“MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT” SAYS SURVEY

A shocking new survey compiled by Dr Amanda Häagen-Dazs of De Montford College, Leicester demonstrates the difference between the male and female brain. Carried out over a period of six months and costing over one hundred thousand pounds, Dr Häagen-Dazs’s results were published yesterday in a storm of agreement.

Fifteen hundred randomly selected people were asked a series of two questions.

(1) Are you male or female?

(2) Do you stand up or sit down to urinate?

Analysis of the results show that 100% of women and only 1.7% of men sit down to urinate. Dr Häagen-Dazs explains how she extrapolated these results into her shocking theory. “It is a simple process of complex psycho-social investigation” she told our female reporter.

Her conclusion, as published in “Scientific Grrrl” magazine, is that her research proves that women’s brains are more logical, bigger, more analytical, more able to cope with stress, more creative, better at multitasking, larger at forward planning, fabulous at organising things, more tasteful, more dynamic, better at parking cars, tougher, more self reliant and better at understanding the opposite sex. The thrice divorced Dr Häagen-Dazs added that men’s brains were “purely decorative”.

Conflicting research by Dr Martin Middleton of Sainsbury’s College Cambridge which used three years worth of behavioural experiments to conclude that men and women were a lot more similar than previous studies had shown was dismissed as “sexist monkey bollocks” by Dr Häagen-Dazs. She was immediately awarded a three hundred thousand pound grant to prove that Dr Middleton was a “typical male.”