Michael Howard "I'm Proud to be a C.U.N.T."
 

The rebranding of the Conservative party got off to a slippery start yesterday when Michael "Frankie" Howard unveiled the party's new name. Seeking inspiration from the successful relaunches of Tony Blair, the Labour Party and the humble glass of water, Mr Howard wanted to stress new issues combined with good solid old fashioned reliability.

"I am proud to be a Conservative" he began, receiving a three minute standing ovation from the audience, most of whom were either old, very old or nearly dead. "I am proud to be a member of the oldest political party in this country apart from the Liberals. Namely the Conservative and Unionist Party. This party was founded over a hundred years ago and I am sure that many of you here were proud then and are still proud today. I am certainly standing proud as I address you here today."

He didn't demonstrate this.

"But we must always be aware that danger lurks in the comfortable folds of a warm and comfortable place of comfort. The present is clear and always with us but uncertainty may very well be in all of our futures. That is why we must not look always to the past but sometimes to the future." The audience clapped this politely but weren't quite sure what the "future" was and whether they could afford it on their state pension.

"What I am proposing to you - the future of this glorious party - is that the Conservative and Unionist Party of old should be reborn with a fresh broom to sweep away the old dogmas which threaten to drown us. We must be New Tories. Say it with me - New Tories, New Opportunities."

The audience hollered as they hadn't done for over sixty years or since Vera Lynne last toured.

"The future is ahead. And in that future we must be proud to say we are members of the Conservative Unionist New Tory Party."

The crowd went into standing hysterics