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We open this – the third story in the Tomorrow People canon – with some very low quality stock film footage of natural disasters. The TPs are sat around in the lab watching this carnage unfold. They had to make their own entertainment in the 1970s. These days we sit around and watch low quality camera phone footage of natural disasters. We’re so advanced.
John is already appalled.
Carol is appalled.
Stephen is appalled.
Kenny doesn’t get a close up as his face is incapable of displaying emotion.
TIM says the rate of disasters is increasing and the world is in peril. They have, perhaps, a week before the situation passes breaking point. Carol squeals that they have to do something. "Whatever it is – it has to be soon" says John. That’s why he’s in charge – he knows how to put the rubber stamp on a pre-titles sequence.
Meanwhile, in sunny Somewhere on Sea, Ginge and Lefty have arrived on their motorbikes for some roaring fun.
The TPs aren’t having anywhere near as much fun – they’re at the extremes of the Earth taking readings on their machine gadget devices. The key to any world saving is data. That’s this week’s lesson in how to be a Tomorrow Person – data.
But while Carol – for it was she – was suffering the cold of the arctic, Stephen is sitting on the edge of a volcano. And for what? To prove it is hot.
Ginge and Lefty are playing on the firing range while these two suspicious coves eye them suspiciously. And covishly if that’s a word. Which it isn’t.
The chap in the hat radios to someone or something called Spidron. Spidron says everything is ready.
So the bird in the miniskirt goes over to lure Ginge into what we have to assume is a trap. I wonder if he’ll need much persuading?
I doubt it.
Back in the lab, TIM, Stephen and Kenny have a quick chat about football (I’m not joking) before TIM decides to explain to them – and us – what neutrinos are. This really was a show with something for everyone.
Back at Somewhere on Sea, Ginge is basically luring himself into a trap by now. He’s all but begging to be sacrificed to whatever evil alien menace the bird in the miniskirt works for.
In the lab, Stephen and Kenny are playing a made up game and TIM – who knows everything – tells them Ginge and Lefty have gone to Clacton on Sea. I was nearly right – I got the sea part right.
The luring is taking ages and even the editor is bored by now so he throws in some random film footage of the Earth, weather maps and similar bits and bobs lying round in a Thames Television cupboard.
John has paperwork. He gives it out and tells the boys that it is proven – in writing – that the rate of natural disasters has increased. So why did he bother giving them the paperwork if he was going to tell them what it said? It isn't as if they wouldn’t believe him – he is the tallest and he has the best hair. He’s obviously a man to be reckoned with.
Oh cock – TIM brings word of yet another cyclone forming in the atmosphere. He shows them. Yup – that’s a cyclone in the atmosphere. It looks pretty well formed to me.
Speaking of well formed, the luring is still going on down in Clacton on Sea. This is exactly the sort of eight minute storyline that would be dropped from a modern series. She’d throw him a wry smile, he’d give her a lusty glance and the trap would be sprung before the overdone music had even got into second gear.
Their flirting – primitive as it is – is being watched. Could this be the mysterious Spidron? Or is there another sinister hand at play in sunny Clacton on Sea?
Good lord – it’s Kevin Stoney.
Ginge and the girl – Joy – go on a ride. It is a weird ride – full of wacky coloured eyes and strange noises. I imagine it was sort of like fun but not actually fun.
Arghhh. Sorry. It caught me by surprise.
Apparently it’s not a ride – just a sort of surreal hall of mirrors where people run round and shout at each other. Ginge sees Joy disappearing in the multicoloured distance. His chances of a shag are lessening with every passing piped in laugh.
It gets worse – the sinister fair ground man tells Lefty that the hall of mirrors thing is now closed. So it is that sort of trap – the sort they want people to fall into one at a time.
Joy lures Ginge to a particular spot and then presses a button. This can’t end well.
Ginge begins to suspect that something is amiss. Some say awry.
He is appalled.
He falls away into the darkness. Sucks to be Ginge.
Meanwhile, up top, Kevin Stoney puts Ginge’s face into his notebook using only his thumb.
Joy emerges – alone – and signals to her disreputable chum that all is well and they can start the whole luring business again.
She goes over to Lefty and basically tells him to bugger off. Two’s company – she says – and three’s a crowd. Pity the Lefty.
Back in the lab, TIM brings news that the continental plates have moved by 25 centimetres in the last few days. That’s massive. But probably not massive enough for British Airways to cut their fares. Satire.
Carols wants to warn the saps about the upcoming disaster. John says they can’t – they’d have to reveal themselves as Tomorrow People and... well it gives him a chance to do his "they’d use us as weapons or treat us like freaks" speech.
Ginge is waking up in his new home. Suited and booted men have come to drag him away. But where to? What’s this all about? Who is the Spidron?
We may be about to find out. The guards have guns but also have orders from the Spidron himself to bring Ginge to the "processing area".
Hey – wait – upstairs, Kevin Stoney jaunts away. Can he be some kind of Tomorrow Person too?
Hoorah – Ginge makes a daring bid for freedom. He’s fed up with being taken up and down corridors. I suppose the question is why they built the entrance to this base thing so far from the processing area. Poor planning.
The roof caves in. An earth tremor which apparently has been detected in the lab. TIM says the epicentre of the quake was Clacton on Sea. Where Ginge and Lefty went. Hmm.
It’s not looking good from a tourism perspective – Clacton is being battered by the worst storm since... well, last summer probably. More satire.
Ginge is fine – good – but cross. He’s angrily dusting himself off for ages when...
...a weird alien hand emerges from the rubble. With Christmas tree decorations on the ends of its fingers.
Ginge is mown down by some kind of alien gun but never mind – let’s cut immediately to a scene where Lefty walks over to his motorbike, puts his helmet on, starts the engine and rides off. It’s a little instruction manual in how to approach, operate and enjoy the humble motor bicycle. It’s also dull as crap.
And yet, you know who just can’t keep his beady eyes off it. Maybe Kevin Stoney wants to know how to look as if you’re riding a motorbike for the first time.
Ginge is thrown into some kind of... erm... throne room. There is a primitive special effect hiding the Spidron from view.
Ginge is appalled.
A special effect ruins his day.
And that’s your lot – Ginge being menaces by a bit of electronic trickery as the Spidron keeps telling him he WILL approach is the cliff-hanger. The Tomorrow People have done bugger all this week. Let’s hope they get their superior arses in gear next time and save the poor saps from the Spidron of doom and his miniskirted sidekick.
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The
Tomorrow People
