Stubbs' Debut Novel is "Socio-Sporting Allegory"

The millionaire presenter Ray Stubbs has released his first debut novel this week. Entitled "An August Carol" it details a few hours in the life of the fictional miser Ebenezer Stelling.

"Basically" explained Mr Stubbs, of no fixed literary style, "the story concerns Ebenezer Stelling who owns all the football and won't share it with anyone else. It is the beginning of August and all the people in town are really unhappy because Ebenezer Stelling is a really mean man and hoards the top quality sporting action for himself."

What happens next as if we care?

"He is then visited by the ghost of sporting past - who is loosely modelled on Saint and Greavsie and in the book is called Saint Greavsie - who tells him how wonderful it was in the olden days when everyone could watch football on television rather than just Jeff... Ebenezer Stelling and his pet zebra, Rupert."

It sounds gripping. What next?

"Then he is visited by the ghost of sporting present - Sir Raymond Stubbs - who makes him realise that sharing the sodding football with me and my kind would be really nice and friendly. Finally the ghost of sporting future - based on the terrifying idea that David Beckham will one day become a pundit - scares him with a vision of a future where someone even richer than Ebenezer Stelling out bids him for all the good sporting action and Jeff is forced to become a nobody like Gabby Logan or Barry Whatshisname. The even-richer man tells Ebenezer Stelling that he was his role model and he learned everything from him."

Does this obviously fictional tale have a point, message or moral?

"The point, message and moral of this entirely fictional story is that one day Jeff Stelling will find that someone has got a bigger head that he has and suddenly he'll be as deflated as a balloon two weeks after Christmas. And I for one will be there to sneeze my guts out over his wretched body."

"An August Carol" is available now from all good book shops priced £16.99 (£14.99 if autographed by Mr Stubbs)