America is prepared for any attack thanks to sites like this. But some of their advice is rather cryptic and needs Spoon's unique gift for education to explain it.

"States with very poor town naming skills are thought to be most at risk"

"Even radiation needs somewhere safe to hide during an attack"
 

"Be warned - radiation will eavesdrop if it gets the chance"
 

"Strawberry, orange and lime is a potentially fatal aromatherapy mistake"

"Be careful not to touch gay people or you might catch it"

"If you have a foreign car, it might become aroused during a terrorist attack"
 

"If possible, don't drive through a nuclear explosion, drive round it"

"If you can't see terrorists, terrorists can't see you"
 

"In the event of a terrorist attack, do not get bogged down with bureaucracy"
 

"Those with hair will be issued with emergency whistles. Those without hair must make their own arrangements"

"Attempt to trap novelty missiles in a nearby door"
 

"Take care to buy a face mask which will survive even if your face dissolves"

"Prepare for danger by arsing around in rubble"
 

"If a chemical spray makes your thought bubbles real, walk away. You really don't want other people to see what you're thinking..."