By Jerrard Habris

"Oh God, Lewis. What's going on?"

Once again, we turn to the words of the forever bewildered Chief Inspector Morse, this time speaking about a campaign of personal harassment against him in "Masonic Mysteries". However, he could quite easily have been referring to the state of youth culture in the UK today, which can still, despite the presence on the bookshelves of the ever-handy The A-Z of Popular Culture, seem quite terrifyingly alien to the uncool. So, to further educate those who still think that Hollyoaks is a gardening programme, Percy Thrower was a round in the Highland Games, and that the Daily Mail is a newspaper, we proudly present The A-Z of Popular Culture Volume II - read on, and stay forever hip.....

A is for....ARTS WEEK

A regular cultural event at Burleigh Community College for ten years until 1995, when it was axed by Arts Co-ordinator Keith Stubbs. Although it often featured superb live music, drama and dance, we are naturally going to focus on its more notorious side. Musically, the worst performances are two-fold. One is that of the Outcasts, a 1994 band featuring James Wolfe and Andrew Keates, who thought the name was amusing, although the humour was lost on the audience. After a terrible rendition of the odious Money For Nothing, James announced he was to perform some Jean-Michael Jarre music on his computer, which was fortunately curtailed by a mischievous backstage technician, prompting the heartfelt but inappropriate comment, "Give him an Oscar". The second is that of a 1994 Year ten music group, who conducted by Keith Stubbs attempted such classics as the theme from Star Wars. Sadly, they were hampered by a stoned drummer known only as Rory, and Keith's manic shouting: "RORY! WATCH ME! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!" has passed into Burleigh folklore.

The drama pieces are harder to analyse, although perhaps the most unintentionally amusing was the short drama now known only as "Tin of beans, Billy?", performed by Miriam Rose and Maxine Ahearne in 1990. With some screeching music played by the performers, and incomprehensible dialogue, this 'surreal' item left the audience confused, and even embarrassed. An honourable mention must also go to the short play from 1992 that featured a character called Alexander who was nicknamed - hilariously - Alex Wanker. In the dance section, the honours must go to Paul Farrell's Year ten dance group, again from 1994, whose attempts to shake their overly large thighs to Boom Boom Shake The Room was for many watching the lowlight of their entire lives.

B is for....BARBARA

Unseen female character in the atrocious monologue used by Jim Keane as part of his A Level Theatre Studies practical examination. The whole piece was meant to be about five minutes long, but sadly lasted just two, with Jim sitting on a sofa grinning in that manic way of his and uttering dialogue like: "You think I want to fuck Barbara. I don't. Well.....I do." Unsurprisingly, he failed his exam miserably.

C is for....COMPO

Disgusting, smelly old man portrayed by Bill Owen in the 'gentle' comedy series, Last Of The Summer Wine. The programme features the same story every week of three old men, Compo, Clegg (Peter Sallis) and Foggy (Brian Wilde) wandering through the lush Yorkshire countryside and talking about Compo's attempts to get together with Nora Batty (Kathy Staff). Every week somebody falls off a ladder, a young lady in a pub is shocked by the contents of a matchbox (a joke that is never explained) and the men are thrown out of the cafe, run by the dictatorial Ivy. Despite its lack of variety, the show has run for over twenty years, and even spawned a disastrous spin-off, First Of The Summer Wine which featured the characters as young people in the 1920s.

D is for....DOBBER

Word used in early episodes of Neighbours, The Young Doctors and other Australian soaps to the hilarity of English audiences. To recap, to an Australian, a 'dobber', is one who 'dobs someone in' (tells tales of them) but sadly, in this country, it is a nickname for a popular form of barrier contraceptive. In an even more bizarre difference between nations, a Craig McLachlan interview in the 1990 Smash Hits Yearbook reveals that the Australian word for a duvet is 'dooner', with duvet being a nickname for a popular form of barrier contraceptive.

E is for...."ELEANOR BOLSTRIDGE"

Dated spoof of a classic Beatles song, perpetuated by members of Rob Bolstridge's 1992/4 A-Level Sociology class. Thankfully uncompleted, the lyrics went: "Eleanor Bolstridge/picks up his glasses from Vision Express/Hair in a mess". Hilarious, obviously.

F is for...."FLUFF" FREEMAN

Nickname given to veteran disc jockey Alan Freeman, who was the doyen of radio throughout the Sixties and Seventies. Notorious for his appalling taste in music and his vast range of banal catchphrases such as "Don't let anybody put you down" and "If you love someone, tell 'em - before it's too late."

Right you are, 'Fluff'.

G is for....GET FRESH

Saturday morning television entertainment programme for children from the 1980s. Hosted by Charlotte Hindle, and Gaz Top, it featured an only faintly amusing puppet, Gilbert the Alien, and a ludicrously unrealistic 'spaceship' that was really a portable television studio. Highlights include FuzzBox performing their hit single Pink Sunshine only for the tape to which they were miming to start speeding up and eventually switching off, to their hilarity and the producer's dismay. After the series folded, Gaz Top began presenting How 2 with 'the thinking man's crumpet' (Carol Vorderman) and an 'old dinosaur from the Seventies' (Fred Dineage). He also revealed that his real name was Gareth Jones, which was infinitely more sensible than his stupid pseudonym, making you wonder why he used it in the first place.

H is for...."HUMBULAY"

Inexplicable word created by pop singer Morrissey for the coda of the unforgettable Get Off The Stage. The song, which also refers to "misguided trousers", "mascara" and "the patience of the ones behind you", was the b-side of Piccadilly Palare, and both tracks featured dismal spoken backing vocals from former Madness star, Suggs.

I is for...."INTRODUCING JOHN CLEESE"

Hopelessly unfunny part of the credits for the 1993 film, "Splitting Heirs".

J is for....JOHN MAJOR

The popular and charismatic leader of the Conservative Party, and the Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, John Major ran away from his gypsy, circus roots to work in a bank. Perhaps anticipating a gargantuan defeat at the looming general election, he tried to develop a new personality, or rather, just develop a personality, at the last Tory Conference. The new John Major was sadly a tragic failure, culminating in absurd jokes ("When I was born, my mother was fifty. My father was....surprised"), hard-hitting politics ("I don't believe you Mr. Adams, I don't believe you") and most strangely of all, conversations with dead people ("I say to you now, well done - for what you have done for your country"). He ended the last of these with the bizarre phrase, "And a big hello to all my friends in Northern Ireland", whoever they may be.

K is for....KEITH HODIAK

Classically trained dancer who appeared in Doctor Who as the horrifying Raston Warrior Robot, a creature that could move at the speed of light. Unfortunately, due to the tight-fitting nature of his costume, Keith found himself unable to get out of it to go to the toilet during a recording on location, and ended up relieving himself inside it, leaving a stain that had to be scrubbed away by a technician.

L is for...."LET THE RIGHT ONE SLIP IN"

Obscure song only available in America, written and performed by Morrissey and his 'YTS Rockabillys' in 1992. Heaven alone knows what it's about, but as it was beaten to a UK b-side place by There Speaks A True Friend, so it is probably best left unheard by the discerning English listener.

M is for...."MAKE IT SO"

One of the catchphrases used by Captain of the USS Enterprise, Jean-Luc Picard. His other great favourite was "Earl Grey - hot." To be utterly fair, neither of these are a patch on "I can't believe I kissed you", "Godammit Spock, godammit!", "You got any more of that special ingredient?", "How many fingers am I holding up?", or "Double-dumb ass on you!", all from the repertoire of Picard's predecessor, the late, unlamented James Tiberius Kirk.

N is for....NED KELLY

The first film released (although not the first made) starring rock singer Mick Jagger in an acting role. Despite having recorded a superb film just a few months previously entitled Performance, Mick's acting credibility was irrevocably damaged by the absolutely diabolical Ned Kelly, in which he attempted an Irish accent, despite the film's Australian setting. Other hilarious moments in the film include the dreadful costumes and the woeful dialogue (one of Mick's lines begins "With my lips...."), but the absolute worst part was the commercial trailer, in which a deep booming American voice announces: "Mick Jagger IS Ned Kelly", and even worse, "If Ned Kelly were alive today, he would BE Mick Jagger".

After Performance, Mick gave up acting again, although a large cash settlement tempted him to return to the big screen in 1991 with Freejack, in which he played a time-travelling bounty hunter. Sadly, the results were embarrassingly bad, and Mick has vowed never to act again.

O is for....ORVILLE

Nauseating green duck who wore a nappy, created by the vaguely talented ventriloquist Keith Harris. Orville was forever unhappy due to the fact that he couldn't fly. This was probably due to the fact that Keith had his hand up the bird's arse all day long. Keith's other 'great' puppet was Cuddles the monkey, whose enduring catchphrase was "I hate that duck". Wise words.

P is for....PETER DAVISON

The fifth actor to take the title role in Doctor Who, Davison's portrayal is frequently described as 'youthful' or 'a sort of reckless innocent', but was most recently described by the actor himself as 'crap'. For three years in the early Eighties, Doctor Who meant hearing Davison say things like "Oh must I?", "You will escort Chancellor Flavia back to her duties!" and "I wonder, boy, what would you do if you were me, mmm?" in a strange voice, whilst appearing in terribly overlit sets with companions who ranged from the talentless but attractive Nyssa to the attractive but talentless Peri. As well as meeting the Master nearly every week, the Fifth Doctor encountered his old enemies the Daleks and the Cybermen, as well as the horrifying Monarch and the terrifying Tractators. His incarnation came to an all too early end in "The Caves Of Androzani", his final word being "Adric". It somehow seemed appropriate.

Q is for....QUEEN

Vastly popular pomp-rock band, whose career spanned three decades until it was curtailed by the tragic death of lead singer Freddie Mercury from an AIDS-related illness. Freddie was well known for his openly bi-sexual lifestyle, so it seemed a ghastly mistake for Brian May to release the song Too Much Love Can Kill You as a single, especially when it was mercilessly lampooned as Too Much Hair Can Kill You, an amusing attack on the follicly over-grown guitarist. Great Queen moments include the 1989 hit single, Invisible Man, which contained the momentous line, R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-roger Taylor".

R is for....RINGO STARR

The drummer in the Beatles, and narrator of a popular children's television series. In a recent television documentary, he summed up the Sixties: "It was love. And bloody peace."

S is for....STEVE YULE

The stage name of actor Steven Parkinson. Although a wonderful human being and all-round good egg when offstage, his unfortunate monotone delivery and strange emphasis on words made him unintentionally hilarious. As well as the evergreen "That's always the way of things", some of his other greats include: "Where have YOU been?", "What do you expect me to do? KILL them?", "They were a bit wary of the horses", "They're brighter than my black ones", "I'm waiting for....my wife" and "Taking off her....veil".

T is for...."THE DOCTOR'S WIFE"

Either the sadly uncompleted original debut adventure for Colin Baker, or a disastrously misguided publicity drive by John Nathan-Turner.

U is for....UNCLE WHO

One of many bizarre nicknames given to William Hartnell in the early Sixties by fans of Doctor Who. . In a strange interview in 1965, Hartnell explained:

"Everyone calls me Doctor Who and I feel like him. I get letters addressed to me as 'Mr. Who' and even 'Uncle Who'. But I love being this eccentric old man. I love it when my granddaughter Judith calls me 'barmy old grandad'. I'm the High Lama of the planet. Although I play a mixed-up old man, I have discovered I can hypnotise children."

It is not very surprising that Hartnell came to believe he was the Doctor, as he was obviously going a bit mad. This was to happen to another Time Lord ten years later, when Tom Baker started to blur the lines of fact and fiction. In 1983, he remembered: "Apart from my close friends and colleagues, everybody called me the Doctor." Fans of Doctor Who have never really understood the terrible pressures that they put on the actors playing their Gallifreyan hero.

V is for....VIZLOR

The amusing first name of the Fifth Doctor's companion, Turlough, which perhaps unsurprisingly went unrevealed until his final adventure, "Planet Of Fire", and he knew he would never have to face the Doctor again. Turlough was portrayed by Mark Strickson, an actor whose superb talent ranged from the joyfully happy ("I feel so calm, and relaxed") to the coldly realistic ("Die"). Due to his apparent popularity with fans, Turlough featured in one of the sadly forgotten Companions Of Doctor Who series of novels, "Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma", which unfortunately raised disturbing issues about the copyright in the name Turlough, and sold very poorly. Equally unpopular was Ian Marter's attempt to recreate the companion he played on television in the dismal "Harry Sullivan's War".

W is for...."WE APOLOGISE FOR THE LOSS OF SOUND"

As said by a Central Television continuity announcer during a 1996 repeat showing of the Inspector Morse episode "The Silent World Of Nicholas Quinn". Unfortunately, the sound had not been lost at all as the scene was set in a lip-reading class, and as the announcer tried to finish, the noise of the teacher writing noisily on the blackboard disturbed the silence and compounded the announcer's humility. Surprisingly, he was not sacked, although he no doubt received a stern reprimand.

X is for....XXXX

As in Chief Inspector Morse's unfortunate joke in the Australian adventure, "Promised Land" - "They don't spell their beer with four X's for nothing, you know."

Y is for...."YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING......."

Perennial onscreen message at the end of all BBC comedy series produced by David Croft, such as Dad's Army, Are You Being Served, Oh Doctor Beeching and of course, Hi-De-Hi. Perhaps the definitive Croft comedy, co-written like most with Jimmy Perry, it was a not-very-subtle satire on the Butlins holiday camps that followed the adventures of those who worked at Maplins.

Starring Paul Shane as Ted Bovis, Simon Cadell as Jeffrey Fairbrother (later replaced by Richard Griffin as Clive Dempster), Ruth Madoc as Gladys Pugh, Su Pollard as Peggy Ollerenshaw and Jeffrey Holland Spike Dixon, the series ran for many years, and peaked with the shocking two-parter, Who Killed Mr. Partridge?, a shocking departure from the norm which saw Mr. Partridge, the Punch And Judy Man, stabbed in the back and thrown into the swimming pool. Predictably, it turned out he wasn't dead, and it was just a dummy floating in the pool. Other 'classic' moments included the regular attempted seductions of Jeffrey or Clive by Gladys, the 'Who's got the wrong trousers on?' contest and Ted's 'Famous People On The Toilet' routine, which will never be forgotten.

Z is for....ZEPHYRUS

The God of Wind, described in the prologue to Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales as blowing his "sweet breath", making him the polar opposite to Keith Stubbs.