Peter Sutcliffe.

Britellica rating *** (popular in parts of Yorkshire)

 Epic drama series chronicling the rise and fall of one of television’s greatest entertainers from his early days in musical hall, to the peak of his career on the Generation Game and Play Your Cards Right, right through to the cancelling of his ITV contract and the years of alcoholism and homelessness. Starring David Hasselhoff as Bruce Forsyth and Fenella Fielding as his first wife.

Britellica rating ** (wot no Bridget?)

“Gag Shag”

Bob Monkhouse was an obvious choice to host a comedy quiz show but an S&M themed comedy game show was beyond even Sir Bob's powers. Each episode ended with the "Whip Quip" round where the contestants would tell as many jokes as they could in three minutes and receive a lashing for each laugh they earned. The one with the most welts on their backside would be declared the winner. The best moment in the show's history was when Frank Carson had the zip on his gimp mask padlocked shut.

Britellica rating * (just another poor quality Wankety Spank rip off)

Cult Channel Four stand up comedy series hosted by much-loved Seventies children's television icon, Bagpuss. Voiced as ever by his creator, Oliver Postgate, Bagpuss would introduce up and coming new alternative comedy talent, segued with topical satire from the old fat furry catpuss himself. Notorious for the moment where guest star Professor Yaffle referred to Princess Diana as "the Ayrton Senna of our Hearts".

Britellica rating **** ("Yawn, I've just eaten two of those fuckin' mice" said Bagpuss)

“The Gimpsons”

Animated family sit com featuring a fetish loving mum and dad and their three rubber clad children. Criticised by Cliff Richard who called it “worse than a radioactive nappy” but defended by Frank Bough who said it was "informative".

Britellica rating ** (some have claimed it had a disturbing sexual subtext but I never noticed it)

“GMTV”

Not to be confused with "GMTV", this was a short lived breakfast show that was presented by two ears of genetically modified corn. Capable of rudimentary speech, the pair were deemed “too intellectual” and were replaced by Fiona Phillips and Eamon Holmes when the show was cancelled after an unfortunate locust incident.

Britellica rating * (better than RI:SE)

Controversial attempt to make religious programming attractive to younger people. Hosted by Magenta Devine and Simon O’Brien, this series tried to make the Bible relevant for youngsters with such reinterpretations as the Good Samaritan crossing the road to warn the beggar not to share a needle with other homeless people, the miracle of Lazarus rising from his bed after a really heavy drinking session the night before and Adam & Eve being asked to leave the Garden of Eden because they weren’t ethnically diverse enough. Ran for fifty two episodes and covered most of the Bible. During that period church attendance fell by 41%.

Britellica rating ** (the snake used in the Garden of Eden was bought from Dr Who and resprayed)

Yet another attempt by the BBC to make religious programming less stuffy and more fun. Controversially featured a thirty-foot inflatable Jesus climbing up the Post Office Tower. Hosted by Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke Taylor, it ran for twelve episodes before Oddie’s song “Mayhem in Bethlehem” caused the Arch Bishop of Kent to choke on a macaroon. Questions were asked in Parliament about why the Arch Bish was watching BBC1 on a Sunday morning and not at work and the Godies were the main casualty of the resulting round of sackings, expulsions and terror.

Britellica rating ** (which mysteriously became **** when this long haired bloke touched it)

Vaguely disturbing series where a teenage Girl Guide gave sex tips. A damn sight better than its hastily axed predecessor “The Good Sex Brownie”.

Britellica rating -** (it was enjoyed by the kind of special interest group that doesn't get government funding if you know what I mean)