Escalator to be Installed at Beachy Head

Popular holiday destination for the suicidal Beachy Head is to have an escalator installed at the suggestion of the local council. The mechanical staircase will give  those considering throwing themselves off the cliff top and putting an end to their worthless and miserable lives a chance to enjoy the view as they descend. To the right is a mock up of how the escalator would look if it was there now which it isn't.

"Obviously it's slower than jumping off the cliff and we hope it will give them time to reconsider spoiling our coastline with their ugly and smashed corpses" said Councillor George Vest. "For too long these mental heads have been coming here and finding nothing better to do than crush their bodies on our beautiful rocks. This escalator is intended to take the place of that messy final fall."

We spoke to Trevor Neville of the British Union of Suicidal People about whether an escalator ride was likely to be an attractive alternative for his members.

"Personally I think that anyone who would substitute the end of their life for what amounts to little more than a joy ride isn't really serious about the business of killing themselves. I for one won't tolerate people like that. I'd wring their bloody necks."

We asked Councillor Vest whether the massive metallic stair way would in any way spoil the view for happy tourists.

"That is a small concern to us but we're hoping to paint it a jolly colour so it blends in with the other wonders of nature that we have on offer. We might even have a competition to encourage school children to come up with designs to promote tourism and discourage taking your own life. In that order."

One suicidal man that we found standing on the edge of the cliff said he would probably have enjoyed the ride but, since it hadn't been built yet, he'd have to jump off anyway. Having seen the mess he made of the beach below, I'm all in favour of Councillor Vest's plan. Nothing puts a holiday maker off their ice creams and funny hats more than the sight of crushed bones poking through tattered skin.