America is prepared for any attack thanks to sites like this. But some of their advice is rather cryptic and needs Spoon's unique gift for education to explain it.

"Radio stations with ill-judged names will only be granted limited catchment areas"

"It's perfectly natural to feel really depressed when you're under attack from terrorists"

"Michael Jackson is a patriotic American and he will cry when the bombs go off"

"Be prepared - in an emergency YOU may have to patronise someone rather than wait for the professionals"

"Smoking KILLS"

"WARNING - a CD bearing any of these labels is likely to be by a Nu-Metal band"

"If radiation mutates you on your way home from work, console yourself with how much money you'll save now you can clean your own windows"

"In a crisis you may have to use a foreigner. If so, choose an Englishman because they're almost as good as we are"

"If tragedy strikes, morale will be kept high because Countdown will offer prizes rather than dictionaries"