Surprise Cabinet Reshuffle In Headlines

The Prime Minister Tony Blair today announced a surprise Cabinet reshuffle. The move, which had been expected, contained little that had not already been predicted by journalists except the names involved and the Ministries they would be dominating.

Mr Blair kept most of the senior members of his government unchanged - Jack Straw remains at the foreign office, David Blunkett is still Home Secretary and Michael Howard continues as leader of the opposition - but amongst the new ministers are some surprising names.

Peter Purves becomes Minister for Glass, Harriet Harman is Minister With Special Responsibility for Vaginal Affairs, Clare Short is Minister for Solitude and the millionaire presenter Ray Stubbs is the new Minister for Sport. When asked how he could appoint a man with no political background, Mr Blair replied "Anyone who can contain Tony Gubba is clearly a man to be reckoned with." As Mr Stubbs is not an elected Member of Parliament, he will have to be smuggled into the House every day inside a specially constructed ministerial red box.

Mr Stubbs, of no fixed constituency, used his debut speech in the Commons to set out his plans for huge taxes on any sport not being shown on the BBC, grants to train attractive female sporting presenters and the compulsory viewing of Grandstand by everyone over the age of six, before launching into what onlookers described as a "bland tirade".

"Jeff Stelling - can you hear me? Jeff Stelling - kiss my knees you spanner" bawled Mr Stubbs, 57. Gilbert Knitting, Shadow Minister for Sport immediately called on Mr Stubbs to resign but Mr Stubbs was unable to respond as Port Vale had had a man sent off for impersonating a cheerleader and he had to urgently hand over to David Oats at Vale Park.