Science Weighs God

Church leaders are up in arms today after scientists from Sunny Delight College Cambridge published a paper in which they claim to have proved the weight of God. Theological mathematician Nigel Gellfinch explained the basis of their calculation.

We know the weight of the Earth – God’s greatest achievement and recently voted number three in Channel 4’s Top One Hundred Inventions of all Time – and we know that a worker ant can carry 50 times his own bodyweight. Working on the proven assumption that God is a million times better than an ant we have been able to calculate that God must weigh 120,000,000,000,000,000 kilograms. 

Church of England spokesman Stephen Richelieu dismissed the report as “typical female catholic intellectual homosexual atheist divorcee propaganda” while the office of his holiness the Pope condemned it as “Way too much maths for a Sunday”.

Meanwhile, the Arch Bishop of Canterbury added his own fuel to the fire saying “Everyone knows God is weightless. He is everywhere and yet he is as fluffy as a cloud.”

The BBC’s Horizon programme is planning to make a special documentary special on the teams findings while Channel Four will be repeating the 100 Greatest Inventions on Bank Holiday Monday.

If you don’t want to know the result, look away now.

1. The iPod
2. The Rampant Rabbit
3. Planet Earth
4. Sliced Bread
5. Colour Television
6. Fire
7. Thongs
8. Robosapien
9. Ben and Jerry’s ice cream
10. The Wonderbra