"Nothing is ze vorld can schtop me now!" cries Stubbs

The millionaire presenter Ray Stubbs shocked viewers of Grandstand this weekend when he announced at 4.35 that he had managed to reprogram the world famous vidiprinter and turn it into a death ray. Mr Stubbs, of no fixed psyche, started  the delicate operation as soon as the final half time score had gone through and his planning showed when he completed the task in record time.

"It's a bloody miracle" said controller of BBC Sport Michael Desack. "It would've taken Sue Barker at least an hour and we'd still be waiting at Christmas for Linekarsy to get it right. If I've said it once I've said twelve times - Raymond Joaquin Stubbs is a king among men and women."

Mr Stubbs went on to say that his first and only target was the Sky Sports studio and the man he described as "Jeff Stelling the Merciless", believed to be a nickname for pundit Rodney Marsh. Unfortunately Mr Stubbs had watched Star Wars earlier in the week and insisted on demonstrating his weapon by destroying the peace loving ITV sport complex, wiping out several dozen people that we've never heard of and singeing one of Gabby Logan's favourite wigs.

"Shit" she told us exclusively.

Eventually Mr Stubbs was persuaded to put down the firing key of his ray gun when Sky Sports sent round their special Ambassador Helen Chamberlain and she promised to give Mr Stubbs a private viewing of her tattoo.

"The force is strong in this one" remarked Jeff Stelling to his hooded master. "We must not underestimate him. One day he could be even more powerful than Obi-John Motson..."