"Smokers punished by new Euro-legislation"

Under new European legislation, people who smoke more than thirty cigarettes a day are now classed as chimneys rather than people. This harsh law came into force at midnight and means that cigarette users face losing all human rights protection.

"It is absurd to claim that smokers are no longer human beings" said pro-smoking campaigner Brian Cough. "Chimneys are made of bricks. If you care to check my legs you will find no bricks. Go on - check my legs. Please?"

Heavy smokers over the age of fifty can apply for a preservation order on the grounds of historical importance but the young smoker will find herself unable to call on even the most basic of policemen if in need.

"Basically, unless the police catch someone spraying obscene slogans on my body  or trying to set me alight, I am unprotected" said Mr Cough. "Are you sure you wouldn't like to see my legs?"

Eurocrat Neil McNeal explained that this measure was harsh but fair saying "We believe in being cruel to be kind."

"We are tough on smoking and tough on the causes of smoking" said Prime Minister Tony Blares before being informed that his party had just received a sizable donation from British Deathsticks Ltd. "And let me clarify the matter further" he added on his return "that we will fight this every step of the way."

We'll bring you more when we have it but we're all off to watch an elderly smoker be blown up as he has become potentially dangerous in high winds.