"Not Being Able To Swim" to become a sport in 2005

The International Paralympic Committee have announced that "not being able to swim" will be considered an official disability from 1st January 2005. This means that anyone who cannot swim will be entitled to compete in the 2008 Paralympics swimming events.

“This is a major breakthrough for the aquatically challenged” said spokesmouth Jasper Flex. “We have campaigned for many years for this to be recognised as a genuine handicap.”

Britain is likely to have a strong contingent in 2008.

“We have some of the world’s best non-swimmers” enthused Nigel Twickenbush. “Gary Nood was the first man to do the 100m in under a hundred and twenty minutes. Sadly he drowned shortly after it but I’m sure he was happy to give his last breath to the sport he loved.”

Would it not simply be possible for people to learn how to swim?

“That is typical” said disabled rights activist Dorothy Aldred. “These people cannot swim – they don’t deserve to be mocked. They are just as entitled to enjoy swimming pools as those lucky enough to have learned to swim. You’re pathetic. You remind me of that sicko who used to go round telling crip… those with special physical needs that they should just get up and walk.”

You mean Jesus?

“That’s him.”

Although, to be fair, Jesus couldn’t swim either – that’s why he walked instead.