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11 Title "Farewell the Eternal Battlefield" Last episode voice over "While trapped in the sea of trees, X Bomber was attacked by the Imperial Battlecruiser led by its ruthless new commander. They escaped with their power shields badly damaged." What happens The episode opens with Shiro in bed. He wears his stupid space helmet in bed. Did no one take a moment to think how metal that looked? It makes our hero look like he’s got special needs.
He’s half awake, half asleep and moaning about Captain Carter. I think he loves Captain Carter. But his feeble crush does yield something useful – he’s recognised the voice of the new alien commander. He just doesn’t believe it.
Shiro announces his suspicions to the others when he takes up his position on the bridge. "Yeah – I thought so as well" says Barry. Fuck off Barry.
PPA picks up another distress call. Barry and Shiro say to ignore it because it might be another trap. Dr Benn is less of a selfish dick and says they have to investigate it because someone might be in need of help.
The order is given for the boys to go down in Dai X. This means Lamia going to John Lee’s bedroom to wake him up. He appears to have the top bunk. Maybe that’s why Barry’s got such a strangely shaped face – John Lee’s mattress has been pressing down on it all night, every night.
You probably can’t make it out but there is a bubble of something coming out of Lee’s mouth. I don’t even want to think what it is.
They used stock footage of the other two but shot some new material as John Lee arrives in his little cockpit half dressed.
They narrow the source of the distress call down to this planet. Out of all the others near by.
They find some scary ruins – that’s bound to be where the distress call is coming from.
They get out and walk – finding a door that is both locked and which is keeping them from the girl that is making the distressing noises. Shiro tells Barry to blast the door down.
He blasts the door in instead. Same difference.
They find a girl covered in cobwebs. Maybe she’s the one in distress.
She is. She actually bloody is. And she’s ginger.
She tries to explain about the planet and the war and things. But being ruddy Star Fleet she can’t just tell us – she has to close her eyes and give us a misty montage.
The Imperial Alliance attacked them some years ago (sob) without warning and destroyed everything.
The attack was led by Commander Makara (sniffle) and it killed her parents.
Since then, she’s been imprisoned in an iron mask while the Alliance used (blub) the planet as a battlefield to test their tanks and things. All very moving really.
Back in the present day, they are spotted by an Alliance war ship. The commander’s voice booms down. Shiro recognises it as Captain Carter. The newly evil Captain cackles like evil people are wont to do.
Carter gives Shiro an ultimatum – give up F-Zero-1 or be destroyed. Shiro picks being destroyed. Captain Carter is not appalled – he just orders fighters be launched to make Shiro all dead and pulpy.
But the fighters don’t attack Team Shiro – they attack the dead tanks and armaments on the planet’s surface. Confusing.
The dead tanks come to life. Not good.
They emerge from the ground like the Dalek in that end of episode cliff-hanger that would’ve been great if said Dalek hadn’t grunted and groaned and coughed and spluttered as it did so.
The newly revived tanks do what newly revived tanks always do – they start shooting. At anything and everything.
Luckily, the boys get back to Dai X and take off. Stupidly they spread out and start engaging separately. Why not – you know – join forces in that cool way you do? Please?
Yay – they have a coming together. Time for the big guy to start squashing insane tank creatures with minds of their own.
Dai X unloads with cannons that presumably don’t work when the three ships are separate. A design flaw methinks.
BOSH~!
CRASH~!
Carnage. Don’t piss Dai X off. That’s today’s moral.
The princess pipes up – now that Dai X has destroyed all the tanks and fighters that were waging their bizarre war on her planet, flowers will grow again and everything will be lovely.
She goes to sleep like in a fairy tale.
And turns into a rose. They decide she was never really there. Which makes absolutely no sense but never mind.
Dai X flies back to X Bomber using the back stroke. Show off.
Next episode voice over "Captain Carter, brainwashed by Commander Makara, attempts to destroy X Bomber from within. Shiro Hagen is determined to confront his former tutor in single combat. There can only be one survivor. Who will he be? Don’t miss the next episode of STAR FLEET~!" Review A strange episode and no mistake. It seems to only be there so Dai X can punch the hell out of some model tanks. This is not necessarily a bad thing. We watch Star Fleet so Dai X can punch the hell out of things after all. But to get to Dai X punching the hell out of things we have to be introduced to the one girl in all the galaxy that is wetter than Lamia. And because Shiro is in an extremely vulnerable emotional state - Captain Carter man-crush and everything - he is practically sobbing along to her tale of invasion, carnage and being a flower with ginger hair in an unforgiving world. I would also draw your attention back to the bubble of spit coming out of John Lee's mouth while he was half asleep. It's that insane attention to detail which makes Star Fleet so bizarrely different from everything else in the genre. No, it isn't pleasant and yes, they could've used the time it took to install and configure that pump improving the story but it reminds us that some very odd people made Star Fleet and that helps to sooth the boredom when you watch a pretty dull episode like this one.
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