I haven’t visited this column in a long time – indeed, real life™ has kept me from most of my online pursuits – but recently had a nostalgic kick for the antics of the Tracy brothers, having watched a few of my favourite episodes to clear my mind of the awful films they did back in the 60s. So I decided to sit down and finally relate to you the exploits of Lady Penelope, Parker, dodgy waiters and exploding glasses of Pernod. However, I’ve abandoned the framework I used for the first two episode entries with all the subheadings and that sort of business. Though the Captain Scarlet articles worked well, episodes of Thunderbirds – being double the length – don’t lend themselves easily to exhaustive scrutiny for facts, figures and funny lines of dialogue. I felt my entries for episodes 1 and 2 were just too sprawling and difficult to read, so I’ve gone for the narrative approach that Lady Levesque and Zillak have used to great effect in some of their columns. For a start, it keeps things in a better order, it’s easier to get into and it’s more fun to write if nothing else. Woo!

So, with that disclaimer out of the way – and hoping you checked the trailer at the end of the Pit of Peril article – here we go.

We start off with a big rocket, called Sun Probe.

It looks jolly impressive and a bowtie-wearing chappy tells the viewers at home that excitement is mounting before the Sun Probe’s launch. You don’t need to worry about it, though, as the rocket is pretty much irrelevant to the episode (though has its own episode sometime down the line). Lots of scientists flick switches, peer at reels of spinning tape and check their thrusts. One presses a doorbell.

The Thrust Ignition is pressed, and then we get a close up of the Thrust Indicator, which tells us of a Million Pound Thrust, perhaps the most expensive thrust in history.

The scientist actually tells us that it’s a 17 Million Pound Thrust. That’s a lot of thrust. Thrust thrust thrust.

Right, I’ve got it all out of my system. I hope you have too.

The reporter tells us that the Sun Probe is being launched with a fantastic new secret fuel. Meanwhile, some respectable suit-wearing types are watching from a hidden room.

"Rocket fuel from water!" one, Sir Jeremy Hodge, exclaims to the other, "It hardly seems possible, Borinder!" Borinder in turn takes great pains to explain that Sir Jeremy had as much to do with discovery as he did. Sounds to me like he’s trying to shirk the blame already. He strikes me as a bit shifty.

We switch back to the reporter, who states: "Sun Probe – so named because its enormous power will enable it to fly into the sun on full power." I’d have thought it’s called Sun Probe because it’s going to probe the Sun, but then I don’t have a natty bowtie of scientific excellence. The countdown starts and Sun Probe lifts off. Hurrah! It’s a success! And apparently it’s occurred two days before some sort of conference in Paris. You can bet that that’s going to be important.

Later, Lady Penelope and Parker are driving down some dark country roads in FAB1 on their way to Paris (ah ha!).

Penny’s going to meet Sir Jeremy. "Isn’t he the scientific gentleman who helped to form our organisation?" asks Parker. Blimey, International Rescue can’t be that secret if even the chauffeur knows all about it. Apparently Sir Jeremy helped Brains get the components for the Thunderbird machines. So now we know that Brains didn’t build Tracy Island and the Thunderbirds on his own. That would’ve been silly. He was in fact assisted by an old bloke in a suit.

Penelope meets Sir Jeremy at a Parisian café.

"It’s dashed decent of you to come all this way to visit an old friend!" says Sir Jeremy, proving his credentials as being a Frightfully Nice Upper Class Type. He orders some drinks from a beaky looking waiter, who wanders by a table at which is sat a not entirely inconspicuous bloke gazing at our heroes over a newspaper.

Sir Jeremy tells Penelope that two days after the Parisian conference, Professor Borinder boarded a train to Anderbad but when it reached its destination Borinder had disappeared. The waiter comes back with the drinks and the guy with the blue shades starts shaking his newspaper in anticipation. However, before Penelope can sip her Pernod, Parker shoots it from the FAB1.

"Jingo!" cries Sir Jeremy. "Beg your pardon, m’lady," says Parker, "But the drink was drugged." It’s fabulously cool moments like that that make me proud to love this show. The villainous bloke at the nearby table gets up and jogs away rather sharpish, followed by Sir Jeremy in tepid pursuit. "I am so sorry, Madame!" exclaims the waiter, "I had no idea! The gentleman asked me for a light and he must have put something in your glass when my eyes were blinded by the flame!" Great story, pal. How many times have you used that excuse? Penelope, being the calm customer that she is, is only worried about her drink being spoilt. Sir Jeremy and Parker return, the latter holding a big handgun that I’d expect would probably cause quite a panic were there any bystanders around, and Penelope spots a matchbox with a distinctive crest sitting on the assassin’s table. They decide to investigate the crest at an archive in the morning, spending the rest of the evening in the car discussing Borinder’s abduction and the experiments that turned sea water into fuel. "In the wrong hands this process could contaminate the waters of the world!" Not only that but it could "Upset the balance og power and cause a world war!" Gosh. Penelope holds her cigarette aloft and says that International Rescue can probably sort things out.

Penelope chats to the Tracy clan via her portrait, telling them that she and Sir Jeremy are going to take the train to Anderbad and investigate things. "We’ll be playing it pretty cool," she says. "I bet you will…" replies Alan in a pervy voice. I have no idea what he’s on about and I suspect I don’t want to know. Jeff says that he’ll send Thunderbird 2 to help when the time is right. We then discover that Penelope is in her hotel room wearing a nightie. Parker enters. "Will there by anything else, m’lady?" he asks in a hopeful tone, but Penelope just congratulates him on his shooting earlier on and bids him goodnight. Parker slinks away, disappointed.

Virgil flips over a wall chart.

Jeff chats about the upcoming rescue to Tin Tin, who is fiddling about with some twigs and a rubbish looking flower assortment.

Virgil then falls into Thunderbird 2 and carries out the launch procedure. As usual, this goes on for a while. Thunderbird launch procedures always padded out the running time a bit when they had nothing else to show us. Alan and Gordon are also present, which means that this’ll be their first rescue! Hurrah! Of course, I’m doing these episodes by original broadcast order – the R1 DVDs and most TV repeats show them in a completely different order. But there we are. I’m a purist.

Whilst Thunderbird 2 takes off, the FAB1 is parked outside the archive.

Inside, Penelope and Sir Jeremy are talking to a man about the crest on the matchbox. However, what they don’t know is that this is the same man who tried to kill Penelope at the café! You can’t blame them for not recognising them, though. After all, he’s wearing a fantastic disguise.

Sigh.

He directs them both downstairs to look at the archive books so that they can find the crest. They quickly find the right book but discover that the relevant page has been torn out! The door slams behind them and gas starts pumping into the room. It’s a trap! "By Jove!" cries Sir Jeremy. He starts banging on the door and ordering the chap to let them out, as all upper class types do when they’re angry. "I say, open this door at once! We’re British!" I love the man. The evil bloke makes a run for it and Parker takes it upon himself to rescue Penelope and Sir Jeremy from the gas filled room by shooting clamps from the rear of FAB1 onto the door and pulling it from its hinges, releasing them. Of course, he could have just shot the lock off, but that wouldn’t have been as interesting. Penelope and Sir Jeremy are relieved.

Not daunted by yet another assassination attempt, Penelope decides they should press on to the train for Anderbad. Of course, it’s a futuristic monorail type thingy that has "We’re riding on a train!" type action music.

Inside, Penelope and Sir Jeremy argue with an attendant who sounds exactly like Alan Tracy. "I have no Professor Borinder on this train!" he says. Sir Jeremy begins to doubt himself but Penelope gives him a pep talk. It also occurs to me that Penelope has been wearing that pink ensemble for two days now and that it might be getting a bit smelly. Then again, a woman as refined as Lady Penelope probably doesn’t sweat at all.

Meanwhile, the attendant is reporting back to the villain, who we learn is called Dr Godber. The doctor vows that Penelope and Sir Jeremy will be sorry that they ever set foot on the train. "I am setting a trap that not even the lovely Lady Penelope can escape from!" Gasp! Dramatic music and a fade to black tells us that this is a cliffhanger advertisement break.

When we resume action, Thunderbird 2 is flying on its way to Anderbad carrying Virgil, Gordon and an oddly troubled Alan.

Teenagers, eh?

Jeff gives them instructions whilst standing next to a gigantic original Nintendo Game Boy.

Back on the train, Penelope and Sir Jeremy are having coffee. Underneath Penelope’s cup is a message telling them that they are "Dealing with desperate men." That either means that they’ll stop at nothing or that they’ll shag anybody. Perhaps both. Penelope had better keep on her guard. So should the attendant but he gets knocked out by Dr Godber whilst playing cards.

Then he gets thrown off the train!

Parker is driving about the mountains in FAB1 and, after a goodnight chat with Penelope over a communication screen ("I must admit I miss my usual cup of cocoa." "I did anticipate that, m’lady, so I slipped a hot flask of your favourite brand in the foot of your hatbox." "Thank you, Parker."), there follows a long sequence where the attendant attempts to stumble out to the nearby road in the hope of finding somebody who can aid him in warning the train – that somebody could indeed be Parker, who’s travelling along that very road. However, the attendant falls short of the road and collapses. End of plot thread. As a bit of false tension it doesn’t really work and the attendant is never seen again, presumably left to bleed to death by the side of the road.

At Tracy Island, Scott lands in Thunderbird 1. Apparently he’s been out on holiday in it (!) and his return prompts some dramatic music and an advert cliffhanger.

After the break, Jeff informs Scott – and us – of what’s going on. The forces of International Rescue are converging on the Anderbad station via three directions – the Tracy boys in Thunderbird 2, Parker in FAB1 and Penelope on the train itself. Scott remarks that he wished he could have been involved. Jeff replies that "Gordon needed a change from underwater rescues," though he could have said, "Gordon actually needed to go out on a rescue for once," considering we’ve barely seen the poor lad yet. Virgil radios in to say that Thunderbird 2 is still on course and that Parker will arrive shortly afterwards. Jeff ruminates that nothing much will probably happen until then. Idiot.

On the train, Penelope is having a kip. She is alerted to somebody hanging around outside her room and grabs her gun, before having a quick shufty.

Upon investigating the situation, she spots a different attendant skipping off down the corridor and awakes Sir Jeremy, who’s wearing sensible blue pyjamas and a stylish dressing gown. They go down the corridor and come to the luggage room, where they find the suspicious attendant checking their bags. But the attendant is none other than Dr Godber wearing yet another cunning disguise – he’s taken his shades off.

Naturally enough, they don’t clock the fact that they’ve met this fellow before. However, deciding that he’s a bit shifty anyway they contact Parker who tells them that, yes, that man is indeed the bloke he saw running away from the archive earlier on. Why Parker can recognise him when he saw him for a few seconds running in the opposite direction whilst Penelope and Sir Jeremy are clueless after having had several face-to-face conversations with him I don’t know. Must be a social class thing.

Next day, Thunderbird 2 lands on a plateau in the Anderbad mountains, near the Anderbad train tunnel, where Parker rendezvous’ with them before heading on over to the station. Meanwhile, the train has entered the tunnel and suffers a power cut. When the lights come on again, Penelope and Sir Jeremy face Godber, who reveals his true colours when he menaces them with a gun. In Thunderbird 2, Alan gets anxious at the fact that the train hasn’t left the tunnel, prompting Gordon to utter his catchphrase: "Ahhh, relax, will ya’?" He is quite chirpy.

However, Parker phones them to say that the train’s stuck in the tunnel. Gordon is now concerned.

The train emerges from the tunnel and Parker confirms that Penelope and Sir Jeremy are not on it. Jeff tells Virgil he’d better go find them. Cue dramatic music as Thunderbird 2 raises itself and Virgil and Gordon leave in a pod vehicle called the Monobrake, driving off into the third advert break.

We resume action in a secret lair inside the tunnel.

Penelope and Sir Jeremy chat to Dr Godber and a weasel faced henchman, who henceforth shall be known as Weasel Man. From this HQ Godber controls the power of the track and can switch it on and off as he chooses. We also learn that the attendant who got thrown off the train earlier was called Alvin. So, er, there we are. A name isn’t much good to him now that he’s probably bled to death but at least we can properly remember him. In a not-so-stunning twist, Weasel Man opens a door and reveals the captured Professor Borinder!

Dr Godber finally introduces himself and informs everybody that he intends to steal the formula that turns sea water to fuel, a scheme that we’d all worked out half hour ago.

The Monobrake enters the tunnel. Of all the pod vehicles it’s one of the least interesting; the only special feature seems to be the fact that it’s quite low, though since Virgil and Gordon are still sitting upright you wonder why they didn’t just borrow somebody’s car. Virgil is worried that the next train is due soon. "Ahhh, relax, will ya’?" says Gordon. He’s clearly feeling quite confident.

Borinder and Sir Jeremy have been tied up and are enjoying themselves immensely. Dr Godber demands the formula but they’re adamant that they won’t tell him. We then discover that the swine has tied Penelope to a ladder positioned across the tunnel! If that isn’t perilous I don’t know what is.

With the express train due any moment, she is surely doomed unless Godber is given the formula. "You barbaric fiend!" cries Sir Jeremy and one can’t help but agree. They still refuse to give him the formula, though, citing that the dangers of somebody carrying out the process incorrectly are unthinkable. Godber’s not happy.

Outside the tunnel, Alan is having a pow-wow with Parker, and reports the situation to Jeff.

Jeff is concerned.

The express train enters the tunnel. Tension mounts as Godber continues to ask for the formula, Sir Jeremy demands he release Penelope and the Tracy brothers advance up the tunnel. Eventually they reach Godber’s lair and prepare to burst into action.

The sequence is enlivened by superb puppetry.

Godber says that it is now too late to save Penelope and that the train will claim her life. Suddenly, Gordon bursts in and starts shooting at random. A short firefight breaks out between Godber and Gordon. Crockey explodes.

Sir Jeremy implores Weasel Man to stop the train, but the poor fellow gets shot! Godber shoots the control panel. "Zat means ve can’t stop ze train!" yells Borinder, as the train zooms down the tunnel. Godber attempts to use Borinder as a hostage and orders Gordon to give himself up.

Godber threatens to push Borinder out in front of the express train, though how he thinks he’s going to do it when they’re at the back of the room and Gordon is at the door I have no idea. Whilst Godber begins a countdown, and the train continues on its way, Virgil tries shooting the ladder down.

Gordon shoots the gun from Godber’s hand, and Virgil saves Penelope in the nick of time! The train roars overhead as Virgil holds Penelope close to him.

Despite only being puppets, it’s amazing how much they can convey expressions and emotions. Seriously great stuff going on there.

Alan and Parker look on anxiously and report to Jeff that something must have gone wrong. Jeff appears to have predicted a happy outcome as he’s beaming away like a man who’s just been bought a particularly scrumptious cake.

Sure enough, the Monobrake emerges from the tunnel with everybody aboard, safe and sound.

"Looks like another rescue operation is successfully completed!" cries Alan. Interestingly, we never find out what happens to Godber. My guess is that he was ruthlessly shot to pieces by a maniacally chirpy Gordon, who exclaimed "Ahhh, relax, will ya’?" after every shot pumped into Godber’s twitching body. But that may be dramatic licence on my part.

Anyway, we cut to our final scene via real life footage of Parisian nightlife and return to that café we saw earlier. Penelope, Sir Jeremy and a petulant Alan are being serenaded by the beaky waiter, who’s apparently also a violinist as well as being a compulsive liar.

"A fine thing!" announces Alan, whose eyes appear to have taken on a Terminator-esque sheen, "My first night in Paris, EVER, and I get serenaded with geepsy museec!" "Now that will do, Alan," replies Penelope, "You just drink up your coke." I’m glad that a man apparently too young to drink alcohol is allowed to participate in life-and-death rescue attempts, not to mention being International Rescue’s principal astronaut. Apparently the other Tracy brothers have shoved off to the Folies Bergère (no, really), leaving Alan having to contemplate a rumba with Parker at the local nightclub (again, really) – when it turns out that Parker’s brought Tin Tin along for Alan to go out with!

Oh Parker, you old romantic! Whatever would we all do without you?

Penelope is hesitant to sip her Pernod, remembering that last time she did so there was a bang and off they went on another adventure. Sir Jeremy urges her to see what happens this time and when she raises the glass there is indeed another bang! But - ha ha - it’s just a firework show! Ho ho! How precious. And with our heroes enjoying this impromptu magical moment, our story ends with some rousing music cribbed from a classical track.

International Rescue craft used: Thunderbird 2, the Monobrake, Thunderbird 1 (not involved in rescue)

Victims: Lady Penelope, Sir Jeremy, Professor Borinder

Rescued by: Virgil and Gordon, with Alan on standby. In addition, Parker saves Penelope’s life twice earlier on. Three times if you include packing the cocoa.

A nice little episode overall that heralds the beginning of a sub series of "Penelope Investigates" episodes in which Penelope will prove herself to be incredibly competent for 75% of the story before being easily captured and needing to be rescued by the burly Tracy boys. Such episodes relied less on spectacle and more on characters and humour, to varying degrees of success. However, this episode gets it right with a story that, whilst a bit too convoluted for its own good (the stuff with the matchbox goes nowhere, nor does the subplot involving the attendant), still stands up pretty well. Probably not what you’d expect from Thunderbirds, what with International Rescue being mostly sidelined, but enjoyable enough.

Tune in next week for Terror in New York City. Here’s the trailer!

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