Crime to be Legalised from 2005
by our feared reporter Simon Hunt

Scotland Yard has sensationally announced that it's police force will no longer patrol Britain's streets from early next year.

Metropolitan Senior Chief Commissioner Sir James Blobb said that a new reform, code named "Operation Paddington", was being launched in response to what he termed "public apathy" over police directives in the past.

"Since 1829 when it was formed, the Met has attempted to make Britain a safe, pleasant place to live in," the official statement reads. "But it's become clear to us that people just aren't interested. We therefore give up. From now on, we're doing it your way."

The St John's Police have announced that their volunteers were standing by to enforce minor laws and called upon army Green Gits (a loveable nickname for military police vans) to move into place in the major cities such as London and beyond. Richard Branson has hinted that Virgin Law Enforcement could shortly become a reality.

Mick Bloke of the British Public said he was "concerned" about the move but on the other hand he was "not bothered".

The Prime Minister commented that he "wasn't altogether surprised" at the move, which follows "many years of perfectly sensible laws being laid down, only for people to do what the hell they like anyway."

The scheme will be implemented for a year, after which time the British Public will have the opportunity to vote on live TV to "keep the new way of doing things forever, or go back to good old fashioned law enforcement."