"Make badminton not war" says Stubbs

The millionaire presenter Ray Stubbs has been talking to the media about the Third Annual Raymond Stubbs Badminton Classic. The tournament, previously only open to members of Mr Stubbs’ local badminton club, invited participants from around the world.

"Basically, I’ve looked out of the window and seen what a terrible place the world is in" explained Mr Stubbs of no fixed backhand. "So I thought what would be better than to invite members of the most heinous terrorist groups and most ruthless criminal syndicates to come together in a spirit of badminton?"

Has he had much of a response?

"I have been overwhelmed by support" he said, demonstrating this with his hands, "and am quietly confident that the Triads, al-Qaeda, a Columbian heroin cartel and Australia’s most wanted man – Dick Wallaby – will be entering the competition."

Isn’t he worried about violence?

"I am. It’s a terrible thing."

I meant at his tournament.

"Oh right. No not at all – this will be a peaceful and purposeful athletic meeting. If there is one thing that terrorists, criminals, badminton players and Raymond Joaquin Stubbs have in common it’s that we’re all focused. Focused on winning – whether it be with a shuttlecock or a big bomb – and being the victor."

Has anyone else been invited?

"All the regulars from the club – Nobby, Ginger, Chalky, Mrs Nobby, Spozzy, Hubby and Welsh Gareth – will be there. And I’ve sent an olive branch in the form of an invitation to the bastards at Sky Sports in an effort to make peace with those scum sucking weasel leaches."

Have they replied?

"They’re sending a team. Jeff Stelling has a church to open that day and won’t be able to make it but a couple of their sexy wenches will be coming and we’re hoping to get one of their pundits – you know, the players that weren’t actually that good and you don’t remember them well enough to actually recognise them until their name is captioned on the screen and you say "Blimey – he’s got fat hasn’t he?""

Who will be starting the tournament as favourite?

"Me – I’m brilliant. The rest are just the dust beneath the wheels of my Renault Viagra Turbo Diesel."

Since conducting this interview, Ray Stubbs was beaten into second place by some inspired badminton from Arab fundamentalist Abdelhaleem Abu Salah. Mr Stubbs said he was beaten by "the luckier man" but added "no hard feelings, mate, even though you were jammier than a really expensive Swiss roll."