Council Bans Classics

Coventry Borough council has run into the eye of a minefield today after an interview with their head of schools made it clear that certain works of classic literature will no longer be welcome in Coventry's classrooms.

"Take Lord of the Rings" said Clint Essenem of Coventry's Education Team. "It is a grossly sexist book as you can see from the title. I also suspect homophobic undertones. Sherlock Holmes mocks those who do not possess superior intelligence, all books about the Second World War are racist because they portray our German friends as enemies."

But weren't the Germans the enemy?

"That is a very racist view of history - we were just as much at fault as they were for the fighting that resulted. The apportioning of blame is not something I want my children to learn about."

What else has been banned?

"Harry Potter is clearly a treatise about the benefits of private education. The local community school is not good enough for him so he is packed off to boarding school. This is not a good message and these nasty books will not be on Coventry's shelves."

Anything else?

"The Chronicles of Narnia are offensive to anyone who isn't a Christian or who might suffer an allergy to animals, A Christmas Carol is unfair on people who don't feel comfortable celebrating in the normal, commercial manner, Catch-22 is plainly insulting to people whose hand-eye coordination is not at a level that society would blindly consider "normal", Great Expectations sets unreal goals before we even reach the first page and we cannot breed a generation which expects great things to happen all the time."

Any more?

"To Kill a Mockingbird implies murdering wildlife, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is sending a bad message to children about going off with strangers and Winnie the Pooh is cruel to obese children."

What can they read then?

"I think they should read good wholesome things like I used to."

Such as?

"'Ten Little Niggers' by Agatha Christie was one of my favourites."