Sports Warfare Goes Genetic

The millionaire presenter Ray Stubbs has announced he is engaged to be married to the blonde presenter Gabby "Yorath" Logan. This union between what Mr Stubbs' press release called "The two premier forerunners in the global terrestrial sports presentation panopticon" is intended to produce the ultimate in sports presentational offspring.

"There is no way that a child born of my balls and Gabby Logan's insides could fail to be the Chosen One" explained Mr Stubbs of no fixed sperm count. "This will be the golden child. This will be the one that is spoken of that will defeat the demonic Jeff Stelling."

Gabby Logan's spin doctor pointed out that underneath Mr Stubbs' exterior there lay a heart.

"He may not be the greatest catch" added the propagandist, "but he's got it where it counts. He can time his performance to the nearest second."

The Pope reacted angrily to this announcement as both Mr Stubbs and Mrs Logan are already married to other people who aren't each other.

"It's a bloody whack in the face for all I've been trying to do" he said, slapping his forehead and cursing drunkenly. "I'll have to have words with those two."

Jeff Stelling was unavailable for comment but is believed to have booked an appointment to impregnate Kirsty Gallagher should the need arise for a super child of his own.