By Jerrard Habris

A is for....ANTHONY AINLEY

Saturnine featured character actor, who appeared ten times in Doctor Who as the Master, the Doctor's arch enemy. However, the majority of his stories were populated with over-the-top laughter, bizarre pronunciations and smugness. Lines such as "Chancellor Flavia!", "One of my predecessors", "What makes you think his other selves are in the zone?" and "Doctor, wait!" are among the classics of his repertoire, and they're all from just one story! Another amusing thing about Ainley's appearances is that as the Master always began his stories in some kind of disguise, the actor's name was always rearranged into an anagram in Radio Times to preserve the secret of the Master's appearance. Some of the all time greats include: Neil Toynay, Leon Ny Taiy and James Stoker (Master's Joke).

B is for....BLOOPERS

A name of unknown origin given to mistakes made during either the recording, or live transmission, of television programmes. London Weekend Television long ago realised that a cheap way of making a popular programme was to put all these mistakes together, and make a show hilariously titled "It'll Be Alright On The Night" out of it.

Sadly, by allowing Denis Norden to waffle self-indulgently about the outtakes "we couldn't get our hands on" in the guise of presenting the programme, LWT presented the BBC with a challenge to make a similar programme with an even less appreciable host. With "Auntie's Bloomers", presented by the odious Terry Wogan, the Beeb succeeded. Classics from the TV archives include Philip Schofield's encounter with a large conker ("great fanfare guys...ooof!"), a confused American's hearing difficulties with regard to an omen ("It's a new one"), and many more.

C is for....COLIN BAKER

The sixth actor to play the lead role in Doctor Who, but also the star of Seventies soap opera The Brothers, in the role of evil tycoon Paul Merroney, and several stage plays including Fear Of Frying. Sadly, many Doctor Who fans have taken a dislike to Baker, whose tenure as the Time Lord was the briefest, lasting for just eight stories, as opposed to the eight years he had initially stated he would remain in the role. They claim he was arrogant, violent, selfish, and generally behaved in a manner that was completely unlike the Doctor. Baker later attempted to justify his portrayal by saying "The Doctor believes in the essential rightness of things. Now right doesn't always mean happy, or beautiful, but right", although this was scant compensation as it was, to most people, completely meaningless.

D is for....DeFORREST KELLEY

Veteran actor who's only claim to fame has been his thirty year 'trek' as Doctor Leonard McCoy in the television series and films under the banner name Star Trek. McCoy's grumpy, unlikeable persona has not prevented him from making DeForrest Kelley into a household name, and a very rich one at that. Some classic McCoy-isms include: "You two could drive a man to drink - you really piss me off", "I'm beginning to believe I can cure a rainy day", "I think I liked him better when he was dead", "Why that green blooded son-of-a-bitch!", and of course his almost legendary description of 'time warp', the Trek equivalent of time travel: "Sling shot round the sun, and if you get break away speed you got time warp." Simple, really.

E is for...."EENY MEANY MINEY MO, SHALL I SAY YES, SHALL I SAY NO?"

A little game that Geoff Emerick played in his head immediately after being offered the position of engineer to the Beatles and their producer, 'the best ears in the business' George Martin. Writer Mark Lewisohn is clearly a fan of Emerick's; not only does he credit him as having "the best tuned ears in the business" at the age of twenty, but he also gives him "a rare burst of laconic wit", quotes him as using the immortal line "the expletives were really flying", and makes reference to the equally legendary shot of Scotch that Emerick and George Martin were enjoying just as they were suddenly put live on television to the entire world for the 'All You Need Is Love' broadcast.

F is for....FOCKIN'

A pastime engaged in by several of the regulars at Byker Grove, a fictional Newcastle youth club created by BBC Television. A classic episode of the series featured PJ trying to coerce Amanda into making love, only for her to announce "I'm not that kind of girl". Like all caring teenage boys, teetering on that precipice of adolescence and maturity, desperate to say the right thing and make the girl feel relaxed and comfortable, PJ responded, "Oh yes you are!" The slap in the face he received was possibly more due to the pantomime nature of his reply, rather than the actual content of it, but probably not.

G is for....GEORGE LAZONBY

A former Australian model, Lazonby was abysmally miscast as the British hero James Bond in the film On Her Majesty's Secret Service, which was an unfortunate addition to the 007 canon. However, it does contain two amusing lines ("This never happened to the other fellow!" and "Just a slight stiffness") and one of the most enduring Bond continuity references: the murder of his wife only minutes after their wedding, a hackneyed plot later reused in Knight Rider, an American drama series featuring David Hasselhoff and a talking car, known as KITT. In the light of Hassellhoff's later 'success' in Baywatch and as a popular singer in Germany, it is unsurprising that the car won the critic's praise as the best actor in the show.

H is for....HUGH JARCE-KEANE

Amusing nickname given to Jim Keane in 1994, in recognition of his absurdly pompous 'Theatre Man' persona, and his overtly large rear end. Other variations include simply Hugh Jarce, and almost as funny, Hugh Janus. The joke reached it's apex when Jim began receiving letters addressed to one 'Hugh Jarce-Keane', although it fell rather flat when Jim's father thought they were for him, and failed to appreciate the irony of the name.

I is for....INSPECTOR MORSE

Allegedly Britain's most popular detective, played on television by John Thaw and created by deaf author Colin Dexter on a wet holiday in Wales during the mid-Seventies. Some of the most popular Morse adjectives include: "morose", "brooding", "crossword-loving", "lovelorn" and "ale-swilling". After thirteen books and thirty television episodes, Dexter recently revealed that Morse's secret first name was obviously enough, Endeavour. Kevin Whateley, who plays Morse's much put-upon sidekick Sergeant Lewis, revealed that his character would not have been able to guess his chief's first name. This is unsurprising, as he failed to notice his daughter (the ludicrously named Lynn Lewis) had aged seven years in just two series.

J is for....JN-T

Abbreviated moniker adopted by former call-boy and production unit manager, John Nathan-Turner.

In his own words, JN-T was "overweight", a "heavy smoker" and had "something of a penchant for the devil's brew". With these excellent qualifications, he was an ideal choice for a BBC producer, and was at the helm of Doctor Who from 1979 to 1990. He introduced a glossy, expensive feel to the programme with overseas locations such as Amsterdam and Seville, where due to budgetary restrictions the crew were only paid half their usual wages and had to buy their own meals. However, JN-T has been cast as the ultimate villain in the decline and eventual cancellation of Doctor Who by numerous publications, although strangely his own memoirs, recently serialised in Doctor Who Magazine, tell a very different story.

K is for....KNOCKERS

The name for adornments generally placed on the front doors of houses for the purpose of alerting residents to the arrival of a visitor. A valuable antique door knocker from Durham appeared on the children's magazine programme Blue Peter in the early part of the Eighties, along with a replica that was to replace it, allowing the original knocker to be put in a museum. The item was presented by Christopher Wenner, one of the three highly professional presenters at the time.

Oh alright! And then, he handed over to inexperienced Derbyshire farm boy Simon Groom, who in either a wry, knowing, post-modern adult joke, or a shockingly naive oversight, remarked "Mmm, what a beautiful pair of knockers." Groom denied it was an intentional innuendo, claiming he had meant to say, "Mmm, nice tits." He left the programme several years later and has not worked in television since.

L is for....LILLICRAP

Almost unbelievable surname of the presenter of Flicks, a children's storybook programme which featured one Christopher Lillicrap singing songs and playing the guitar. Fortunately, the age range of the show was too young to pick up on the absurdity of Lillicrap's name.

M is for....MIND-MELD

An inexplicable process indigenous to natives of the planet Vulcan, whereby the thoughts of one person can be transferred to the mind of another. The most celebrated use of this was by the most celebrated son of Vulcan, Mister Spock, in the dull film Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan in which he gave his entire personality to Doctor McCoy in anticipation of his own forthcoming death. Although one might initially be concerned, as McCoy was well known for his extremely small and narrow mind, it is reassuring to note that as Spock had no discernible personality anyway, McCoy's mind would not necessarily be disturbed at all. And indeed, it wasn't, until the following film, Star Trek III: The Search For Spock when Spock's thoughts began to infiltrate the good Doctor. Then McCoy began to behave strangely, and he was imprisoned for mental instability. When Admiral James T. Kirk came to rescue him, the former resident of Iowa greeted him with the witty one-liner, "How many fingers am I holding up?" whilst using a well-known Vulcan hand signal. Surprisingly, McCoy did not respond with a well-known human hand signal.

N is for....NIGEL CARTER

Stereotypical trainspotter figure created by comedy duo Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. Portrayed by the latter, Carter was a fan of model aircraft enticed into the lair of seedy artist, Simbold Clearbury. The sketch was predictably laden with antique innuendo such as "my, that IS a jumbo" and "it was a focker", but did contain much amusement value due to Stephen Fry's vocalisation of Clearbury's lines, such as: "Nigel, you amaze me", "It sounds it Nigel!", "Mercy Nigel, since you were four!" and "So often the way."

O is for...."OLD WAVE"

Classic 1984 album recorded by the second best drummer in the Beatles, Ringo Starr. This record was originally only available in Canada but now is not available anywhere at all.

P is for....PETER EGAN

Fictional throat lozenge devised by the KYTV team solely for the only partially amusing slogan, "Suck quillies! Suck quillies! Suck quillies!"

R is for....RHIMINEY-RHIMINEY-RHIMINEY

One of several vocal warm-up exercises developed by the unlamented drama and dance teacher Paul Farrell, late of Burleigh Community College. Other disastrous attempts at clearing the throat and preparing the voice for performance included "buggernecker-buggernecker-buggernecker" and the never popular "mini-mini-mini", although the origins of these obscure chants were never explained.

Formerly of Salford, Farrell was notorious for his home-made sweaters (complete with his name sewn into the collars) and his dismal attempts at humour, many of which have been detailed elsewhere, although this resume would be incomplete without a thankfully brief mention of his unfortunate "mister bus driver" routine.

S is for....SPACEWHALE PUBLISHING

Publishing house set up in 1996, taking its name from the sadly unmade Doctor Who story, "Song Of The Space Whale", which would have featured either the Fifth of Sixth incarnation of the Time Lord. The most popular and prolific writers at SpaceWhale Publishing are of course Professor Benny Summerfling and Jerrard Habris.

T is for...."TWO LITTLE BOYS"

1969 Christmas number one for Australian entertainer and animal lover, Rolf Harris. The song tells the tale of two young brothers, one of whom was a psychopath who ripped the head off his wooden horse before entering into an incestuous tryst with his sibling. Like a lot of homosexual maniacs, he joined the army and in a battle several years later, met up with his brother who was in the enemy army. As well as the unanswered question as to how they came to be on opposite sides (did one defect and become a spy?), the song's climax sees the battle come to an abrupt halt as history repeats itself, with one brother helping the other onto his horse, and the two reminiscing about their youth when they were "two little boys". Teeth-grindingly sentimental, the song is one of Baroness Thatcher's all-time favourites.

U is for....UNITED NATIONS INTELLIGENCE TASKFORCE

The full name of UNIT, the military organisation whose British operations were originally headed by Brigadier Alastair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart. Despite it's apparently 'modern' setting, and liberal values, the only female they ever offered a job was Liz Shaw - Jo Grant wangled her way in through relatives in high places, and Sarah Jane Smith never worked for them at all. "God bless the good ship Women's Lib, and all who sail in her......"

V is for....VIDEO EFFECT

A layman's term for how the Doctor Who production team achieved the impossible, and created the Doctor's sixth regeneration without the presence of the departing actor (Colin Baker), as he had already departed some months earlier. Sylvester McCoy donned the legendary patchwork coat, and a video effect was used to blur his face. However, many children complained about the lack of realism, so perhaps an even more appropriate layman's term would be 'crap'.

W is for....WILLIAM HARTNELL

The first, and some might say greatest actor to portray the Doctor, although exactly who says this apart from his granddaughter we cannot be certain. Hartnell's 'definitive' performance involved the actor grasping his lapels, forgetting his lines and repeating things his enemies said back to him. Although this could be described as incompetent buffoonery, fans tend to describe this the portrayal as "irascible, but loveable". Perhaps the fairest thing to say about these fans is that like Star Trek aficionados who are either 'trekkies' or 'trekkers', Hartnell devotees belong to two groups: those that prefer the name 'Chatterton', and those that prefer the name 'Chesserman'.

X is for....X-FILES

An exciting science fiction drama series, in which strange happenings and alien invaders are tackled by a mysterious man whose motives sometimes seem unclear and a beautiful female assistant who can't quite believe what she is seeing. Both of them belong to a government agency and operate under the partial jurisdiction of a commanding officer, although the man often disobeys the words of his superior. However, that's quite enough about the Jon Pertwee era of Doctor Who. The similarity between the two series ends when it becomes clear that David Duchovny does not have a lisp, and Mitch Pileggi, who plays AD Skinner, has never yet had the opportunity to wear an eyepatch.

Y is for...."YES. THAT IS WHERE WE LIVED."

A bizarre utterance by John Major during the 1992 General Election campaign in which he drove around the Brixton streets where he grew up. After purchasing some kippers, he took great delight in discovering his old house was, unlike the country, still standing. "It is. It's still there!", he enthused, eyes lighting up like Margaret Thatcher's. Perhaps it was this boyish charm that led to his victory at the polls, and the failure of the British public to hound him from office.

Z is for....ZARGO