YOU’RE SELLING THE PISS

Jeffery Mustard of Bendaton in Firkinside was jailed for two years yesterday for selling his own urine as an energy drink. Mr Mustard, 55, claimed it was a high caffeine drink of natural origin and sold it for two pounds a bottle from a stall in the local market.

“I stand by my description” said Mr Mustard from the dock. “I pissed every single drop of that elixir myself so I know it’s one hundred percent natural.”

When quizzed by the judge as to how he could support the other claims, he replied that he drinks sixty cups of coffee per day and that his urine had more caffeine in it than any other comparable beverage. A nutritionist called in to analyse the drink backed Mr Mustard’s claims but still refused to drink it telling the court “That would be like tasting his cock, m’lud”.

Sales of the drink were high and customers seemed pleased with it at first.

“It changed my life” said Ian Lesbiam, 66. “I used to be listless and thanks to Doctor Mustard’s patent remedy I feel like a man of fifty again.”

Fears were initially raised by Mr Mustard’s GP who noticed that his patient’s kidneys were showing signs of extreme overload.

“He was drinking more than a bath tub’s worth of water every day to ensure consistent levels of production” warned Dr Flapjack. “It was either stop this madness or watch a man burst from the inside. I couldn’t have that on either my conscience or my surgery floor. I believe his intentions were good but somewhere along the line his desire to help mankind transformed into pissing into bottles and selling them.”

Police raided Mr Mustard’s home and found a small bottling plant, a boarded up lavatory, a fridge full of piss and, most worrying of all, boxes for a new line of chocolate puddings.

Anyone with a bottle of Mr Mustard’s Elixir is advised to seek medical attention.