Cows "okay" For Healthy Vegetarian Diet
by our dynamic reporter Simon Hunt

A leading Doctor of Nutrition is pushing for beef to be accepted as a part of a vegetarian diet, it emerged today.

The move, condemned by anti-meat lobbies and TV Critic Garry Bushell, involves reclassifying beef as a herb, meaning vegetarians will be able to eat it safely without sacrificing their ethics. Doctor Alice Worty of New Orleans Institute for Cow Research explains:

"What we've done is rather clever. It begun when someone pointed out that the only difference between the slaughter of cows and the sleighing of, for example, an ordinary garden lettuce, is that cows are thought of as meat. From there on we sought to re-classify the animal as something else. Unfortunately they arn't green and don't have pips, so didn't qualify as vegetables, although luckily there was room for renegotiation within the herb family."

Protesters to the idea have pointed out that the main objection to the consumption of meat is the meaningless slaughter of innocent creatures, to which Dr Worty responded: "This is clearly an example of people not wanting to help themselves. We've even suggested making soya officially a meat product so they don't have to eat it anymore, which we can do with our powers, but they still aren't happy."

It remains to be decided whether the idea will become an industry standard.