w/e 1st April 2006

An unforeseen effect of the Download Revolution has been that, apparently, because there is so much more choice, sales of singles have been spread far more thinly over many more different releases. Which means that the best selling singles are now selling less copies each, and people are crying out that single sales are low, when in fact they are booming. This means that a terrible song by Orson reached number 1 last week by selling about eight copies, and this week we have the absurd situation of old Britpop has-beens Embrace almost snatching a number 1 with new track "Nature's Law". It's actually rather good, but my download site of choice for some reason doesn't stock it, so it looks like I'll have to hike down to an actual shop sometime and buy it, using real money and everything. So much for the digital revolution.

Lost Michael Jackson apparently wants to hook up with our favourite rapper Fiddy, it's been reported this week - that means, by the way, that he mentioned the name to someone who told someone else and suddenly there's an album coming. There won't be. Jacko is a genius, but he hasn't got off his ass since the turn of the decade - his last album proper took six years to make and then he decided not to promote it. When will people realise that you have to push an album to make it a success, just like any other product. In fact, it applies especially to music because it's not a "must have" commodity - people won't set out for the shops every four years in search of the new Jackson album. They have to be told it's there. How often has a slightly less dedicated friend thumbed through my record collection, found a CD that didn't do especially well, and remarked "Oh, I like them! I haven't seen this one before!". Now consider how absurd it is that people are observing that the current run of Jackson single re-issues have "flopped". This is unpromoted product, containing a song and a video that in every case has been released numerous times already, for a fiver a throw, up to three quid more than other competing single releases! The question should not be why they didn't all make number 1, but how on Earth they're all reaching the Top 20 at all. As for Jacko and Fiddy, don't hold your breath. How about less chillin' by the pool Mikey, and more "gettin' down to business in the studio"? Elsewhere on Fiddy Watch, further to last week, album number three is apparently due this summer, according to the new Q. Perhaps Eminem changed his mind and granted his blessing? Or perhaps the original story was utter bollocks. But at least it was bollocks you read here first.

This weeks number 1 is historic for being the first ever "download only" chart topper. At the moment some weird chart rules allow downloads to chart before the CD single has hit the shops, but only the immediate week before. This has resulted in new entries now appearing on the chart a week early, at some low position, to climb to their natural entry point seven days later. This is fine, by it's absurd that downloads available more than a week before shop release are not eligible for the charts. In my view, if it's available to buy either on-line or in HMV, it should be chart eligible! Surely having a song that you can buy over two weeks in exactly the same way, but which can only be "counted" for the official chart for half of that time, is tantamount to fixing the stats? I want to know what's going to happen if, having charted the week before release on downloads, a single's physical release is then pushed back due to, for example, a pressing plant problem or something. Are they going to re-do the previous weeks chart? Or just let it go?

What is it about biopics? Every week a new one is mooted and the rumours are never true. "Britney Spears to play Janis Joplin!" trumpeted the "headlines" (or, more accurately, a small box at the back of the Daily Star and an internet message board somewhere) this week. I would bet my bottom it will never, even happen. If it does, it shouldn't do of course. Pop Tool Britney and her one flop-movie is hardly the perfect choice to play whiskey-addled sixties hippie soul singer Joplin is she? As with most news read on the Internet, it's impossible to tell the truth from the lies. Madonna fans are worst - my other half makes a gallant attempt each day to catch up on the latest plans of the Queen of Pop, but it's impossible! Those pesky fan sites and message boards will say anything! There are people out there rigging up 'faked' release artwork and concert posters, never mind being able to find an honest single voice that knows when the tour dates will be announced. At least you don't get that with smaller artists - it's hard to imagine the title of the new Beautiful South album being shrouded in deliberately manufactured false information and subterfuge, simply because only seven of us actually care these days.

Finally, Robbie is recording a video for his next single, "Sin Sin Sin", in Africa. I've just dug the album out and it ain't all that. Perhaps he's saving the best track, "Ghosts" as a tour-promoting fourth single for the summer? This one will probably only make the Top 10 because the charts aren't horrendously busy right now - and because it's been four months since "Advertising Space", the last single off "Intensive Care". Still, at least he's keeping his hand in. See you next week!