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ROONEY WITHDRAWS FROM ENGLAND SQUAD Scouse wonderkid Wayne Rooney has withdrawn from the England football squad due to play Norway next week claiming he has to go on a quest to find a magical ring.
Everton’s director of football Peter Woof dismissed this explanation and said that Rooney was instead suffering from a slight cold. “Wayne Rooney has a head cold and we felt it was in his interests to withdraw from the squad and cuddle a hot water bottle for the weekend. We will be assessing his condition next Monday morning.” But Rooney refuses to be silenced. “I’m trying to assemble a band of noble adventurers to join me on this quest. Already I’ve got Phil Neville and Ashley Cole to join me and I’m hoping to persuade Frank Lampard too. One for all and all for one. We are the world’s last best hope for survival, like.” “I am disappointed that Wayne does not seem to think that a friendly international with Norway is important” grumbled Sven Goran Eriksson. “We need to practice the new 5-3-1-1 system against a really doughy defence and defences don’t get much more glutinous than the Norwegians.” Noted grass Nicky Butt passed the News Womb a receipt for “1 Aged Wizard Costume” which was signed by James Beatie. Draw your own conclusions. Wayne Rooney is 12.
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“It’s
out of my hands” he explained to reporters. “I was training one day when
an aged wizard came to me and said that the world would be sucked into a
void unless I travelled to the Mountains of Hasgard and found the Ring of
Righteousness. I was then to put the ring on my finger and challenge the
evil dragon Morot to combat by blood. I immediately said yes as it sounds
like a right good laugh.”