A Royal Flush

25th December 1986

Rodney bumps into Victoria – the Duke of Melberry’s daughter. But before long, Del has planned the Wedding of the Year…

Lady Victoria Marsham Hayles was raised in Berkshire, her Mother was a painter who died when she was twelve (Rodney somewhat haphazardly later states this was "nine years ago", so she is twenty one) and her Father is the Duke of Melberry, a "second cousin to the Queen". Vicki has been in London for three months.

Sid’s Café has now grown in size from earlier series, and is on location. It’s known as the "fatty thumb" amongst regulars.

In something of a masterstroke, Junee from "Happy Returns" is back. She’s rather wonderful here, has massive tits, and gains a surname – Snell. It’s revealed she lives in "Zimbabwe House" . Debbie (her daughter, from "Happy Returns") is living with "a Cypriot geezer" (it’s an unnecessary detail for us to learn here, but demonstrates what a rich tapestry the "Only Fools" world is to those who listen to the episodes carefully). Amongst other scenes we lose in the "2004 version" is Rodney, Del and Albert driving along in the three-wheel van, which has been disinfected after Junee has been "unwell" in it on the way home.

Rodney is shocked when the Opera House charges £8 for a programme (which is a sign of the times – he should go to a Madonna concert today).

Rodney got a Nik Kershaw LP for his birthday and spent 3 months at Basingstoke College (scene of the "wacky bakky" incident referred to in countless other episodes). He was five when Joany Trotter died, which seems to have passed into established fact by this point. Rodney actually seems to mention what she died of, but frustratingly he mumbles and it isn’t clear on-screen. However, the script book reveals that all he actually says is "She just had something wrong with her".

The Trotter’s had a great uncle Jack, who was "a tobacco baron". Rodney appears to be a Chelsea supporter and once joined the army cadets.

How did the Trotter’s get all the way back from Berkshire to London after the party when both have been drinking all night? It’s unexplained where Del picks up his odd prowess at Clay Pigeon shooting from.

Victoria’s bob is quite obviously a hair piece and makes her look like Pete Burns from "Dead Or Alive". Junee’s big blue fur coat.

As the episode starts, Del is trying to flog "handmade Indonesian steel" cutlery sets from the market.

Junee requests a Benedictine and Lemonade.

Punters really got a great deal when this episode was released on DVD. It’s not been cleaned up, there’s a crap echoey laughter track, no extras and half the scenes are missing because it’s the "2004 version". All this and you have to buy the 45 minute episode on a single full-price DVD – cheers.

This was Sarah Duncan’s (Victoria) only acting role. Peter Tuddenham, popular amongst science fiction fans for his voice work on "Doctor Who" and, most notably, "Blakes 7", appears as Charles, one of the nobility.

Eastenders was clearly the talk of the BBC this year – after seeing an episode playing in The Nag’s Head in "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", Victoria now notes that Rodney’s life is "frightfully Albert Square".

"Limpy Lionel" is mentioned (the mind boggles) and Del got his shot-gun off "’iggy ‘iggins", a bank robber!

"People round here don’t pay £85 for a painting… people round here don’t pay £85 for a car"

"What is sir’s pleasure?" Del is asked at the country manor, to which he replies "Birds and curry!"

This is better than I remember it, an unfestive Christmas episode of the "Del holds Rodney back" mould. In truth, even though the DVD release is cut to shreds you don’t miss much, and the script is very witty – the re-appearance of Junee from "Happy Returns" is also welcome. However, this rapidly winds up one of those episodes that it’s actually painful to watch, as Del turns up at the country manor to humiliate Rodney, and even attempts to pay off the Duke. He’s horrible here, and it’s heartbreaking to hear Vicky’s final words to Rodney – "Are you still staying overnight? Or…". At the end you begin to wonder if comedy should really be so unpleasant to watch.