SHOPLIFTER CLAIMS HE ABSORBED MERCHANDISE

A man accused of shoplifting came to his own defence yesterday and claimed the goods were absorbed into his body as a result of a genetic abnormality. His immune system then rejected the goods which is how they came to be in pouches inside his extra large coat.

“I am a victim of my ultra-rare condition” claimed Lenny Sadd of Hemel Hempstead. “I spent too long standing next to the DVDs and they were assimilated by my over active skin. I didn’t know anything about it until the alarms were ringing and I was being dragged into the manager’s office. All I ask is for a little understanding of what is a very difficult condition.”

Mr Sadd was told by the police to absorb a pencil and, when he failed to do so, he was charged with the theft of entertainment products worth over two hundred pounds.

“It was a set up” he explained. “They knew full well that wood is the one substance I cannot absorb. It’s a simple matter of bodily chemistry – I have a wood intolerance and I don’t think that is a criminal offence, yet.”

We asked Mr Sadd whether this had been an affliction he’d had since birth.

“Most definitely. It usually manifested itself in sweet shops – I think sugar triggers my condition, like migraines. It’s a bugger and no mistake.”

Has he ever absorbed any people?

“I have to be very careful when I shake hands with someone. It’s my ultimate nightmare to clasp someone by the hand and find they have disappeared. Being in prison certainly worries me in case I end up with any body parts inside me.”

Mr Sadd was due to be sentenced next week after the judge laughed so hard at his pitiful defence that his wig flew off and landed on the stenographer’s head.