The Writing on the Wall

24^th March 1980

Daniel Hughes was renamed Donald Hughes for the radio adaptation.

Jim Hacker has taken his fight to slim down the Civil Service to the Cabinet, bypassing Sir Humphrey and his minions. When he gives evidence to an influential policy review committee that the number of Government departments be reduced he wasn’t actually suggesting they abolish the DAA…

Bernard: "What about a publicity campaign? ‘Administration saves the nation’ or ‘Red tape is fun!’"
Jim Hacker: "Red tape is fun??"
Bernard: "What about ‘Red tape holds the nation together’?"

Sir Humphrey: "This is getting urgent, Minister."
Jim Hacker: "Urgent? What a lot of new words you’re learning, Humphrey!"

Sir Humphrey: "Sometimes one is forced to consider the possibility that things are being conducted in a way which is perhaps not entirely straightforward."
Jim Hacker: "Well, you’re the expert on straightforwardness!"

Sir Humphrey: "I really do think we need to work together on this one."
Jim Hacker: "Your idea of us working together is you telling me what to do and me doing it."

Sir Humphrey: "With respect, Minister…"
Jim Hacker: "Don’t use that filthy language to me, Humphrey. I know what ‘with respect’ means in your jargon. It means you're about to suggest anything I suggest is beneath contempt."

Frank: "Don’t be so paranoid, Jim."
Jim Hacker: "You’d be paranoid if everyone was plotting against you!"

"I think this Europass issue is the biggest disaster for the government since I was asked to join the cabinet."

"As President Nixon’s henchmen used to say, ‘When you’ve got ‘em by the balls their hearts and minds will follow’."

"I wouldn’t call Civil Service delays ‘tactics’ – that would be to mistake lethargy for strategy."

"If you must do this damn silly thing don’t do it in this damn silly way."

"Minister, Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least the last 500 years: to create a disunited Europe. In that cause we have fought with the Dutch against the Spanish, with the Germans against the French, with the French and Italians against the Germans, and with the French against the Germans and Italians. Divide and rule, you see. Why should we change now when it's worked so well?"

Frank: "Won’t the other EEC countries object to carry identity papers too?"
Sir Humphrey: "No – the Germans will love it, the French will ignore it and the Italians and the Irish will be too chaotic to enforce it. Only the British will resent it."

Foreign Secretary: "The Napoleon Prize is a NATO award for the statesman who has made the biggest contribution to European unity."
Sir Humphrey: "Since Napoleon. That is if you don’t count Hitler."

Daniel Hughes: "You know the PM’s motto – in defeat, malice; in victory, revenge"

Jim Hacker: "You’ve redrafted this three times already"
Bernard: "That’s not absolutely true, Minister."
Jim Hacker: "Yes it is – I can count – this is the third draft."
Bernard: "Quite so, Minister, it’s been drafted once and subsequently redrafted twice."

Foreign Secretary: "The PM won’t want to rock the boat till it’s in the bag."
Bernard: "You don’t put boats in bags"

Jim Hacker: "Each time they’ve sent back a totally unintelligible report which says the exact opposite of what I wanted it to say."
Sir Humphrey: "With respect, how do you know what it says if it is totally unintelligible?"

Sir Humphrey: "We’ll be happy to redraft it a third time."
Jim Hacker: "And a fourth and a fifth and a sixth, no doubt. But it still won’t say what I want it to say – it’ll say what you want it to say and I want it to say what I want it to say."
Bernard: "What do you want it to say?"
Sir Humphrey: "We want it to say what you want it to say."
Bernard: "I’m sure the Department doesn’t want you to say something you don’t want to say."

Jim Hacker: "When you give your evidence to the Think Tank, are you going to support my view that the Civil Service is over manned and feather-bedded, or not? Yes or no? Straight answer."
Sir Humphrey: "Well Minister, if you ask me for a straight answer, then I shall say that, as far as we can see, looking at it by and large, taking one thing with another in terms of the average of departments, then in the final analysis it is probably true to say, that at the end of the day, in general terms, you would probably find that, not to put too fine a point on it, there probably wasn't very much in it one way or the other. As far as one can see, at this stage."
Jim Hacker: "Is that Yes or No?"
Sir Humphrey: "Yes and no."
Jim Hacker: "Supposed you weren’t asked for a straight answer?"
Sir Humphrey: "Then I should play for time, Minister."

Suggesting the PM cut back the number of government departments was a fairly foolish suggestion for the head of such a minor Ministry to make

Bernard: "Sir Humphrey? Can I ask you a purely hypothetical question?"
Sir Humphrey: "That’s always a good idea, Bernard."

Jim Hacker is widely known as pro-Europe.

Jim ran the campaign of a rival to the current PM for the leadership of the party at some point while (presumably) they were in opposition.

Very little evidence in this episode but the PM’s senior adviser seems rather posh to be part of Old Labour.

Humphrey 0-1 Hacker (an injury time winner for Hacker in a game where both sides looked set to lose)

Winner – Jim, though Humphrey also wins thanks to Hacker’s late inspiration

It's a turning point for the series as the original running storyline of Jim attempting widespread cuts in the size of the Civil Service is dropped once he is made to realise that he's almost certainly going to fail but even if he does succeed he's likely to end up out of a job because of it. Jim has clearly learned a lot in his short time in office as he ends up playing the political game superbly to beat the PM's obnoxious adviser. We also see the emergence of Bernard's pedantic streak as he corrects the twisted sentences of his lords and masters (often under his breath). One of the very best of the first series.