Spoon's Book of Lists

Nine things a woman shouldn’t do when buying a car (new)

  1. Say “does that wheel thing come with the car?”

  2. Squeal “Ohhh what a pretty colour”

  3. Ask if you can bring the car back when you want the radio re-tuning as you can’t do it with your gorgeous nails

  4. Sit in the drivers seat and immediately make sure the mirrors will be good for doing you makeup

  5. Try to use jargon you don’t understand such as “how many watts is the engine?” or “is it a digital suspension?

  6. Refer to the back seat as the “shoe rack”

  7. Say “what does the sun roof do when it’s cloudy?”

  8. Ask “Does it come in pastel shades?”

  9. Say "what colour do the lights come in?"

 

Nine things a man shouldn’t do when buying a car (new)

  1. Say “how does it handle after fifteen pints?”

  2. Ask “does it come with one of those anti-speed gun devices?”

  3. Shout “I hope the suspension is up to my shagging power”

  4. Bad - telling the salesman “I like it but I’ll have to see what my wife says”

  5. Worse - telling the salesman “I like it but I’ll have to see what my boyfriend says”

  6. Worst of all - telling the salesman “I like it but I’ll have to see what my mother says”

  7. Sit in the drivers seat and immediately make sure the mirrors will be good for doing you makeup

  8. Brandish a chain and say “What kind of discount will you give me not  smash all the other cars?”

  9. Open the boot and say “You could fit a mother AND her daughter in there.”

 

Seventeen things you shouldn't put on your CV

  1. Jam

  2. Time spent in prison

  3. Swear words

  4. Kisses

  5. Details of past hair styles

  6. “Pert buttocks” included under Skills and Achievements

  7. Your bank account details

  8. Sexual history

  9. Poetry you’ve written

  10. Any sentence which ends with “…and it turned out to be a woman.”

  11. A picture of a cheque with the caption “this can be yours if you play the game”

  12. Bodily stains

  13. Your opinions – however strong and well reasoned – on Doritos and their various flavours

  14. A list of your previous names and aliases

  15. The joke you heard in the pub about the nun and the extra wide carrot

  16. Any reference to spanking

  17. Nazi propaganda

 

12 Ways to Improve a Shopping Trip

  1. When you sign your credit card slip, say “I hope I’ve got the signature right this time” in a shifty tone.

  2. Go into a clothes store and attempt to buy a naked mannequin.

  3. Sniff the underwear before you buy it and ask the assistant “Where do you keep the ones that people bring back for refunds?”

  4. Pick up a pork chop and ask an assistant “Did this die a happy death?”

  5. Go to a newsagents and buy one gay porn mag, one straight porn mag, a copy of Diva, the Socialist Worker, Teddy Bear World and a packet of Pokemon cards.

  6. Men – buy a packet of sanitary towels, pretend to have a really heavy cold and say in a loud voice “I hope these are stronger than the last tissues I bought”.

  7. Sing the jingles of every product as you take it out of your basket.

  8. Women – forget your regular shopping list and simply buy one large cucumber, one tub of Vaseline and a pack of twelve extra large condoms.

  9. Ask shop assistants “Is this the chain that’s run by fascists?”

  10. Refuse the help of the first person to ask if you need any assistance saying “Could I speak to someone with a larger bottom?”

  11. While you are standing in a queue at a store with a telephone near the cash desk, ring the number and ask whoever answers it why they aren’t operating the spare till?

  12. Ask to see a number of kitchen gadgets and each time ask “Can I use this to get on the internet?”

 

Fourteen words to avoid using during job interviews

  1. Suicide

  2. Piss

  3. Misconduct

  4. Satan

  5. Cock

  6. Moist

  7. Herpes

  8. Fisting

  9. Tampon

  10. Nipple

  11. Infected

  12. Analingus

  13. Hitler

  14. Cripple

Eight reasons you shouldn’t give for leaving your last job

  1. Masturbating at your desk

  2. Sexual congress with a printer

  3. Stealing cars from the car park

  4. Criticising your company on Watchdog

  5. Installing a spy camera in the executive washroom

  6. Running a chip shop during works time

  7. Dangerous levels of flatulence

  8. Inventing a bogus charity as an excuse to shave colleagues heads

Four things that are probably better than donuts

  1. Sex

  2. Money

  3. Pizza

  4. World Peace

Seven overrated celebrities

  1. Tony Gubba

  2. Alice Beer

  3. Gabby Logan

  4. Liza Goddard

  5. Russ Abbot

  6. Chelsea Clinton

  7. The 1471 woman
 

More coming soon...