"Jeff Stelling Attacked My Testicles"

The millionaire presenter Ray Stubbs has shocked the world by accusing rival tele-sporting celebrity Jeff Stelling of attacking him with a ray gun. Mr Stubbs was interviewed by Pedigree Hamster magazine and told the whole appalling story.

"I was enjoying a quiet night at home - eating a pile of cheese sandwiches and watching a James Bond video - when suddenly I must've been knocked out by one of Stelling's henchmen. Next thing I knew I was waking up, strapped down to the Sky Soccer Saturday desk, while a strangely oriental and bowler hatted Rodney Marsh was leering at me.

"Rodjob" called Jeff Stelling, "is the laser ready?"

Rodney Marsh nodded and Jeff Stelling turned to me. He explained that he had a laser installed in the Sky Sports studio and that it would slice me in half, in association with Gillette razors - the best a man can get. I decided to be brave and challenge him.

"I suppose you want me to talk" I said bravely, challenging him with every well chosen word that came out of my publicly funded mouth.

"No Mr Stubbs, I expect you to have your nuts sliced off" he replied.

"What do you want with Lineker and Hansen?" I gasped.

"Sky Sports has already bought all the football, the cricket and the rugby - the only balls left in the BBC are yours. But not for long. Mwahahahaha".

The journalist from Pedigree Hamster was agog and asked what happened next.

"I don't know" said Stubbs. "Next thing I knew I was back on my sofa, Lineker and Hansen in their proper place. I suppose I msut've broken free, taken care of Rodjob and Stelling and run back here before the adreniline wore off and I fell asleep with my head on a cheese and bread pillow."

The hamster hack was about to ask why Ray Stubbs had given names to his testicles when news came through that the winner of the 2004 Hamsterdam Classic had been disqualified for using banned fur extensions and she had to go away and do some work.