Tony Blair outs himself on "Terry and Gaby" Show

The rumours had flown around Westminster for years but Tony Blair's office had always unofficially denied them and officially put their fingers in their ears and refused to listen to them. But on Friday's climactic edition of the Terry and Gaby Show (also known simply as "Terry and Gaby" to save money) he addressed the rumours head on like a charging elephant and made the shocking admission.

"It's something a lot of people have been talking about but very few are brave enough to admit" he said, Gaby giggling softly in the background and Terry enjoying the smells coming from the studio's kitchen. "It is sad that in the twenty first century - a new century brought to you by New Labour let's not forget - that something like this is still an issue that needs to be an issue."

Mr Blair flimmed and flammed for another two minutes, himself becoming momentarily distracted by the aroma of simmering animal flesh, before he got to the sodding point.

"I am bipolitical" he announced. The crowd, some ten thousand waifs and strays drawn into the studio for warmth, gasped audibly. Some began to boo, others picked up their chairs and threw them towards Mr Blair.

"Wah?" stammered Roslin, her pristine mouth undergoing a sudden case of shock.

"I am bipolitical. I have strong feelings for both Tory and Labour policies. I am currently seeing Labour ideals but I won't deny that I sometimes look at a Tory policy and think 'Golly - I'd like a bit of that'. I know this may anger some of the more old fashioned members of the party who prefer their leaders to be straight left wingers but I cannot hide my politicality any longer."

"How long have you felt like this?" asked Wogan, a little trail of salaiva trickling from the corner of his mouth.

"I think deep down I've always been like this. As a child I used to dream of making Edward Heath and Harold Wilson hold hands and be very close friends. I thought it was just a phase but then I found myself regularly masturbating over my copy of Thatcher - The Downing Street Years and I knew it wasn't something I could continue to ignore.

"That must've made the pages sticky" quipped Wogan.

"It was the video cassette version" replied Blair.

"Oh" said Wogan before adding "You can go now - the chef is ready for me."