Ray Stubbs in GM Viewers Shock

The millionaire presenter Ray Stubbs shocked the gathered audience at the Terrestrial Organisation of Sports Media Presenters by detailing a complicated plan to breed genetically modified sports viewers.

"The old ways of sperm and eggs and lots of random sex just won't cut it in this high tech environment" he told the hushed throng and Gabby Logan, "because the little children are exposed to satellite television from an early age and are effectively killed off as terrestrial sporting viewers almost immediately. We need to use scientists to create a new strain of hype resistant watchers who will be happily impressed with second rate action and third rate conversation rather than the swish and flashy multimillion pound extravaganzas that are on offer from the raping locusts at Sky Television. I won't mention Jeff Stelling by name but our scientists will incorporate anti-Stelling genes into the mixture. Why? Because they can."

At this rallying cry the audience leapt to their feet and bayed like Nazis at a book barbecue.

"If we don't take this prompt action as soon as possible, the entire human crop could be lost by winter. And then where will we all be? Light entertainment doesn't want us. My stint in "Casualty" has ensured that drama doesn't want me and I'm far too popular with animals to be of any practical use to Natural History. No - my people - the only future is one that we pay someone to splice on our behalf."

A standing ovation followed but its impact was rather muted by the fact that most of the audience hadn't had time to sit down.

"If you are watching me, Stelling, today marks a new beginning for the present and although you might think that the past will go on forever, you are deeply misguided. You are looking at the future and it will come via the loins and the laboratories of Raymond Joaquin Stubbs."

Meanwhile, somewhere over London, Jeff Stelling emptied himself into a test tube and handed it to a man with a Germanic accent.

"That ought to do it" he said with a sneer. "And make sure this one can watch all eight games at once. The last one could only manage six and when I pay for eight, I expect eight."