America is prepared for any attack thanks to sites like this. But their latest advice is even more cryptic and Spoon had to call on his assistant Summerfield to explain some of it.

"Shrug off your despair at the wide spread death and pollution following a nuclear attack by looting some of your local electrical stores."

"Never attempt to trap Mick Hucknall behind a locked door."

"Always make sure one of your questions on Blind Date is "Are you, or have you ever been contaminated by an over-exposure to dangerous radiation? That's to numbers one, two, and three...""

"If you need advice on how to wash your hands, call our free, confidential helpline."

"this diagram shows the correct pose to adopt whilst at a Damien Hurst exhibition"

"In an emergency you might be faced with stairs. Do not panic - they are just like elevators and can even aid weight loss as part of a calorie controlled catastrophe"

"Do not fear gingers - they are not all spacks"

"Don't let the terrorists create unnecessary panic. Noughts and Crosses is as safe as it's ever been"

""If you suffer stress as a result of thinking you are too dull to be at risk of attack, why not carry round a handy target. In times of crisis, your mental health is important."

"Smokers should collect dog-ends from underneath park benches and keep them in sterilised plastic containers."

"To keep morale high, organise bizarre fighting events."

"Mutation won't keep an American family apart"

"An emergency situation is no time to offer sexual services and then become emotional if spurned."

"If you experience fear, remember that Thing from the Addams Family is on our side"

"Do not wear dull clothes - you never know when you will be called upon to boost morale with a rainbow impression"