Internet to blame for "everything"
by our svelte young reporter Simon Hunt
 

The UN made a historic announcement last night, officially concluding that the Internet was to blame for everything.

Following the war in Iraq, continued terrorist attacks, and a general decline in global moral standards, a summit has been taking place in Brussells to "seek human-wide solutions" to these problems. UN Representative Jan Pronk said "it is quite clear that things started to go wrong for us all the moment they invented the Internet." He went on to blame famine, overpopulating of the Earth and "war in general" on the advent of the notorious so-called "information superhighway", which in recent years has revolutionised global communications, but also led to a rise in technology-assisted crime and the return of bands like Marillion on internet-only labels. Pronk concluded by noting that it was "quite likely" that differences in the Far East and the September 11 terrorist attacks probably had something to do with the Internet as well.

The news was welcomed by British newscaster Trevor McDonald, 87, who simply asked "Is the Internet to blame?". Despite yesterday's ruling, however, it was categorically announced that the Internet would not be switched off. The system, which is controlled and powered by a small hut somewhere in Southern Mexico, would remain, the UN confirmed, because it made shopping much easier.