Pope condemns “Biblical fanfic”

The popular Pope John Paul the Pope has issued a strongly worded Bull against the increasing amount of unauthorised fan fiction which uses characters from the Bible. The Pope, 57, said it was undermining the Church’s position as the holder of the official Biblical licenses.

“It’s a bloody disgrace” said the robed pontiff.

The internet has seen a massive growth in the amount of Biblical fanfic over the last few years. Fan fiction is literally when a fan of a TV series, book or religion decides to write their own tales and post them online for like minded sad cases to read. There are many sites devoted to telling new tales of the characters featured in the original Bible ranging from faithful parable pastiches to more extraordinary tales.

The most popular site is called “The New Adventures of Christ” and features over three thousand new Biblical stories ranging from Jesus teaming up with Sherlock Holmes to solve the baffling mystery of how a previously bare larder became full of fish sandwiches to the Son of God travelling round with a moon faced girl who suffers from “emotional problems” and needs to be taught lots of lessons.

“I admit that some of the stuff is pretty good” admitted the Pope, “but the bloody franchise is ours and we’re considering legal action to protect our intellectual property.”

The webmaster of The New Adventures of Christ, ‘Joseph Carpenter’, said that they wouldn’t bow down to pressure from the Pope (though he would be prepared to bow down in prayer if told to). “We are simply using our God given imaginations to tell new stories in the spirit of the original Biblical canon. There are many parables and miracles which are mentioned in the texts but the gospel writers always mischievously tell us that the world is not yet ready for them. Well, we think we are ready for them.”

One of the less savory areas of Biblical fanfic (and indeed fanfic in general) is “slash fiction”, a grotesque off shoot which focuses on characters having improbable sex with each other. A quick internet search reveals such monstrous couplings as Jesus and Mr Spock, Mary and Doctor Frankenstein, Judas and Peter Stringfellow and an orgy scene which even includes the donkey ridden into Jeruselem.

“Slash fic is nasty stuff” admitted Joseph Carpenter, “and we would never have anything like that on our site. Unless it was lesbians – they’re fantastic.”

Shortly before we came to press it was announced that The New Adventures of Christ website would be closing down with immediate effect after JK Rowling’s lawyers sued them for ten billion dollars for publishing “Harry Potter and the Good Friday Crucifixion”. Joseph Carpenter was unavailable for comment.

“About bloody time” quipped the Pope.