A Question of Loyalty

6th April 1981

The Department is fighting a "ruthless war on waste" as described by the Minister in a speech in Washington. But when a Parliamentary committee invites him to explain this "ruthless war" he is understandably a little nervous. Then, when one of the members produces a book written by a former member of the DAA which exposes the sham of this "war" it is time for some real team work. Jim and Sir Humphrey must work together to save the Department’s reputation. If only they knew who had leaked the book to the committee in the first place…

Sir Humphrey: I bet the first thing [the Minister] says when he gets in the office is "Are there any press cutting of my Washington speech?"
Bernard Woolly: How much do you bet?
Sir Humphrey: A pound.
Bernard Woolly: Done. He won’t because he’s already asked– in the car on the way back from Heathrow.

Sir Humphrey: "He that would keep a secret must keep it secret that he hath a secret to keep."
Jim Hacker: Who said that?
Bernard Woolly: It was Sir Humphrey.

Jim Hacker: Why is it that Ministers can never go anywhere without their briefs?
Bernard Woolly: It’s in case they get caught with their trousers down.

Jim Hacker: But if these revelations are true…
Sir Humphrey: Exactly – "if" – you could for instance have discussed the nature of truth.
Jim Hacker: The Select Committee couldn’t be less interested in the nature of truth – they’re all MPs.

Sir Humphrey: What did you think of the Minister’s Washington speech? (Sir Humphrey quotes from the speech)
Bernard Woolly: Is it true? Can we prove it?
Sir Humphrey: Bernard, a good speech isn’t one where we can prove the Minister is telling the truth – it is one where no one else can prove he’s lying.

Bernard Woolly: I wonder if it might’ve been a bit… boring... for the audience?
Sir Humphrey: Of course it was boring. Bored the pants off them. Ghastly to have to sit through it I should think.
Bernard Woolly: Then why…?
Sir Humphrey: Ministers’ speeches aren’t written for the audience he’s speaking to.
Bernard Woolly: No?
Sir Humphrey: A speech is just the formality one has to go through in order to get the press release into the papers. We can’t worry about entertaining people. We aren’t script writers for a comedian. Well, not a professional one anyway.

Sir Humphrey: When things go wrong, a Minister’s first instinct is to rat on his department. So we write him a speech that makes him nail his trousers to the mast.
Bernard Woolly: You mean nail his colours to the mast.
Sir Humphrey: No – nail his trousers to the mast. Then he can’t climb down.

Sir Humphrey: I do urge you to master this brief.
Jim Hacker: Another brief? I’ve only just mastered one on the plane coming home.
Sir Humphrey: What was in it?
Jim Hacker: Ah… I can’t quite remember. Well it’s so hard to concentrate on planes – they keep trying to serve you drinks and show you movies and wake you up.
Sir Humphrey: Yes, I should think it’s frightfully difficult to concentrate if you keep being woken up.

Sir Humphrey: You could’ve said it was a security matter.
Jim Hacker: How can HB pencils be a security matter?
Sir Humphrey: It depends what you write with them.

Jim Hacker: A tiny mistake? £75,000? Give me an example of a big mistake!
Sir Humphrey: Letting people find out about it.

Betty Oldham: The Minister advises us to ask you.
Sir Humphrey: And I’m advising you to ask the Minister.
Committee Member: When does this end?
Sir Humphrey: As soon as you like.

Jim Hacker: (holding his letter from the PM) Its hand written! Do you realise how much this is worth?
Sir Humphrey: I believe the going rate is thirty pieces of silver.

Sir Mark Spenser: Do you know what the Civil Service is saying about you?
Jim Hacker: No.
Sir Mark Spenser: That you’re a pleasure to work with.
Jim Hacker: Oh! (pause) Oh…
Sir Mark Spenser: That’s what Barbara Woodhouse says about her prize winning spaniels.
Jim Hacker: Ah.
Sir Mark Spenser: I’ve even heard Sir Humphrey Appleby say you’re worth your weight in gold.
Jim Hacker: I’ve failed. Utterly.

Jim Hacker: What should I do?
Civil Servant: Stall.
Jim Hacker: Stall? What do you mean, stall?
Bernard Woolly: ‘Stall’ meaning avoiding answer, Minister.

Sir Humphrey: Yes – I do see that there is a real dilemma here in that while it has been government policy to regard policy as the responsibility of ministers and administration as the responsibility of officials, questions of administrative policy can cause confusion between the policy of administration and the administration of policy especially when the responsibility for the policy of administration of the policy of administration conflicts or overlaps with the responsibility of the policy of administration of policy.

Sir Humphrey: How have you enjoyed having your Minister out of the office for a week?
Bernard Woolly: Not very much – it makes things very difficult.
Sir Humphrey: Oh Bernard! A minister’s absence is a godsend. We can do the job properly for once. No silly questions, no bright ideas, no fussing about what the papers are saying.

(on why there are so many summits and conferences)

Sir Humphrey: That’s the only way the country works. Concentrate all the power at Number 10 and send the PM away. EEC summits, Nato summits, Commonwealth summits – anywhere. Then the Cabinet Secretary can get on with running the country properly.

Sir Humphrey: It is carefully presented to give the Department’s position.
Jim Hacker: Is it absolutely accurate?
Sir Humphrey: It is carefully presented to give the Department’s position.
Jim Hacker: You said yourself how important these committees are – I can’t be seen to mislead them.
Sir Humphrey: You will not be seen to mislead them.
Jim Hacker: Is it the truth?
Sir Humphrey: The truth and nothing but the truth.
Jim Hacker: And the whole truth.
Sir Humphrey: Of course not!

Sir Humphrey: We must choose one of the five standard excuses to deal with each of their allegations.
Jim Hacker: Five standard excuses?
Sir Humphrey: First, the excuse we used in the Anthony Blunt case – there is a perfectly satisfactory explanation for everything but security forbids its disclosure. Second, the excuse we used for comprehensive schools – it only went wrong because of heavy cuts in staff and budget which stretched supervisory resources beyond their limits.
Jim Hacker: But that’s not true is it?
Sir Humphrey: No but it’s a good excuse. Then there’s the excuse we used for Concorde – it was a worthwhile experiment, now abandoned, but not before it provided much valuable data and considerable employment.
Jim Hacker: But that IS true isn’t it? (pause) Oh no, of course it isn’t.
Sir Humphrey: Four, there is the excuse we used for the Munich agreement – it occurred before certain important facts were known and couldn’t happen again.
Jim Hacker: What important facts?
Sir Humphrey: That Hitler wanted to conquer Europe.
Jim Hacker: I thought everyone knew that!
Sir Humphrey: Not the Foreign Office. Five, there is the Charge of the Light Brigade excuse – it was an unfortunate lapse by an individual which has now been dealt with under internal disciplinary procedures.
Jim Hacker: And that covers everything?
Sir Humphrey: Just about everything so far.
Jim Hacker: Even wars?
Sir Humphrey: Well, small wars yes.

Sir Humphrey: You do realise the important of tomorrow’s select committee hearing don’t you?
Jim Hacker: Of course. The press will be there!

Sir Humphrey: You’re normally so good at blurring the issue.
Jim Hacker: What?
Sir Humphrey: You have a considerable talent for making things unintelligible.
Jim Hacker: I beg your pardon?
Sir Humphrey: I mean it as a compliment, Minister. Blurring the issue is one of the basic Ministerial skills.
Jim Hacker: What are the others?
Sir Humphrey: Delaying decisions, dodging questions, juggling figures, bending facts and concealing errors!

Sir Mark: There is only one course open to you. Absolute loyalty.
Jim Hacker: (pauses) Who to?

The final episode of the second series sees Jim scoring a big victory for his career. The plotting of the episode is quite superb – we are just as surprised as Jim when Sir Mark Spenser reveals that he wants Jim to turn on the Civil Service and that it was Number 10 who leaked the book to the Select Committee. This isn’t an episode where you can see the twist coming. But of course, once we see the other side, it becomes obvious what Jim should do. The Select Committee scenes are a bit repetitive – as they have to be as the same allegations are presented again and again – but this is made up for with some superb Sir Humphrey dialogue. His five standard excuses scene is one of the best pieces of writing in the series.

Of course, Jim didn’t fix it himself – he had to be lead (like a spaniel) by Number 10. He’s still a victim of other peoples games but at least he’s now important enough to be a pawn of both Number 10 and the Civil Service. And, equally important, he seems to be more adept at knowing when he’s being used. His line "I supported you in the same way you have always supported me" shows Sir Humphrey that he’s not quite the naïve little politician he was when first he arrived at the Department.

"How much do you bet?"
"A pound"
"Done"

Bernard pays his debts

"Very droll, Bernard"

The Select Committee

Betty Oldham and the smoking gun

Stall? What do you mean stall?

"I've failed... utterly"

Hacker goes along with Sir Humphrey's plan...

...but not for long.