A psychologist explains the psychology of car parking.

Doctor Lewis Collins

Description
This diagram shows a person who parks away from other cars, possibly by parking far away or by arriving very early.

Analysis
This person lacks confidence. They are someone who would rather avoid difficulties than face them.

The psychologist's advice
I would suggest this person confront their parking phobia before it becomes a problem.

Description
Clearly parked over the line when there is no apparent reason to do so.

Analysis
This is someone who has too much self belief. They consider themselves above the law and don't care who they inconvenience.

The psychologist's advice
They should look down once in a while and notice the paint on the road.

Description
An extension of number two - this person has parked in four separate spaces.

Analysis
Undoubtedly this person does not understand anything. Ye gods I wonder whether they were born or whether they were just a turd which crawled out of the wrong hole.

The psychologist's advice
Learn to use your eyes and your coordination at least on the same day.

Description
Parked at an angle and across two spaces.

Analysis
This person wants passers by to think they are important because they are parked in a clearly dynamic way. The truth is that they are drug addicts who cannot wait to get a fix. In every single case.

The psychologist's advice
Seek medical attention.

Description
The green car has gone out of its way to park as close as it can to the black car.

Analysis
Note that it is the passenger side of the green car and the driver side of the black car. Green is therefore on his own and leads a pathetic meals-for-one life.

The psychologist's advice
A girlfriend is clearly impossible but they could at least keep a briefcase on their passenger seat and go round to get it. It'll keep the door supple at any rate.

Description
Parked against the laws of the car park

Analysis
Anyone who could do this is clearly the sort of person who would found an extreme political party or invent a television game show. They must be removed from the gene pool.

The psychologist's advice
Green must die.

Description
Green has parked on top of black.

Analysis
This could only happen in a sit com. If it happens to you in real life you're probably in a Trueman Show style experiment.

The psychologist's advice
Check your mirrors for hidden cameras.

Description
Green has cloned himself just to take two spaces in the car park and inconvenience one other road user.

Analysis
The determination involved in actually cloning yourself or dividing cell by cell to produce a new version of yourself is almost to be admired.

The psychologist's advice
Ban this practice before Hitler is brought back to life.

Description
Green is a people carrier and is unable to park in normal spaces.

Analysis
People who drive people carriers are effectively shouting out the fact that they occasionally have sex and are capable of breeding.

The psychologist's advice
Do not let people carriers into traffic as you cannot see through them and that really irritates me.