Big Brother V to be "most controversial yet" claim Channel 4

The warped masterminds behind Channel 4's abhorrent "Big Brother" programme have reacted to criticism that the last series was "drab", "dull", "dismal", "pathetic", "chronic", "abysmal" and "worse than Hiroshima" with what they call their "Top Ten" innovations for the new series. With the dozen contestants already under lock and key, they have released the list which their spokesman, Stan Kleenex, described as "TV cocaine".

1. The lavatory will be in the garden. It will have a glass bowl and no walls. A special laxative will be placed on the nearby bird table to encourage pigeons to defecate on anyone using the toilet.

2. One of the housemates will be a secret cannibal.

3. In the third week the housemates will be told that one of them has lost their parents in a car accident. They will not be told who.

4. A different chemical will be placed in the water supply each week.

5. "Wank or starve" night.

6. One of the twelve inmates will be a fresh corpse which will continue to decompose until it is voted out or wins the contest.

7. A terrorist attack will be staged during the sixth week. The terrorists will only speak Arabic as (a) the sort of people who watch Big Brother assume all terrorists are Arabs and (b) to avoid any information being passed to the detainees.

8. One of the dozen denizens of the house will be a suspected bisexual rapist.

9. A daily phone poll will determine the level of oxygen in the house.

10. Jesus will rise from the dead and visit them at an unspecified point during the ten weeks of hell on Earth.

"Get yourself ready for the biggest show on the planet" continued Mr Kleenex. "We're going to mentally and possibly physically scar eleven living people during the next ten weeks and you won't want to miss it. Plus there might be sex. Not homo-sex - that would be disgusting - but good manly sex with a woman."