Celebrity Swears! The A-Z of Media Profanity Volume Two

by Professor Benny "Bloody" Lewisfield

Introduction

Once again, it is time to take a look at that seamy side of public life, which involves the use of obscene language. Who would believe that such noted figures as our ex-Prime Minister John Major, the late, great Jon Pertwee, or even radio beauty Zoe Ball, could be accused of swearing? Well, they, and all the rest of those included in this article, are guilty of using swearwords, often in the most public places, or even on television, leading to the maximum amount of embarrassment for them. In this book, you can find details of precisely what they said, where they said it, and more often than not, why they said it. Also, in this volume of Celebrity Swears, we are delighted to announce that Peter Purves, the former children's television presenter and darts commentator, and a well-known user of mild profanity, has agreed to provide his penetrating analysis of what is being said, and his opinion of the quality of the swearing.
Readers are, as ever, warned that this book contains extremely strong language, including some sexually explicit swearwords that they may not wish their children to become acquainted with. So, it might be an idea to leave the room if you find them reading it, to prevent you feeling that you have somehow let them down.


A
"....ALL A BUNCH OF FUCKING SLAVES!"
Jim Morrison's definition of the crowd at a Doors' concert in Miami in 1969, where he famously was later alleged to have exposed himself. Jim also admitted to feelings of loneliness, and asked: "Ain't nobody gonna come up here and love my ass?"

PETER PURVES: "Well this was hardly a pleasant way to talk to his audience, was it? If I'd have done that to the Blue Peter viewers, I'd have been bounced out of the BBC quick-bloody-smart. Now I know Simon Groom was occasionally a bit risqué during the late Seventies, but he'd never have been that bloody offensive, would he? Anyway, this is just a bit of American pap, and doesn't really deserve a bloody good mark at all." (1/10)

B
The BEATLES
Although it was rare for the Beatles to include profanity in their songs, a couple did slip through, such as "bloody" in "I Am The Walrus", and "Christ" in "The Ballad Of John And Yoko". However, many of their songs did initially include swearing that was later removed at the insistence of their straight-laced producer George Martin.
These were "Daytripper", which originally contained the line "She's a prick-teaser", "Rocky Racoon", which at its inception had the words "Now then Doc, let's have none of your cock" and "fuck off" in the lyrics, and "Sexy Sadie", which in its original guise of "Maharishi" had the spectacularly inappropriate lines, "Maharishi - you little twat, who the fuck do you think you are? Oh, you cunt."
Fortunately, these were all edited before their release, and the reputation of the Beatles as a band who did not rely on controversial obscenity was saved in every country around the world. Every country, that is, except Germany, where their name caused many problems as it sounded like 'peedle', the German word for penis.

PETER PURVES: "'Now then Doc, let's have none of your cock'! What a bloody wonderful phrase. I wish I'd been able to do that to William Hartnell! Only joking, Billy. Of course, he almost met the Beatles on Doctor Who, when they did 'Ticket To Ride'. Bloody great. Beatles/Peedles? Ha ha ha ha. Sorry, that's bloody funny, ha ha ha ha, Coh, dear oh dear. Bloody hell!" (7/10)

C
The CAMOMILE LAWN
A dismal Channel Four period drama serial, The Camomile Lawn is noteworthy only for its inappropriate use of profanity in a historical setting. At one point, a character turns to another, and, without any prior warning, asks: "May I fuck you now? Now, at once." There is also a shocking moment later in the episode, where a couple are making love, and one is saying "Fuck fuck. Fuck fuck fuck."

PETER PURVES: "This swearing is absolutely gratuitous, with no bloody point to it at all. And that's what we like, eh? Bloody excellent, simply smashing." (8/10)

D
DISC JOCKEYS
The two Radio One disc jockeys who are said to be rivals for the job as presenter on the pivotal Breakfast Show, Zoe Ball and Chris Moyles, have both disgraced themselves on air in recent times. Ball, the current incumbent of the Breakfast Show, whose best qualities are obscured by the medium of radio, was overcome by the excitement of a live concert being broadcast on "the nation's favourite", and described the event as "fucking great". However, she was mortified by her behaviour, and offered an immediate and sincere apology, and was not disciplined by her superiors. Moyles, who has the perfect physique for radio, was less subtle, accidentally describing somebody on air as a "twat". When he realised what he had said, he laughed, and refused to apologise, although he too has so far received no penalty from Radio One chiefs.

PETER PURVES: "Well, I can't really comment on this, as I never bloody listen to Radio One, anyway. I'm more of a Radio Two person, and I think that Ken Bruce and Jimmy Young are bloody wonderful DJs. These young people sound bloody rude and incompetent. Have they paid their dues on hospital radio, like Derek Jameson had to? I bloody doubt it!" (3/10)

E
EMF
Popular group of the early part of the Nineties, whose blend of indie rock and the energy of dance music earned many followers on both sides of the Atlantic. Their first single, "Unbelievable", was a huge hit single, but the b-side, "EMF", gave a clue to what their acronym title stood for, with the lines: "E....Ecstasy / M.....Motherfucker, motherfucker / F....from us to you".

PETER PURVES: "You'd certainly never hear that on Radio Two, would you? Mother...well, I can't even bloody say such a rude word. I doubt very much if I'd like this group. Were they ever on Blue Peter?
No, well, I don't doubt it. Dreadful, simply bloody awful." (3/10)

F
Michael J. FOX
Star of such classic films as Teen Wolf and the television series, Spin City, Michael J. Fox has made a very good living as an actor, always getting very young parts through his youthful looks, although in actual fact he is now in his forties. This is a technique that he was advised upon by open faced British actor Peter Davison (real name Peter Moffat), who still looks as young now as he did twenty years ago, and still with that air of reckless innocence. Davison is best-known for his portrayal of the Doctor in the time travel drama for children Doctor Who, and indeed, Fox is also frequently recognised for his role as a time traveller - Marty McFly in the three Back To The Future movies.
Among other profanities, such as "Holy shit!" and "Do we become assholes or something?", the original Back To The Future film contains the line which advocates the use of such language: "Yes, George, Goddamnit - swear!"

PETER PURVES: "Well, I bloody loved the fifties nostalgia of the first movie, so I'm going to give this film seven out of ten. What? Bloody hell! I turned into Barry Bloody Norman there, didn't I? Sorry, readers. What the bloody hell must you think of me? I'm terribly bloody sorry, but I've just heard that John Noakes is suing me over a sketch I did for The Lilly Savage Show a couple of years ago, which featured a man entirely bound in double sided tape, purporting to be Noaksie, which was partly conceived by my good self. Listen, you bloody old fool, it was a bloody joke! Can't you take a bloody joke? What the hell is wrong with you? Call me, eh? We'll go out and have a bloody good laugh, like we did in the old days. See you soon, John." (7/10)

G
"GRADE IS A CUNT"
Shocking but not unfunny subliminal message that appeared onscreen for just one frame of the final episode of the controversial satire programme, Brass Eye. The message referred to the then Head of Channel Four, Michael Grade, who had insisted that a sequence featuring a musical about the Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe be excised before transmission. The Brass Eye team denied that it was their work which saw the brief appearance of the message, instead blaming a mischievous technician at Channel Four itself.

PETER PURVES: "Well, what can I bloody say? As a lifelong fan of Doctor Who, I cannot fail to support this phrase one hundred percent. What an utter sod he was, eh? That's why 'The Greatest Show In The Galaxy' was so funny - it was taking the bloody mickey out of Michael Grade!" (10/10)

H
"HAROLD THE HORNY HUNTER HAD AN ENORMOUS HORN"
Amusing song allegedly devised by George, the Prince Regent, in the historical television series, Blackadder The Third. Not particularly obscene, but funny nonetheless.

PETER PURVES: "God almighty! You'd have thought they could have found a better entry for the letter 'h'. When I agreed to do this, I was told it was a bloody professional organisation, not some cheap two-bit operation like Blue Peter was...ooops! Next one, and make it bloody fast!" (0/10)

I
Billy IDOL
Notorious rock buffoon and former member of punk band Generation X, Billy Idol made a fool of himself at the 1992 MTV Video Awards by removing the list of nominations for best video from inside his trousers, and announcing "Been Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction as "Been Caught Wanking".

PETER PURVES: "I don't know who this young upstart thinks he is, but if I'd been there when he did that, I'd have bloody given him a piece of my mind. What's the point in being such a bloody fool?" (1/10)

J
Mick JAGGER
Superstar, actor, and lead singer with the Rolling Stones, Mick Jagger has never been afraid of controversy during his long and distinguished career. However, it is not often that he has embellished his lyrics with swearwords, and indeed as a devoted family man, it is likely he would prefer that nobody studied them, and picked out the rudest lines. Unfortunately, that is exactly what we have done here:

"Where do I go to get my cock sucked? / Where do I go to get my arse fucked?" ("Cocksucker Blues", 1969); "It must be love, and it's a bitch" ("Bitch", 1971); "Got to scrape that shit right off your shoes" ("Sweet Virginia", 1972); "You're a starfucker, starfucker, starfucker, star" ("Star Star", 1973); "When the shit hits the fan" ("When The Whip Comes Down", 1978); "Black girls just wanna get fucked all night" ("Some Girls", 1978); "I always seem to get myself a Saturday night piece of arse" ("Where The Boys Go", 1980); "I wanna fuck your sweet ass" ("Sparks Will Fly", 1994); "Alcoholic cunts like knives" ("I Go Wild", 1994); "I got my toothbrush, mouthwash, all that shit" ("Flip The Switch", 1997); "I wrote that fucking book" ("Too Tight, 1997)

Let us also not forget that Mick also once wrote a song called "Turd On The Run".

PETER PURVES: "Well, I don't think Mick will be getting any bloody satisfaction when he reads this, eh? But of course, you can't always get what you want, can you? Bloody superb lyrics, though. Thanks very much Mick, but remember - it's the singer, not the bloody song, alright?" (9/10)


K
The KLF
Concept pop group also known as the Justified Ancients of Mu Mu, who since their official retirement from the music business several years ago have performed several acts in the name of art, such as burning a million pounds, offering an alternative to the Turner Prize (a higher prize for the worst piece of art of the year, usually awarded to the winner of the Turner prize itself), and the occasional foray back into the music business, such as the 1997 single "Fuck The Millennium" under the name K2. This is not, however, the group's first obscene release, as in 1987 they released the superbly titled album, "1987 - What The Fuck Is Going On?"

PETER PURVES: "Burning a bloody million pounds? These people must be off their heads! Although, I understand why they did what they did about the Turner prize. What a load of old tosh that is? Art isn't about cutting sheep in half, if you ask me. Bloody pretentious art school types. I hate 'em. Never done a solid days work in their life, unlike me." (6/10)

L
LIVE AND KICKING
A great incident occurred during an interview with an Olympic ski champion on one of the earliest episodes of Live And Kicking, the dreadful BBC Children's programme broadcast on Saturday mornings. In the days before the effortlessly smug Jamie Theakston and the Loaded reading man's Sarah Greene, Zoe Ball, the hosts of the programme horrendously camp Andi Peters and the dreadfully talentless Emma Forbes. It was the latter who was hosting the interview, in which questions were posed by the studio audience, and by viewers ringing in on the telephone. After a brief clip of the fortunately anonymous skier in action, wearing a very tight costume, a couple of teenage girls gained a profane immortality, when they asked, via the telephone, and live to a nation of watching children, "We'd like to ask, why have you got such a big donger?"
Whilst the Live And Kicking editor Chris Bellinger, who had endured a similar problem years before on Saturday Superstore , sweated in the Gallery, Emma Forbes compounded the calamity by breezily asking, "Sorry, what's a donger?"

PETER PURVES: "Bloody terrible, isn't it? That poor lad from Blue Peter gets sacked for one mistake, and this crazy bloody fool Forbes is not reprimanded at all. I ask you, would you rather have your children watching a show hosted by somebody who doesn't know any nicknames for the male genitalia, or a wholesome, family lad, who just happened to have been on a huge cocaine and vodka binge before the most important television experience of his life? Bloody obvious choice, isn't it? Seriously, write to the bloody BBC to get Richard Bacon reinstated, and let the bloody corporation sort out the terrible pig's ear they've made of this. Bacon? Pig's ear? Get it? Christ, I suppose I shouldn't use John Noakes old jokes, should I? They're bloody awful." (6/10)

M
Sylvester McCOY
Despite his infamous party trick of inserting live ferrets into his trousers, actor, and comedian Sylvester McCoy (real name James Kent-Smith) has never been associated with using bad language. However, there is one noted occasion when the actor lost his cool, and with good reason.
It was during the studio recording of the Doctor Who adventure "Battlefield", when Sophie Aldred, as Ace, was encased in a tank of water, as her character was meant to be drowning. The cameras were rolling when there was a sudden noise, and the glass of the tank cracked. None of the Doctor Who production team seemed to notice, or indeed understand the consequences of water leaking over the electrical cables that snaked across the studio floor. Fortunately for Sophie Aldred, Sylvester McCoy was a little quicker on the up take, due to his many years of theatre training. With a shout of, "Shit! Get her out of there!", he roused the technicians out of their wool gathering malaise, and Aldred was quickly lifted to safety, and the power was switched off, allowing the studio to be safely drained of the water.

PETER PURVES: "Well, talk about making a bloody drama out of a crisis! This was bloody excellent use of a swearword, and just at the right time too! The only thing I can query about this is to do with the use of the word itself. Is old Sylv just using a bloody expletive, or is he actually referring to a technician as a 'shit'? Perhaps we will never know." (7/10)

N
NEWCASTLE-UPON-TYNE POLYTECHNIC
When the term 'polytechnic' was made redundant in the early 1990s, this institute of education had to come up with a new name, and to avoid confusion with the actual University of Newcastle, they decided on the name, the Central University of Newcastle-upon-Tyne, until they realised this had an unfortunate acronym.

PETER PURVES: "Surely this isn't true. Sounds like a lot of...what? It is? Bloody Nora! Typical of the bureaucrats in the education system. Bring back the bloody birch, I say. These Labour luvvies have made us all a bit soft, and in my day it was.....what? Oh, yes. Sorry, I got a bit distracted. I was just thinking that this is the part of the world where Michael Sundin, that short-lived pooft...er, that er...slightly effem...no, er, where ex-Blue Peter presenter Michael Sundin, who was only on the programme a short time because he was a....oh, Christ! Anyway, this is where he came from, and to be honest, who could understand a bloody word he said, eh? Nobody. This explains it. Whatever I'm talking about that is. Look, can we take a break from this? I'm feeling a bit light-headed. I think its all the memories from Blue Peter that this has brought back. I just need a break to go to the bathroom, freshen up, and have a glass of water. Is that too bloody much to ask? Alright, then. Back in a minute." (5/10)

O
"OH SHOOT!"
Popular phrase dubbed over the phrase "Oh shit" on films being shown prior to the nine o'clock watershed on British terrestrial television. Other dismal examples of this kind of censorship include "Son of a gun" ("Son of a bitch"), "Judas H. Priest" ("Jesus H. Christ"), "Sick my duck" ("Suck my dick") and "Michael Parkinson" ("Motherfucker").

PETER PURVES: "I can't stand censorship, I must admit. It's a bloody disgrace. You will be editing all my comments though, won't you? Bloody good show." (0/10)

P
Jon PERTWEE
The late Jon Pertwee, often referred to as Jan Putrid, or Madam Pertweeova, was not often involved in anything to do with swearing, despite his long career as a raconteur and after dinner speaker. The majority of his banter was his memories of his time starring in the science fiction series, Doctor Who, with references to eye patches, Daleks being unable to manoeuvre down a flight of stairs, and his catchphrase, "reverse the polarity of the neutron flow." He also regularly recalled his initial problems with the role of the Doctor, and the occasion he asked Shaun Sutton, head of BBC Serials, how to play it. "Play it as Jon Pertwee", said Sutton. "Who's he?", responded Jon, referring to his previous roles hidden behind make-up, disguises, and funny voices. Strangely, this rather dull story was one of his most popular anecdotes. However, his most popular story of all time was often changed to prevent corrupting the legion of young Doctor Who fans. It involved working on the story "The Curse Of Peladon", with director Lennie Mayne, who had a somewhat blue turn of phrase. When it came to the moment the cast first encountered Aggedor, the admittedly unimpressive monster of Peladon, their response was somewhat bland. Lennie then exploded at them, saying that if they really encountered a beast, they would say "Holy flaming cow!" When it came to the next time they performed the scene, when Aggedor appeared, the whole cast spoke in unison: "Holy flaming cow!"
For many years, this was how Jon and Doctor Who producer Barry Letts described the incident, but it has since become clear that the phrase that they used was not "Holy flaming cow!" It was, in fact, "Fuck me! Would you fucking look at that!"

PETER PURVES: "Bloody marvellous, eh? That's what Doctor Who's always been about for me. Of course, let's not forget dear old Billy Hartnell, my old mate. He swore twice in the show, you know. In 'The Romans', he told a guard to sod off, and in 'The Dalek Invasion Of Earth', he said to Ian Chesterton, 'I'll deal with them, damn you'. What a bloody great actor he was. But Jon Pertwee runs him close. What a bloody phenomenal talent he had, eh? I remember meeting him on the Blue Peter set, and he was a bloody joy to work with. Great!" (8/10)

Q
QUEEN
That's the world famous pomp rock group, and not our beloved sovereign Queen Elizabeth II.
Sadly, there are very little obscenities in the Queen catalogue, although lines such as "Kiss my ass, honey" and "What the hell are we fighting for?" have crept in over the years.

PETER PURVES: "Sorry, but I cannot comment on that bloody poof Freddie Mercury. It is almost as bad as being made to hold the bloody baby on Blue Peter. Real men simply cannot do it. It's a bloody cheek of you to ask me. What? I won't get paid if I don't give a score out of ten for all of them? Bloody buggers. Oh well, here we go. There's very little worth in these Americanised swearwords here. In fact, they're bloody awful. " (2/10)

R
"RAPACIOUS BASTARDS!"
Appallingly pompous phrase used to describe the tabloid press, who are hounding Chief Inspector Endeavour Morse during one of the least popular episodes of all time, "Happy Families". Other disastrous uses of profanity during this episode include the terrible comment to Morse by Superintendent Holdsby ("You were bloody superior. There are more than just Guardian readers out there"), the musically accompanied two fingered salute given to photographer by reporter Billy, and Morse's unconvincing verbal assaults on them, including phrases such as "Get the hell away from here!" and "Damn you.....DAMN YOU!"

PETER PURVES: "A bit too bloody pompous, if you ask me. This is the kind of language Christopher Trace used when he was discovered in bed with that bit of tottie whilst supposed to be bloody filming for Blue Peter, and hardly the good, honest, down-to-bloody-Earth cussing to which we are used to in Inspector Morse." (5/10)

S
Keith STUBBS
The new Performing Arts Co-ordinator for Loughborough Schools, Keith Stubbs has had a long association with swearing, both being the perpetrator of it, and on the receiving end of it, particularly during his long years of service as music teacher and Head of Expressive Arts at Burleigh Community College, Loughborough. Noteworthy outbursts include his attack on a percussively talentless youth hitting a drum kit with some glockenspiel beaters, when he raged: "What the hell are you doing with those beaters, for Christ's sake? Do you know how much they cost? Bloody little snouts."
As well as his sadly non-offensive comments, such as "It was this big", "When I look out of the window, I see a swan", "Beethoven was deaf? He was, you know. Haw-haw-haw!", I'll make you slip!", and "Rory! Watch me...one, two, three, four", Keith has often been the target of rude language, most notably on a Jazz band concert tour, when he attempted to rouse drummer Stuart Carss from his slumbers, only to be rewarded with being told to "fuck off" by the half-asleep percussionist.

PETER PURVES: "Well, this is hardly the bloody kind of thing we expect from teachers, is it? Using bad language to bloody teenagers? What sort of example is that? This Stubbs fellow sounds like a bloody moron, and it is just as well he isn't a bloody teacher anymore. As for this Stuart Carss chap, what sort of response is that to a teacher? My God, if I'd had the nerve to cheek a teacher during my schooldays, I'd have been given a bloody thrashing, six of the best, trousers down! I don't know what the youth of today are coming to." (1/10)

T
"TOO MANY PEOPLE"
The opening song on Paul McCartney's 1971 album, Ram, which contains the controversial first line, "Oooooh, piss off, yeah!"

PETER PURVES: "I don't bloody believe it. Even if you played me the bloody song, I wouldn't believe it. Macca is one of our idols, and I can't believe he'd corrupt us like this. What a load of bloody twaddle." (0/10)

U
"UNDERWEAR"
One of the many Pulp songs to contain mild profanity, in this case "Oh Jesus". Another good example of this is "Do You Remember The First Time?" ("I don't care if you screw him"), but the Sheffield based group went too far with the line "We got the tickets from some fucked up bloke in Camden Town"), which appeared in "Sorted For E's and Wizz". Sadly, this was changed in the single release of the song to "messed up bloke". Another tragic case of profanity gone to waste.

PETER PURVES: "Pulp? No never heard of them. I don't know any bloody pop groups, to be honest. Oh hang on, were they the ones that did that one about the common people? They were? What was that called? Oh, 'Common People'. I remember dancing to that at a Blue Peter reunion party at Anthea Turner's house. Bloody good fun, I tell you. Me and Noakes got absolute arseholed on rum, and started trying to crack on to those lovely young girls Katy Hill and Romana whatever-her-name-was. We didn't get very bloody far, because Noakes kept going on about his show, 'Go With Noakes', and the girls were frankly too bloody young to understand that he was trying to entice 'em into bed. Typical of the man, but you can't help but love him, can you?" (4/10)

V
VIDEO CLASSIFICATION
For many years, a specially recorded message would appear before all films or television programmes released on video cassette. The message was provided by Simon Bates on behalf of the British Board of Video Classification (BBVC), and warned the viewer of the content of the film.
For example, this is the message that Simon would preface a PG film with:
This programme has been classified PG, which means Parental Guidance. If its an action film, there may be some violence. If its a love story, there may be some sexy scenes, or some brief nudity. It may also contain some of the milder swearwords."
It may be thought that Simon Bates was chosen to deliver such important information as he was considered to be above the use of profanity. However, in an interview with Q magazine he actually used one of the milder swearwords himself. In an attempt to prevent him being photographed, he told the journalist: "Look, I'm not feeling very good today, so when the smudger turns up, tell him to piss off, will you?"

PETER PURVES: "Good old Batesy. I'm sure that he won't mind me telling you that I am one of his renowned 'mates', and we have a bloody good laugh when we get together, I can tell you." (8/10)

W
"WANGERS, WANKERS, SORRY...."
One of the many amusing phrases involving swearing used by Jane "Thank You" Harris, former English teacher of Burleigh Community College. Among her other classics, often prefaced by the phrase "shut the door - I'm swearing", were such comments as "little bastards" and "I said fishing, not fucking".

PETER PURVES: "Long live Mrs. Harris. What a bloody marvellous teacher she was, although I would never advise any of the Blue Peter viewers to attempt to drive and clap their hands to Queen records. Bloody hazardous thing to do, and of course we must keep our pets nice and warm in the winter months. You're supposed to be drinking it, L...what? Oh bloody hell! Sorry, I thought for one moment I was back with Noaksie and Val. Ah, happy days....." (10/10)

X
XAVIER
Is it right to laugh at Michael Portillo's embarrassing full name? The people of Enfield certainly thought so at the 1997 General Election, for there was a ripple of laughter at the reading out of the name "Portillo, Michael Denzil Xavier". There was even more laughter, and cheering, when it turned out that he had been defeated by the Labour candidate Steven Twigg. However, there was even more amusement at David Dimbleby's remark following the announcement of Portillo's demise. Live to the nation on BBC1 he said, in an extremely grave and pompous voice:
"Labour celebrates, as the Thatcher favourite, one of the bastards in the Cabinet, as John Major called him, is defeated."

PETER PURVES: "It was a bloody disaster this, you know. The election I mean, not Portillo going. He was a bastard, as dear John said. Now the reason I joined Blue Peter was because I am a Tory through and... What? No, I will not stop bringing my own personal politics into this. I am a man of principal, and believe that my support for the Conservative party cannot be swayed by anything at all, and that you...Eh? How much? A thousand more? Alright, then. No more politics. You won't put that bit in, will you?" (7/10)

Y
Tim YEO
The former Conservative Chief Whip, Tim Yeo was involved in one of the many sexual scandals that dogged the reign of John Major, the least popular Prime Minister since records began. Ruining Major's "Back To Basics" grand design, which called for a return to family values, Yeo fathered a love child, prompting the enraged Prime Minister to allegedly call him "a cunt". Major had also promised to "fucking crucify" several other members of the government if they did not back his plans for European union, revealing a harsher side to this most boring and bland of British statesmen.

PETER PURVES: "Christ! More bloody politics. Remember, you mentioned it, not me. Who'd have thought old Johnny Major had it in him, eh? Bloody harsh words, but important ones. As we've just heard, he also described those bloody Euro-rebels as "bastards", and that was on telly! I am proud to admit I'm a bloody big fan of John. Good on you, old fellow, and keep those profanities coming!" (9/10)

Z
ZIPPERGATE
Zippergate is the name given by tabloid newspapers around the world to the scandal of American president William Jefferson Clinton having an "inappropriate relationship" with former White House intern, Monica Lewinsky. Although initially emphatically denying the affair ("I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"), Clinton later admitted during a videotaped testimony to the Grand Jury led by prosecutor Kenneth Starr that he had indulged in "inappropriate sexual banter" during telephone, and also implied that he had received oral sex from Lewinsky. However, his many years as a lawyers managed to serve him well, as he proved that his definition of sexual relations, as he had agreed with prosecutors in an earlier sexual scandal involving himself and one Paula Jones, did not include getting blow jobs from Ms. Lewinsky, and smoking a cigar that had just been removed from between her vaginal lips. At the time of writing, the Grand Jury, who have the power to impeach the president, have not reached a verdict, although it is interesting to ponder what other definition Clinton may have for the word "impeachment", considering his fondness for Ms. Lewinsky's rear end.

PETER PURVES: "Bloody Yanks! Can't keep their bloody pants on for more than two seconds, can they? Now there isn't actually any bloody swearing in this entry, but even if there was, I would consider it bloody offensive. What would happen if Clinton is indulging in this bloody banter when the world explodes into a nuclear war with Saddam Bloody Hussein? Somebody needs to give this bloody man a drop of bromide in his tea. That'll slow him down!" (0/10)