"His name is Mr Dithers and he has a breakdown va-ha-han,

If you're in trouble and need help, he'll help you if he ca-ha-han.

He can scrub for you, and he'll rub for you, and I'll tell you something more.

He can brush your cat, he can brush your mat -

And he can brush the floor

If you have anything to mend then please just send for him.

Sometimes he'll make a mess of things, for he is dithery-hee-hee.

But he'll never rest til he's done his best, and he'll help you all he ca-han!

Send for Dithers and you will always get...

The nicest help-you man."

Send for Dithers was yet another sixties puppet series from Roberta 'Space Patrol' Leigh. After the moderate success of Space Patrol, Leigh seemed to take a step backwards in storytelling, preferring to target young children instead of the family audience that Space Patrol had caught.

The Space Patrol DVD set features episodes of these later shows, and also several pilot films that ultimately never made it to a series. Send for Dithers apparently somehow made it to a run of 13 episodes, the first of which appears on this set.

During the opening titles, as the above song is sung, we see Dithers drive his breakdown van all over Tweedletown, looking for people to help. But he doesn't find anyone in need of his particular brand of expertise, so he gives up and goes home. Oh, and there's also a dead-looking penguin in the passenger seat. Because, you know, obviously. I mean, duh. Of course he has a penguin.

The story opens outside Dithers' Let-Me-Help-You agency, which basically consists of a small office building, a driveway for the breakdown van, and a junkyard.

"I hope someone will telephone me soon and ask me to help them." moans Dithers. "It's no fun running a Help-You agency if no-one needs your help." Indeed not. In fact, I'd imagine that's not so much 'no fun' as 'facing imminent unemployment', but of course such things as that never trouble the world of children's puppet shows.

At that moment - what are the odds? - the telephone rings. "Now, where did I put the telephone?" wonders Dithers, and he immediately begins searching through the junkyard, eventually finding the telephone in a white box, inside a brown paper bag, which for some reason has a load of sawdust in it. Because obviously that's where you keep the telephone. Not in the office or anything. Dear me no. I mean, what if it rained? You need to get the telephone outside so that it can get wet. Or stolen. Or both.

A lumpy, balding man with three chins suddenly pops up on screen and declares "I'm Mr Biggs, the manager of Biggs Supermarket." He's phoned Dithers to ask him to deliver a 'package' to one of his 'customers', and Dithers announces that he'll come over right away. The phonecall abruptly ends, and Biggs tells his secretary to bring the parcel up to his office, so that Dithers can take it as soon as he arrives. Except that surely it would be easier to leave the parcel downstairs, unless Dithers is planning to parachute onto the top of the supermarket and then climb down the side of the building to enter Biggs' office through the window. This is clearly an important parcel that Mr Biggs wants to guard with his life. My guess? Drugs. Lots of them.

"Dithers of the Help-You agency is at your service!" cries Dithers when he arrives in Biggs' office. "I hope it's a good service?" Biggs asks quietly, in a "Here's twenty quid to keep schtum." voice. "The very best!" Dithers declares, and if that's the case then I weep for the state of Let-Me-Help-You agencies in this country.

Mr Biggs explains that Mrs Barker bought the parcel as a surprise for her son Johnny, and that Dithers has to deliver it immediately. I can't quite understand what's going on here - if she bought it from the supermarket, then why didn't she take it home then and there? And if it's come from abroad, why has it come to the supermarket? And how much would the postage be?

Too many questions. And not enough answers. Nevertheless, Dithers picks up the parcel and marches out of the supermarket, without even asking about his fee. Truly, Dithers is a selfless man indeed.

An alien with a patch over one eye is sweeping the street outside the supermarket. "Good 'eavens!" cries he. "A walkin' parcel!" But Dithers protests. "It isn't a walking parcel!" he cries. "It's me, Dithers!" With that, a weird organ fanfare suddenly plays, perhaps suggesting that Dithers is royalty or something.

Dithers turns to cross the road, but suddenly..."Stop!" cries a deep voice. "You can't cross the road without being able to see the traffic!" The voice is coming from inside the parcel, and it doesn't seem to phase Dithers at all that he's being given road safety instructions from a talking parcel. The parcel makes a weird squwarking noise, and then advises Dithers to put him down and check that it's safe to cross. "You'd better do as the parcel says." says the alien streetsweeper in a vaguely threatening manner. Perhaps he and the parcel are in cahoots, and they're planning to kidnap Dithers, bundle him into the parcel and then ship him behind the Iron Curtain to set up a Let-Me-Help-You agency there.

Or perhaps not.

"Always stop at the curb first." Dithers explains, as happy jolly funtime music plays. "Then look right...and left...and right again!" A brief shot of a real life road is inserted as Dithers declares that it is now safe to cross. "So it is!" notes the alien, in a way that sounds like he's decided that he too will join in in this whole 'crossing-the-road' thing, because it sounds like such fun.

Dithers picks up the parcel again. "Don't move!" says the deep voice of the parcel. See? I was right, it is an ambush. The alien probably has a gun in Dither's back and will now lead him down some dark alley where he can put him the parcel and have him shipped off to Russia.

Alas not. "Now you've picked me up again, you can't see the road anymore." explains the parcel. "Dear dear dear, you're quite right." replies Dithers. Look, there's a simple way round this. Just ask the one-eyed alien to tell you when the way is clear. He seems trustworthy.

"Ooh, that parcel's talking sense." notes the alien. "You'd better put it down again." Good God, they're going to be at this all day. Poor Johnny Barker will be 30 by the time this parcel gets to his house.

Dithers decides to push the parcel along to the traffic lights, which seems a sensible thing to do. The alien goes back to sweeping the street, and without so much as a goodbye, Dithers walks out of his life forever.

Dithers and the parcel arrive at the traffic lights, and I notice a weird bit of graffiti on the wall of the supermarket that says "Vote for Biggs." First, graffiti is a weird thing to see in a sixties kids tv programme, and second...vote for Biggs in what respect? Is he running for Mayor? If he is, then that isn't mentioned in this story. Perhaps it's setting up events for a future episode or something. No doubt his election campaign will be ruined by the madcap antics of Dithers.

The traffic lights turn red, and some real-life traffic waits patiently as Dithers begins to cross. "We're nearly at the other side!" he declare, before even stepping off the pavement. The traffic suddenly begins to move, and all it needs is to be sped up a bit, with the sound of honking horns and people crying "Get him!" for it to look like they're all trying to run Dithers over.

Unfortunately, Dithers makes it to the other side, and then decides to look for the address on the parcel, to see where he has to take it. Well, why didn't you check before crossing the road, you idiot? It'd serve him right if the parcel needed to be delivered to the other end of the town.

Actually, no, because then we'd have to watch him mastering the art of crossing the road again, and I don't think I could take that.

In looking for the address, Dithers knocks the parcel over, and the person inside moans in pain. "I'm not only black and blue," he declares, "I'm brown and green!" Uh-huh. Well, I'm sure that made sense to somebody at the time.

Dithers works out that Johnny Barker lives 'just round the corner', which makes me wonder again why his mother didn't just take the parcel at the time she bought it. Anyway, as Dithers marches down the street to the Barker house, he asks the person inside the parcel the all-important question: "Who are you?" "It's none of your business." replies the parcel snottily. There. That's him told.

Dithers pushes the parcel into the front garden of the Barker house, but he gets his scarf caught in the gate, trips over and drops the parcel, which bursts open, to reveal...

...yes, the mouldy old bow-tie-wearing penguin from the opening credits. So, not drugs. Still, drugs were clearly involved in the writing process, as is now shown when Dithers asks the penguin his name.

Pingu? No.

Percy? No.

Pickuppa? No.

"Mr Perkins."

Yeravinalarf, ainchya?

Fraid not. Mr Perkins the penguin asks Mr Dithers the human to ring the doorbell, and who should answer but...why, it's Prince Harry!

Prince Harry is very upset about the parcel being open, and calls for his mother, who is a very stern lady and quite scary too. She tells him she'll get him another surprise, and sends both Dithers and Perkins away in disgust.

Dithers plans to take Perkins back to the supermarket, but Perkins isn't having any of that. He's just got away from Mrs Perkins and all their kids in the Arctic. Actually, the reason he doesn't want to go back is that he doesn't like sitting on a shop shelf...so maybe he's a toy penguin. I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore...

"You buy me." Perkins suggests, but Dithers is adamant that he can't, given that he hasn't enough money. The solution is simple - he must earn money, and then he can spend it on a talking penguin. "Wouldn't you like me to live with you, and be your best friend?" Perkins asks. "I don't know." replies Dithers. "I've never had a best friend." Aww...

"What do best friends do?" Dithers asks. "I'll tell you." replies Perkins. In a song!

I won't recap the song. It's pretty bad, and neither of them can sing. It's matched to a rather disturbing, Sesame Street-style cartoon and I just don't want to talk about it.

Anyway, by the end of the friendship song Dithers is convinced that Mr Perkins would be a jolly good chum to him indeed, seeing as how he would share his chocolates with him. Dithers is easily bought.

Meanwhile, Mr Biggs is listening to Mrs Barker complain over the phone about Dithers' accident with the parcel, and he offers to take the penguin back. "I'll never use Dithers again." declares Biggs, as he puts the phone down. That's a promise that will last all of, oh, about five seconds, as Dither returns. No fanfare this time, and as Dithers makes his excuses I notice that he's lost his scarf. Probably sold it to the alien to get money to buy the stupid penguin with.

Perkins talks Biggs into giving Dithers another job so that he can earn the money to buy him with, and so Biggs assigns him as doorman for a day, to replace the one who's gone home with a bad cold or something. Dither vows to do his very best, so now, let's watch the carnage ensue...

Outside, Dithers is moaning about how many times he's had to open the doors to the supermarket, and while he's doing that, Mrs Barker creeps in behind him. Dithers suddenly gets frustrated with Perkins, and throws open one of the supermarket doors for absolutely no reason. It slams into Mrs Barker, who goes flying into a display rack and, by the looks of things, breaks her neck in the process.

"Oh dear." says Dithers, with all the concern of a man who's just been told that one of his library books is a day overdue. "Flying fleas!" he then adds as Mrs Barker gets to her feet again - not only because she survived his assault, but because she's going to report him to Mr Biggs. Rather than try to kill her again, he just watches her go, and soon Mr Biggs fires him for the second time.

But Perkins has a cunning new tactic - perhaps Mr Biggs could give Dithers another job! That's a new approach! Sure, he messed up the first two jobs, but third time's the charm, right?

Yes, if you haven't guessed by now, this is the early puppet version of 'Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em'.

Mr Biggs simply can't resist such an adorable little penguin, and assigns Dithers to clean all the windows. Dithers sets about his duties with a spring in his step and a song in his heart.

473 windows later (no, really), Dithers is getting quite tired, and so Perkins suggests that he uses a hose to the clean the last window. Yes, he's only now making that suggestion. Mr Biggs' window is the last window...

Hmm....Dithers + hose + Mr Biggs....surely it can only equal ribtickling hilarity!

"I wonder how Dithers is getting on with the windows." wonders Mr Biggs. "Mine could do with a good clean."

"Cleaning Mr Biggs' window with a hosepipe is an excellent idea." notes Dithers.

"What a lovely day it is." says Mr Biggs. "I'll open the window and breath in some lovely fresh air."

"Here we go!" cries Dithers.

Even a fetus could guess what's about to happen.

"Good heavens!" exclaims Dithers, as Biggs gets a soaking. Still, it's not his fault. But he doesn't actually turn off the hose once he's spotted Biggs, which means...

"Get out of my sight!!!"

Dithers offers to dry Biggs, but not even that can calm the mood of the supermarket owner / future mayor of Tweedletown, who is so disgusted with both Dithers and the penguin that he lets Dithers have the penguin for free. Which was jolly decent of him.

"Well, Dithers." says Mr Perkins. "Now I belong to you." "I only hope I'll like it." says Dithers, nervously.

Thus ends the first chapter in a 13-episode saga that tells the story of that most forbidden of forbidden loves - that of a stupid, stupid man for a diseased, bow-tie-wearing penguin. Sadly, I don't have access to the further adventures of Dithers and Perkins, although with such a winning formula, who knows what high drama could have unfolded in those other twelve episodes? Perhaps the Mafia hire Dithers as an assassin. Maybe Mr Biggs is revealed to be the Mr Big of the local crime syndicate. Perhaps another Help-You agency is opened just down the street, and Dithers finds that he's getting fewer and fewer calls to help people with their cats and mats. There's the aforementioned 'Mr Biggs runs for Mayor' story. Maybe Mrs Perkins catches up with her errant husband, and demands he returns with her to wherever he came from in the first place. Perhaps young Johnny Barker is kidnapped, and Dithers and Perkins must team up with Mrs Barker to rescue him from time-travelling robot ninjas.

Or perhaps Dithers might even end up hurtling through Tweedletown on a pair of rollerskates, before crashing into Biggs' supermarket and landing in a cot.

Stranger things have happened.