By Jerrard Habris

"I'm giving you my opinion Morse, as I always do. What the hell's the matter with you, man?"

In response to great public demand, SpaceWhale Publishing are proud to present the third volume in the hugely popular series of guides to being cool, hip and one step ahead of the rest. If you don't know what "Molybd...molb...minerals" means, read on - your life just might depend on it......

A is for...."ALL AROUND THE WORLD"

The twelfth single by the hugely popular Burnage outfit, Oasis, taken from their Be Here Now album. Noel Gallagher claims to have written the song many years before he joined the band, which he feels justifies the juvenile rhymes in the lyrics and the Beatles pastiche of the musical arrangement.

This is scant compensation to the legions of Oasis fans, as these complaints have been levelled at almost all of the group's oeuvre, and in any case "All Around The World" is a cover version of Lisa Stansfield's 1989 electro mantra of the same name.

B is for....BROOM CUPBOARD, THE

Name given to a small control room in BBC Television Centre, Wood Lane, London, in which a television presenter would sit and be seen introducing programmes on BBC1 for young people. This revolutionary concept was brought about in the latter part of the 1980s to replace the antiquated idea of just having bland voice-overs in between the shows. The first incumbent of this role was an unknown disc jockey who had recently returned from Canada, Philip Schofield (see Schofield, Philip). Along with his small furry companion Gordon The Gopher, he made The Broom Cupboard a staggering success, with an undoubted peak being the successful campaign to get "Downtown" by Petula Clark re-released as a single. When Schofield took a holiday, his original replacement was Debbie Flint, who later worked with one John Nathan-Turner on BSB's Doctor Who weekend in 1993. Rumours abounded that Flint and Schofield were embroiled in a passionate affair, which were strenuously denied by the couple. Eventually, the BBC decided that Schofield was now ready for more challenging work, and he was moved to Going Live, a new Saturday morning magazine programme for children. He was replaced by Andy Crane, a former Manchester television researcher who had a penchant for the over-use of hair gel. The Broom Cupboard reached even greater heights under Crane's masterful guidance, with his smooth charm a world away from Schofield's boyish exuberance. With sidekicks Edd The Duck and Wilson The Butler, Crane seemed destined for even greater glories than his predecessor, despite rivalry from the recently launched Children's ITV . However, it was not to be. After a tabloid expose on his passionate affair with Blue Peter's teenage presenter Yvette Fielding, and the unintentional appearance of Wilson The Butler's face , BBC executives became concerned for their reputation, and Crane was unceremoniously sacked and replaced by Andi Peters, a camp and unbecoming newcomer to television, who had spent years writing letters to the BBC, begging for work. Each one was rejected, and once Peters began to appear in The Broom Cupboard, it was obvious why: His repulsive laughter and lack of charm proved nauseating to the viewing audience, and when it became clear there was no chemistry between him and Edd The Duck, they began to switch off in droves.

In 1993, Peters was moved to Live And Kicking, and was replaced by Toby Anstis. It proved to be the final nail in the coffin for The Broom Cupboard. Anstis was effeminate, smarmy and totally unappealing. Elder viewers found him patronising in the extreme, and younger children were terrified by his strange voice. Unfortunately, BBC executives couldn't see that the host was the problem, and took a decision to close The Broom Cupboard and move Children's BBC into a studio of its own. It was the end of an era.

C is for....COLLINS, PHIL

A former Cockney barrow-boy turned multi-millionaire rock star, Sir Philip Collins OBE is the balding multi-instrumentalist best-known for his dismal love ballads ("Against All Odds", "I Wish It Would Rain Down", "In The Air Tonight" ), his bland MOR rock pieces (such as "Something Happened On The Way To Heaven") and his earnest socio-political efforts (the most popular being "Another Day In Paradise"). In recent years, "P.C." has become more famous for divorcing his many wives by fax, moving to Switzerland to escape the Labour government (see New Labour) and making a number of unfortunate faux pas in public. These include his mis-hearing of Craig McLachlan's "Amanda" single ("I thought he was singing, 'I'm in love with a girl I met, yeah-yeah" ) and his speech at the American Black Music Awards Ceremony, when he announced: "It's suddenly got very dark in here", just as Public Enemy took to the stage. He later claimed that he was referring to a lighting failure, although few believed him.

D is for....'DAYLEKS'

Mispronunciation of the name of Doctor Who's greatest enemies by his companion Ace during Remembrance Of The Daleks. Unfortunately, Sylvester McCoy had difficulty saying the word 'Dalek' and consequently the Doctor's remonstration of Ace seemed a little harsh when he called them 'Daaleks'. However, other incarnations of the much travelled Time Lord have also had trouble when it came to combining the use of words and the Daleks. Towards the end of his tenure, William Hartnell referred to them as 'Tarleks' during The War Machines, while in Destiny Of The Daleks Tom Baker demanded that they "spack off".

E is for....EQUITY CARD

Equity is the Union of actors and actresses, and all those who appear in dramatic roles on screen on stage in the United Kingdom must be a member. To obtain an Equity card, one must either have performed in a certain number of amateur or revue performances, or attended and passed drama school. As an enticement, a guaranteed appearance in an episode of long-running police series The Bill is given away free with every Equity card.

F is for....FUN

An activity that is solely the premise of ex-Radio One disc jockeys, such as Tony Blackburn, Jimmy Young, Dave "The Hairy Cornflake" Lee Travis and Simon Bates, as revealed in a documentary celebrating thirty years of "The Nation's Favourite" (i.e. Radio One).

Other shocking incidents described in the BBC film included Peter Powell's habit of visiting brothels, Mike Read's disgust at the Frankie Goes To Hollywood single "Relax" ("The video featured simulated buggery, and I was the face of children's television") and DLT's shock resignation on air, with the Hairy Cornflake believing that his many listeners would be shocked and heartbroken at his departure, little realising that he had in fact been sacked several weeks earlier, and that none of them actually gave a toss anyway.

G is for....GRIM REAPER, THE

A piece of drama conceived by Matt Ball for his mock A-Level Theatre Studies practical examination in 1993. The Grim Reaper initially seemed to blame the Devil himself for poverty, crime and disease without acknowledging the role of the human race in its own downfall, but it soon became clear that it was a dark satire on the nature of humanity and man's inhumanity to man. Ball himself starred in the title role, with his character thanking politicians and terrorists for giving so many lives to the Reaper, while Erica Routledge played Liberty, a fictional distillation of the better side of human nature. Despite receiving some critical acclaim, there were some weak points of the piece, namely the boringly repetitive use of the refrain from Prokofiev's Romeo And Juliet, and the inexplicable presence of Jim Keane sitting in a balcony wearing a ludicrous mask, listening to a tape recording of his own voice.

H is for...."HEY! I CAN'T FIND NUTHIN' ON THE RADIO. AH....YO! TURN TO DAT STATION!"

Ludicrous introduction to "Radio Song" on REM's Out Of Time album, performed by KRS-1 of Boogie Down Productions. During the song he also says "Let me do dat wit' ya" and "Say what, say what, say what, say what".

I is for...."IS IT OR ISN'T IT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?"

Angry and dismissive question asked of an experienced pathologist by Chief Inspector Endeavour Morse in the dreadful Happy Families, which co-starred comedy actor Martin Clunes. The pathologist was more than a little put out by Morse's lack of manners and unpleasantness (brought on my harassment from a tabloid newspaper), and replied: "I'm giving you my opinion Morse, as I always do. What the hell's the matter with you, man?"

J is for...."JIM....YOUR NAME IS JIM!"

Line spoken by Leonard Nimoy at the climax of the dismal third cinematic episode in the Star Trek saga, to which William Shatner responded, "Yes, Spock! My name is.....Jim!!" Oddly enough, the series lasted another four films before Shatner, Nimoy and co. were pensioned off in favour of the younger, more talented crew from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

K is for....KING MONKEY

A nickname for Ian Brown, lead singer with the Stone Roses, a hugely influential Manchester four piece group of the late 1980s and early 1990s. The definitive Roses line-up was Ian Brown (vocals), John Squire (guitar) Gary "Mani" Mounfield (bass), and Alan "Reni" Wren (drums). This line-up played on the two Roses albums, The Stone Roses and Second Coming. The first album was released in 1989 and was acclaimed as one of the finest of the decade. However, the second took five years to record, and was greeted with caution upon its eventual release in 1994. There were rumours of heavy drug abuse during the protracted sessions, while Brown allegedly refused to answer to any name other than "King Monkey".

The band gradually splintered until unresolvable personal differences between Brown and Squire led to their ultimate demise in 1996. Almost immediately, John Squire formed a "boogie-woogie blues band" (Copyright NME) called The Seahorses with a former busker, Chris Helme. Despite mixed reviews of their guitar-heavy sound and an endless stream of drummers coming and going, the group have prospered. Ian Brown waited until 1998 before returning to what he called "the dirtiest business in the world" with the album Unfinished Monkey Business. He claimed to be on a one-man mission to destroy cocaine.

L is for....LEWISOHN, MARK

Supposedly the world's leading authority on the Beatles, although quite how he attained this title is unclear. As well as contributing a regular column to Radio Times, Lewisohn is the author of many books about the Fab Four, including The Beatles Live! and The Complete Beatles Chronicle, which have been heralded as definitive. However, Lewisohn's inability to criticise and his over-use of adjectives such as "lovely", "delightful", "charming" and the phrase "la-la-ing" have led many to describe him as the world's leading authority on sentimental crap.

M is for...."MOLYBD.....MOLB....MINERALS..."

One of William Hartnell's many fluffs during his three year tenure in the title role in Doctor Who. Now, for the first time, The A-Z of Popular Culture is proud to present a chronology of cock-ups from the first era of Doctor Who, 1963 to 1966, all delivered by William Hartnell in his inimitable style:

"We mustn't diddle about here" (The Daleks), "You'd be blown to atoms by a split second!" (The Edge Of Destruction), "Yes I don't think I don't see why not, there's nothing no danger about", "I can't improve at this very moment. I can't prove...." (The Keys Of Marinus), "Susan my dear child, how glad....I'll tell you how glad I am to see you later" (The Aztecs), "Molybd...mold....minerals", "Isn't it better to travel hopefully than....arrive?" (The Sensorites), "I see you haven't heard the naa the news yet, my man" (The Reign Of Terror), "You take this bridge now....isn't easy task, is it?", "A dead human body in the river? I should say that's near murder. Isn't it?", "Conquer the Earth? You poor pathetic creatures....don't you realise, before you conquer the Earth you must destroy all living...matter" (The Dalek Invasion Of Earth), "That your excellency, would be an impossibissity!" (The Romans), "We are many light Earths....light years from Earth" (The Web Planet) "You'll end up as two cinders floating around in Spain" (The Chase), "As it happens I happen to be a very curious fellow" (The Time Meddler), "Magic....Mavic Chen" (The Daleks' Master Plan), "The same to you, and many of them!" [in reply to "Goodbye and good luck"] (The Gunfighters), "There's something alien about that tower - I can scent it", "I wonder Sir Charles, do you suppose.....no, I don't suppose you would" (The War Machines), "You see that scanner? That's what I call a scanner, up there", "Thank you, no" [in reply to an invitation to "talk like gentlemen"] (The Smugglers).

This is not an exhaustive list by any means, and we have not included the many instances of William Hartnell interrupting his fellow actors, his attempts at pronouncing words such as "fluorescent" and "gorilla", or his innumerable uses of the word "Mmm?" Also, we must point out that although there are quite a substantial amount of gaffes, it is worth remembering that in the Sixties, Doctor Who was broadcast for almost forty eight weeks of the year, rather than fourteen as it was in the late Eighties.

N is for....NEW LABOUR

Concept devised by Tony Blair whilst Leader Of The Opposition to distance his vision of the Labour Party from its socialist roots. Few people actually realised how different New Labour was, and when Mr. Blair became Prime Minister in May 1997, it soon became clear that it was actually just Old Tory by a different name, something which led millions of people to start to refer to Mr. Blair by different and quite possibly impolite names.

O is for...."ONLY GOD WILL JUDGE ME"

Single release by Mark Morrison, the Leicester-born rapper and self-styled "baddest boy in Pop". Unfortunately, it was a dismal flop in the charts, and was also not the exact truth, as Morrison was recently judged, not by God but by a High Court judge, and was sent to prison for a year.

P is for...."PUT 'EM AWAY, LOVE"

Well-worn phrase used by Inspector Jack Regan upon encountering a naked woman in bed with a criminal he wishes to apprehend. Regan, of course, was the main character in the hard-hitting police drama of the Seventies, The Sweeney. Played by John Thaw, Regan was a hard-drinking, morose loner who could only confide in his immediate junior (DS George Carter, played by Dennis Waterman), was extremely unlucky in love, solved cases more by luck than judgement, and was frequently hauled over the coals by his superiors for his unorthodox approach. So why does John Thaw always claim that Regan bares no similarity to Chief Inspector Endeavour Morse?

Q is for....QUEEN'S SPEECH, THE ALTERNATIVE

Channel Four's Christmas Day alternative to the more traditional approach on BBC1 and ITV. Despite the good intentions of Channel Four, The Alternative Queen's Speech is always a dismal failure, mainly due to it's talentless host, Quentin Crisp.

R is for....RECALL UNIT OR THE GREAT T-BAG MYSTERY

Atrocious satirical play devised for the 1984 Edinburgh Fringe Festival by Richard Franklin, who starred in Doctor Who as Captain Mike Yates during the Seventies. The play starred Franklin and John Levene (Sergeant Benton in Doctor Who) playing themselves as two out-of-work actors, something that both had a lot of experience of. They also played their former Doctor Who characters battling against the political regime of the time, and it ended with Margaret Thatcher being destroyed by the Master's tissue compression eliminator and hidden inside a tea bag. Nicholas Courtney refused to reprise his role as the Brigadier, although he did contribute a brief spoken introduction, and reviews of the play were uniformly awful. Richard Franklin has not worked in the theatre since, although he did become a life-member of Franklin's Bow-Wows. (see also Ultimate Adventure, The)

S is for....SCHOFIELD, PHILIP

Prematurely grey-haired television presenter, who shot to fame in the latter part of the 1980s in The Broom Cupboard (see Broom Cupboard, The). Due to his lack of experience in the visual arts, Schofield had terrible trouble learning his lines for pieces to camera, leading to such phrases as: "I'm actually here to tell you all about a series called....All About Me. Now if you remember, it was one of the highlights of the last series of Going Live! and it featured, ooh what...God, all sorts of things. [BLEEP].", and "He could hear the faint smell....."

T is for...."TURN ON THE SEXUAL AIR SUPPLY"

Bizarre request made on camera by Patrick Troughton during an episode of Doctor Who. Presumably it was the continuing presence of the sexual air supply that led to all of the Doctor's subsequent female companions until Sarah Jane Smith to regularly display their underwear to the young viewers.

U is for....ULTIMATE ADVENTURE, THE

Another disastrous Doctor Who theatrical production, also featuring Margaret Thatcher (although this time she was portrayed by an actress, Jean Hibbert). Originally, the Doctor was portrayed by Jon Pertwee, but for reasons unknown he was later replaced by Colin Baker. As the script had been written by Terrance Dicks especially for the third Doctor, Baker felt he had to change some of the lines, most notably Pertwee's catchphrase "reverse the polarity of the neutron flow", which he changed to "reverse the linearity of the proton flow". The Ultimate Adventure is now best remembered for Baker's disgustingly coloured coat, which was even less tasteful than the one he wore in the BBC television series.

V is for....VIRGO, JOHN

Bearded professional snooker player turned bearded television host, John Virgo is probably best-known as Jim Davidson's foil in the dire gameshow Big Break, in which he wears appalling tasteless waist coats and entertains with his well-known trick-shots, which rarely seem to actually work.

W is for....WELSH, PAUL

Former BBC News reporter whose lack of charm and talent led him to make regular appearances on Newsround. One infamous occasion took him to the BBC Motorshow, where he sat in what he called "..the star of this year's Motorshow - the Batmobile!" Unfortunately, some mischievous technician then turned up the dry ice machine to full, and he was swamped in smoke, leaving him coughing. He then commented to camera, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha - can't see a bloody thing!"

X is for....XAVIER

Frank Cross's middle name in the film Scrooged, a modern day re-write of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol starring Bill Murray as Cross, a television mogul who has no compassion or generosity until he is visited by three ghosts, and is shown the error of his ways. This is the only thing we could think of for the Letter X, and SpaceWhale Publishing would like to apologise for the lack of humour in this entry.

Y is for...."YOUR FUTURE IS WHATEVER YOU MAKE IT, SO MAKE IT A GOOD ONE - BOTH OF YOU!"

Appallingly sentimental lines spoken by Doctor Emmett Brown at the end of Back To The Future Part III, thus ruining the climax of the time travel trilogy. Much debate has raged as to which is the best of the three films, but most critics are in agreement that the guest appearances by Huey Lewis in the first film and ZZ Top in the third are pointless indulgences.

Z is for....ZOOKEEPER

Dreadfully unfunny job title appended to Bono, lead singer of U2, in Neworderstory, a 1993 documentary covering the career of Joy Division and New Order. Amongst those interviewed were Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook, Steven Morris, Gillian Gilbert, Anthony H. Wilson, Rob Gretton, Peter Saville, Neil Tennant, and Bono. Seeming to be somewhat tired and emotional, the Irish rock legend (real name Paul Hewson) sings an excerpt of "Love Will Tear Us Apart" but gets the words wrong, and makes bizarre comments such as "But what was all that stuff with the Nazi imagery, guys? Tsk tsk tsk", "They were an original of the species later called Goth" and "I wonder if I died, would U2 carry on? Yes - probably much better!"