Absurdly long series of fifty seven one-off TV sit com pilots starring Frazer Hines. The intention was to create a number of long running comedy vehicles for the number one rising star of British television but sadly none of them was a success. Despite featuring writing talents from such shows as On The Buses and Mind Your Language, the series did raise a few laughs. The ratings show that episodes featuring Mr Hines as a vicar scored 10% better than those where he was a layman. There is a lesson there. Ran for fifty seven consecutive weeks between 1970 and 1971.

Britellica rating *** (we now know why they called him “Flexible Frazer”)

“Absolutely Gabulous”

Sit com featuring a drunk and drugged up Gaby Roslin as she tried to get through working with Terry Wogan every day instead of once a year at Children in Need. Her best friend was played by Emma "Who?" Kennedy while her dotty mother was a clearly embarrassed Johnny Ball in drag. Terry Wogan - ever the pro - managed to out-Sawalha Julia Sawalha with his performance. If a criticism is to be made about this cult hit it would be that Danny Baker in a miniskirt as Gaby's ditzy secretary was eye-rottingly horrific. But apart from that it was merely poor.

Britellica rating *** (maybe five percent above mediocre)

Short lived series (produced by ITV sport) which featured the former Scotland striker as a neurotic, boyfriend obsessed Boston lawyer. Also featuring Ron Atkinson as Richard Fish, Des Lynam as John Cage and Gabby Logan as Elaine the secretary. Included such computer generated fantasy images as a dancing baby, people being dropped in a skip and ITV having live Premiership football.

Britellica rating **-0 (*-0 at h/t)

Gentle 1995 drama series set within the Amish community, starring Robert Carlyle as a preacher extolling the virtues of the Ordnung to sceptical American people. Every week, in an attempt to spread the virtues of the Amish lifestyle, Carlyle would end up catching criminals by preaching to them and scaring them with his beard.

Britellica rating **** (only Santa could make beard related crime fighting more interesting)

Short-lived detective drama serial from 1997 starring Helen Baxendale as a private investigator with Tourette’s Syndrome. In each of its six episodes, the programme featured Baxendale swearing repeatedly and demonstrating a variety of nervous tics and twitches, while attempting to solve mysteries and sort out her hectic private life. The programme set a record for the most times the word ‘fuck’ was said on British screens in one hour (eight hundred and forty six times). George Best, holder of the previous record after his appearance on Wogan, was heard to call Baxendale “my next wife”.

Britellica rating ** (she denied the existence of this show when auditioning for Friends)

A brave attempt to reinvent Anneka Rice as a hard-nosed bitch. Produced in 1988 by John Stapleton and Lynne Faulds Wood, each episode saw Anneka drink two bottles of Thunderbird, then stagger into a pub and go up to the biggest, hardest man therein, and call him a series of offensive names until a fight broke out. Frequently, Anneka would be beaten to a pulp, at which point Wincey Willis would step in and demonstrate her kung-fu abilities on the man who dared to accept Anneka’s Challenge. Described in the Sun as “gloriously gory”, the show’s run was brought to a premature end after Willis and Rice beat up a gang of over a hundred Leeds United football fans and men all over Britain threatened to sue the BBC for ruining their image.

Britellica rating ** (are you looking at my pint of blood? That’s my transfusion so fuck off)

“Are You Being Severed?”

Channel Five’s documentary reputation took a severe knock when they made this populist retelling of the French Revolution. John Inman's voice over ensured that this bloody tale of the evils of corrupt political systems of whichever creed rarely got beyond jovial. Highlights included fifty one winking mentions of a "huge chopper" and Inman's sly remark that he would prefer "disrobed Pierre" to "Robespierre". Mollie Sugden guest starred as the Bastille. 

Britellica rating -** (worse than the bloodshed it depicted)

One of the all time great comedy dramas, this featured Jon Pertwee leading a team of Geordie builders on a drinking and brick laying marathon around Germany. Pertwee’s accent – flawless despite being unrecognisable – won the 1986 Golden Throat award at the Montreal Vocal Festival. A famous prank saw real beer used during one bar scene and lead to Mr Pertwee punching Jimmy Nail until the latter admitted he was born James Pin but wanted to sound harder. Three series were made and Pertwee even got to number on in the charts with the show’s signature tune  “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Job Centre”.

Britellica rating ***** (iconic and devastatingly original – it virtually invented the comedy drama genre)

“B.J. Hooker”

Imported American series about a prostitute who fought crime. Producer Aaron Agstring said he was trying to "break new ice" with the show but that amounted to lots of underwear shots of the star - Kate Jackson - and running in slow motion while not wearing a bra under what just about counted as a t-shirt. To make her more acceptable to middle class America, she refused penetrative sex with clients. Agstring later saw his fortune crumble when he was caught enjoying unnecessarily vigorous sex with a duck.

Britellica rating * (thank goodness they changed their mind about casting Angela Lansbury)

“Bananorama”

The BBC attempted to update Panorama in the 1980s featuring top pop trio Bananarama interviewing the top political figures of the day. A successful pilot was recorded in which Keren Woodward asked Norman Tebbit the same question fifteen times until he finally answered it and Sarah Dallin managed to provoke Neil Kinnock into saying that "Europe is full of cocks but I'm happy with Glenis for now" but when Robin Day threatened to defect to upstart Channel Four, the BBC reconsidered the change.

Britellica rating *** (it would've been a change for the better for the better)

Popular comic actor Clive Dunn donned old man apparel for this 1980 series for Children's BBC. He played Charlie Quick - a happy go lucky caretaker who got into all sorts of hilarious scrapes. However, all was not rosy for Charlie as his vengeful ex-wife had barred him from seeing his children and so he had to come up with ever more hilarious ruses with which to snatch a few minutes with his offspring. With hilarious consequences. Obviously.

Britellica rating **** (Dunn, who was a mere 17 years old when he joined the cast of Dad's Army, is still only 52)

Extremely violent and bloody Neighbours spin-off series featuring Ian Smith reprising his role of Harold Bishop as a vigilante protecting the innocent people of Melbourne from gangs of criminals. Although acclaimed in Australia for its grittily realistic themes and language (In one notorious sequence, Bishop sliced off a mugger's genitals with a hedge trimmer and laughed, "You haven't...ah... got the..ah...bollocks for this ah...line of work, ah... have you?") The show was never sadly never shown in the UK. BBC executives were not concerned about the gory violence, but feared a moral backlash about the programme's somewhat unfortunate title. 

Britellica rating ** (violence is somehow more acceptable when Australians are on the receiving end)

Publicly funded channel from the early days of digital TV. Showed nothing but footwear programming twenty four hours a day. Turns out it was a mistake which the BBC will deny it every made unless you get it drunk.

Britellica rating * (It was no L!ve TV)

Bruno Brooks hosted this fly on the wall documentary about life in an inner city comprehensive school. Axed after four episodes when it was exposed in the Sun that most of the children were in fact over thirty and were paid to act as badly as possible. They were afraid that the makers of Please Sir would sue them for copyright infringement.

Britellica rating * (stick to the day job, Bruno, if you still have one)

Popular mid-80s children's programme which featured homeless men being forced to run around giant inflatable assault courses in exchange for cups of tea and sandwiches. Initially conceived as an attack on Thatcherism and the socio-economic damage it caused the country, it soon became best known for being a really good laugh. The highlight was probably when Mad Jack McMeths managed to set fire to a huge blow-up castle using just his urine and a match.

Britellica rating *** (the round where they had to identify songs played backwards was really easy for the ones who had been drinking Kestrel Super)

Hugely popular BBC search for the nation’s number one book, starring former blue comedian Mike Reid. The show was such a big success that it ran for several series, and was noted for Reid’s habit of changing the words to literary classics as he read excerpts from them, such as: “Please Sir, can I have some more? – Fuck off you queer lefty darky” and “To be or not to be? - Fuck off you queer darky lefty.”

Britellica rating -*** (did for literature what Paul Gascoigne did for geordies)

Jim Davidson and John Virgo are locked in a room full of poisonous snakes with only some well-rehearsed banter and Stephen Hendry to protect them. Members of the public would try to answer questions but no one really cared as viewers simply wanted to see Davidson bitten on his smug and racist arse.

Britellica rating * (Davidson never did get fatally wounded)

Produced in 1969 as part of the BBC's "They've Legalised Deviancy" season, this eight part series examined the possible homosexual relationship between Bill and Ben. Indeed, so impactful was this series that for years people talked of 'coming out of the flower pot' instead of the modern corruption 'coming out of the closet'.

Britellica rating **** (it was the single biggest turning point since gayism was first brought to our shores by the Vikings)

Victoria Wood co-star Susie Blake demonstrates each of the seven deadly sins using willing volunteers. Highlights naturally included Lust and Gluttony while Sloth was the worst two hours of television ever witness (and was, therefore, hailed as an artistic success). Ms Blake’s versatility won her “Biblical Performance of the Year” at the 1988 BAFTAs.

Britellica rating *** (I want “Lust” to be released on DVD today or, at the latest, tomorrow).

A rare sit com merger which at least gave Richard O’Sullivan the chance to shag yet another pretty co-star. The premise was that Robin Tripp (O’Sullivan) moved in to Sid James’s spare bedroom when Sid’s son accidentally joined the French Foreign Legion. George and Mildred moved in next door and hilarity ensued for two weeks before James and O’Sullivan argued over top billing and the series was cancelled in favour of the even less memorable “On the Trusses” where Reg Varney inherited a truss factory and Steven Lewis became his top salesman with the poor quality catchphrase “I’ll get you a corset”.

Britellica rating *** (Thomset, Wyatt, Geeson – “Tricky” O’Sullivan was a horn machine) 

“Bless This Nouse” 

Teeth grindingly smug programme in which Cockneys explain their self-professed sixth sense which supposedly makes them better than everyone else on Earth. From what I could gather, the magic was enhanced by a sheepskin coat, was focused by tapping the side of the nose and rotted the brain so that the user eventually couldn't tell the difference between a staircase and some fruit.

Britellica rating * (tossers)

'Hilarious' 1970s sit com which disproved the fledgling women's lib movement when its heroines (played by Sally Geeson and Wendy Richard) were absolutely hopeless whenever they tried to do a man's job. Episodes included "The One with the Shelves", "The One with the Motor Car", "The One with the Dripping Tap" and "The One with the Job in Management". Ran for three seasons before the writer was mysteriously strangled by a brassiere while out walking his pig.

Britellica rating * (the miniskirts were groovy)

Dreadful “drama” where regularly redundant radio and tv presenter Tommy Boyd played the role of Tim Boyd – an unemployed radio and TV presenter who became addicted to Guinness while researching a possible series about Ireland. Briefly famous for his drunken catch phrase “Gizz a pint”, Boyd nevertheless returned to obscurity shortly afterwards.

Britellica rating ** (one day he will discover what he’s good at and leave us all in peace)

BBC2 controversially remade the Evelyn Waugh classic as a makeover series. The premise was that a large stately home would be decorated by a team of workmen in period dress over a period of eight weeks while staying true to the dramatic undertones of the original novel. The oft-repeated moment where the teddy bear was covered in wallpaper paste is perhaps the series' equivalent of Delboy falling through the bar.

Britellica rating *** (it was a shame they didn't get the National Trust's permission to redecorate the house. Much costly legal action could've been avoided)

"Bureau Q"

Classic 1968 ITC detective series in which the stock formula of one one glamorous woman , one featureless American and one Brit was augmented with the inspired casting of Peter King as Jason Suave - crime writer and crime fighter extraordinaire. The premise was summed up by an advertising campaign which was on a then-unheard of scale.

Endless Questions..?

Threats to Queen and country?

Or just a case that is too Queer for the police?

Then and only then do they call in Bureau Q.

The series tackled such mysteries as a professional tennis player who lost his shoes during a match, a Russian countess who managed to be in six places at once and the theft of the entire London Underground. Ran for 28 weeks before Peter King had a spin off in a lavatory and became persona non grata for the rest of his career.

Britellica rating ***** (why don't they make shows like this anymore? Hmm? Hmm? Why? Why? Why? Why?) 

Short -lived BBC panel game of the mid-Seventies, hosted by Robert Robinson, and featuring Kenneth Kendall and Jeremy Thorpe MP. Each episode would feature Robinson displaying a tastefully censored picture of a vagina to each contestant in turn, and then ask them to identify which of their fellow panellists’ verbose descriptions matched the owner of said genitalia. The show’s zenith was reached when Emlyn Hughes incorrectly identified Princess Anne as the owner of a front bottom that actually belonged to Petra, the Blue Peter dog.

Britellica rating  /\*/\   (can you guess who it is yet?)

Gay themed plasticine animation of the 1970s. Each episode began with the famous musical closet turning round and round and, slowly, one of the characters would come out of the closet and feature in that week's episode. Some of the best loved characters include Bendy Miller, Farmer Bellend, Mr Dangle (the postman), Mr Socket (the garage owner) and Doctor Fopp the village GP. Not forgetting the soldier boys of Slippin Fort who were being trained in the arts of manliness by their moustachioed captain.

Britellica rating **** (largely responsible for the increased production of homosexuals in the nineteen eighties)

Tasteful documentary about a badly burned war hero. It was one of the highlights of Channel Five's "Military Freaks" season and got a very good rating of one and a half million viewers. Channel Five were less pleased when all but three of them rang the duty office to complain about the interviewer suggesting Captain Rogers' disability could be hidden if he trained as a circus clown.

Britellica rating ** (history doesn't have to be as dull as this sentence)

“Captain Spunkwash”

Australian cartoon which gave rise to the confusion over whether harmless British animation Captain Pugwash was full of dirty jokes. It was in fact Captain Spunkwash which featured such characters as Seaman Swallows, Dicken the Cabin Boy and evil pirate One Eyed Willie. The Captain’s boat was named the “Bukkake” and featured a female figure at the bow that was nicknamed Fay Shull.

Britellica rating ***** (South Park can kiss the Captain's ass)

“Casual Tea”

The antidote to the endless tide of etiquette programmes on BBC television in the 1950s. It featured such groundbreaking moments as using the wrong spoon to eat soup, using the wrong fork to enjoy melon and slapping the waitresses bottom with the left hand instead of the right. Denounced as "dangerous communism" by the Daily Mail, the series lasted eight weeks until the maverick producer realised that finding clever and witty boys in Cambridge and letting them loose on the establishment might be a better way of getting a anthropologically inspired erection.

Britellica rating ***** (sadly the master tapes were burned and, in accordance with BBC policy at the time, the people burning them kept their pinkies extended throughout)

Cruel prank show where men were abducted shortly before their wedding and their brides to be ended up marrying a disguised Jeremy Beadle. Only those episodes that ended with swearing and violence were deemed good enough to broadcast. Series ended abruptly in 1988 when Mr Beadle was arrested for bigamy and shipped over to the Australian penal colony. He was sent back shortly afterwards when the Australians didn’t want him.

Britellica rating ** (there are only so many ways to hide a beard).

When Peter Purves turned down another series of Kick Start, the BBC created this copyright stretching copy cat show. Essentially the same format, it featured Bobby Charlton and a team of young motorbike riders racing around a muddy course somewhere in the home counties. Funniest moments were inevitably when the dapper Mr Charlton got a face full of shit. Ran for 47 painful weeks.

Britellica rating ** (*** if you’re into motorbicycles)

Hidden camera show in which Keith Chegwin humiliated people by pretending to be His Holiness. ITV bravely kept the show going despite a Catholic boycott and we are grateful they did as we were able to see the now legendary moment when Keith visited Nelson Mandela while the latter was under house arrest and recorded his confession using a camera hidden in his crucifix. See also “Cheggars Plays Cop” and “Cheggars Plays Fop” for more disguised Chegwin fun.

Britellica rating **** (also worth watching is the moment where Cheggers gets muddled and introduces himself thus "I'm his Popiness the Hole)

1988 series in which the never-popular Chuckle Brothers starred as mad scientists hired by the mysterious Arab "Mr Hussein" to build a nuclear device. Much hilarity ensued as the Chuckles tried to split the atom but thankfully without success. The Chuckles - ever the true professionals - insisted on doing all their own stunts and using real atoms on set. The technicians union threatened to strike but this was 1988 and Mrs Thatcher personally came round to their houses and threatened to kill their pets. The series ended abruptly when the BBC accused the producers of political bias alleging that "Mr Hussein" was clearly intended to by Libyan leader Col. Gaddafi.

Britellica rating * (the Chuckle Brothers came #19573285 on the Millennium List of Things That Are Funny, nine places behind Su Pollard)

Angela Rippon and Terry Wogan present the BBC’s more refined alternative to ITV’s “Professional Wrestling” with bouts coming from some of the finest ballrooms in Britain. The elegantly dressed pseudo grapplers would perform a series of combative moves before a panel of judges which included a fairly young Glenda Jackson and a cauliflower eared Mick McManus. The highest recorded score was 121 points for a contest that featured three cross buttocks that were described as “poetry in lycra” by Ms Jackson. A late 1980s attempt to revive it with Hulk Hogan and the British Bulldog failed when Mr Hogan insisted he win every round in under 8 minutes and the BBC refused to have anything to do with a rigged contest.

Britellica rating ** (they foolishly banned blood because of the dry cleaning bills)

Martin Shaw and Gordon Jackson teamed up for this 1983 series about two tough Catholic priests who helped clean up the streets of the Home Counties. When Lewis Collins refused to appear, a young Pierce Brosnan was drafted in to be the third member of the holy trinity of crime fighting (Yes, they really did use that term). It caused an outcry from Catholic groups which was ignored as all they were not in a key advertising demographic. A second series was never made as the American co-producers opted to burn their tapes rather than pay for another batch to be made.

Britellica rating ** (the episode with the confession box which turned out to be a KGB cloning booth was the best one).

Psychological police drama series starring Robbie Coltrane as Edward “Shitz” Shitzgerald, a lavatory technician who utilises his experience of toilet etiquette and manner to assist the bungling local police in catching dangerous criminals. Famous episodes include “The Mad Woman In The Ladies”, “The Big Dump”, and “Men Should Wee”.

Britellica rating ** (he knows Emma Thompson. He should've known better)

“Curry On Laughing”

Speccy git Mark Curry hosted this dire series investigating what people find funny. In reality it was just an excuse to film re-enactments of various scenes from Carry On films but with Mark Curry playing all the parts via electronic trickery. It was educational in the sense that I learned (1) I don't want to see Mark Curry in a bikini, (2) I don't want to see Mark Curry without his trousers, (3) I don't want to hear Mark Curry say "I have a good ass, no?", (4) I don't want to see Mark Curry covered in cream and (5) I don't want to see, hear or be aware of Mark Curry. Barbara Windsor commented "It's as if he killed Sid and Kenny himself the gobshitey little wanksock"

Britellica rating -*** (the only ones laughing were the management team of Mark Curry Enterprises who sold the show to one hundred and six countries)