Police Launch Pre-emptive Murder Investigation

The Metropolitan Police force have announced that they are launching an investigation into the brutal murder of reality TV star Ricardo. Mr Ricardo, of no fixed gender, is alive and well but a police spokesman said "It's only a matter of time".

"Basically we'll be choosing personnel, watching video tapes, putting cameras in his bathroom and taking lots of fingerprints" said Super Inspector "Trumper" Gascoigne. "When the time comes for us to look into Ms Ricardo's tragic slaying we'll know we have the best team for the job."

Does this mean Ricardo will have round the clock protection from would-be assassins?

"Good lord no - we can't go wasting public money in such a manner. A fine bunch of cash burning Charlies we'd look if we set up a team to investigate a crime and then stopped that crime from being committed. You might as well put a penny in the furnace for every man, woman and child in the United Kingdom."

Do the police have any grounds for thinking Ricardo is in danger?

"Here's a photograph" he said, handing me the above shot. I was unconvinced so he brought out a video cassette of "The Salon" and I was, frankly, ready to pull the trigger myself.

"I wouldn't if I were you" warned Gascoigne, "because there is a CCTV camera pointing at your head and I'd hate to think so much public money would have been wasted on such an open, shut and closed case."