Royal Arrest - Exclusive Details

Reports are coming in that Prince Charles has been arrested after a drunken brawl in a public house. Charles, 34, is alleged to have taken offence at a humorous conversation that the man was having with several friends which culminated in him urinating on a postage stamp. Charles, going under the secure name "Charlie", pushed his way over to the man and shouted "Don't you piss on my mum's face". The man turned round in shock and the final droplettes of feculence splashed on to the royal trouser. Charles then punched the urinator in a keen but fairly girlie fashion.

"That was when it all kicked off to hell" said bystander Neville Pipes. "Big Dave picked up an ottoman and smashed it over Charles's bodyguard. Luckily the Prince stepped to one side and avoided the collision. Charlie then replied by throwing some nuts at Big Dave's face and taking advantage of Dave's allergy."

Police were called at this point and stormed the scene some twenty minutes later. By this stage, Charles had forced the man to eat the micturated postage stamp and was pummelling him like a set of drunken bongos.

"This is a good boozer" said landlord Bert Ales. "We ain't never had no trouble in here. Bloody royals..."

Buckingham Palace refused to release a statement saying "We have better things to waste our time and money on than speaking to peasants. The Prince of Wales is currently surfing off the coast of Anglesey and is most definitely not languishing in a police cell. Now go away before we set the corgis on you."

However we have received an eye witness report which suggests that the Queen donned plain clothes and visited Charles in the cell that he shares with a sodomist who is awaiting sentencing on tax charges. Her Majesty, resplendent in a raincoat and her gardening crown, spent just ten minutes in the small confines of her son's cell but was heard to call him a "F**king great *s**t" who "doesn't know when he's f**king well off." She then left through the back door after signing ten pound notes for all the constables.

It is believed to be the first royal arrest since Queen Victoria vigorously denied the existence of lesbianism by setting light to two Sapphists and crying "They won't feel it because they're not real."