Stoppit and Tidyup

In the late 1980s, Britain was a country in crisis. Specifically, children did not know enough about recycling. But it had been noted that children watched television...so perhaps this medium could be utilised to instruct children in the noble art of recycling? Perhaps a cartoon series, showing characters cheerfully recycling all day long, would help to repair the damage?

The call went out. "Who can produce the series we require?" asked the BBC. Many companies tried their best, but none were suitable. Then a company called CMTB Animation came along. "We can do it!" they cried. "We produced Trap Door, you know!" And thus they were dismissed, with orders not to return until they had completed a series of 13 5-minute cartoons of such power and high moral standards that children all over the country would take to recycling in a big way.

Unfortunately, the BBC had forgotten that Trap Door had been completely and utterly insane, telling as it did the story of a blue blob who ran around bonking monsters and saying 'globbits' a lot.

Thus, when CMTB delivered the series to the BBC, they were not confronted with a series that would educate children, but instead one that would warp their fragile minds with tales of stolen gherkins and outbreaks of Naughtypox. The BBC, in its infinite wisdom, threw up its hands in despair, and then hired Terry Wogan to narrate this voyage of insanity. Thus was a small piece of television magic born.

A very small piece. Miniscule, if you will. But magic, nonetheless.

Note - the above may or may not be true. I have no idea of how the show really came about - but each episode ends with a 'The Tidy Britain Group' caption, underneath that logo of a guy putting something in a bin, so I just guess that there's some vague educational element at work here.

Or perhaps not.

Stoppit and Tidyup live in the land of Do-As-Your-Told, which looks a very nice place indeed. Terry Wogan certainly tries his best to really sell it whenever he talks about it. Stoppit is a small red ball of barely-supressed rage, while Tidyup is a big cheerful purple fellow with bright blue hair, a line in snazzy ties, and a foghorn instead of vocal cords. But they're not the only characters. Oh no.We see the others in the opening titles, parading across the screen one after the other, seemingly oblivious of the fact that their very existence is contrary to all laws of the universe. Each episode, we will meet one or more of the following...

Comb Your Hair - yeah...a six-legged blue cowlike creature, with pink spots, and a head of red hair. His *entire* head, in case it's not clear.

Wash Your Face - um...he's a turd, with legs, basically. And some black hair. And boots. Enjoys jumping in puddles. Hurry Up - A little orange flying fuzzball. With eyes.

Go And Play - A green guy. Vaguely human looking. Wears only boxer shorts and socks. Enjoys playing with his toys whilst making disturbing 'mmm-mmm' noises.

Calm Down - A small, jittery, banana-like creature on legs. Carries his umbrella with him at all times. Sort of like a cartoon Sylvester McCoy, if you will. Not Now - A little pink rock-like creature. With legs.

Don't Do That - A psycho-looking spider/crab-thing.

Go To Bed - A white, sleepy...lump. With red hair. Take Care - Um...it's a blue kangaroo, with tiny wings instead of arms and little claws instead of feet. His head looks like a dying tree, and he carries some mail in his pouch. No idea why. I sincerely doubt anyone in the land of Do-As-You're-Told can read or write...

Eat Your Greens - A small frog, but with no front legs. Has blue hair. Likes eating vegetables.

Clean Your Teeth - Um...oh, the picture's there, decide for yourselves.

The Big Bad I Said No - He's big. He's bad. He's red. He has severe mobility problems.

I missed out the two bees, Beehave and Beequiet...because they're the stars of today's episode. "Let's meet Beequiet and Beehave." says Terry. Oh, yes, by all means. By the way, did that opening get you in the mood to recycle yet?

Tidyup lives in a big gherkin. He likes his gherkins, does old Tidyup. If only he could see that one in the London, he'd be overjoyed. Anyway, Tidyup pokes his head out of his house, and Terry notes that it looks like it might rain soon. Not to worry, he says, because Tidyup likes the rain. Oh good.

The two bees fly casually through his garden, and Tidyup honks at them. Apparently, says Terry, he likes them, and they often come around to look at his garden. "And why not?" says Mr Wogan, cryptically. Why not indeed?

Beequiet accidentally knocks the giant wig off the top of Tidyup's house, and both he and Terry Wogan are horrified because that's the roof of his house! When it rains, he'll be flooded! Needless to say, Tidyup is distraught.

See? He makes his 'worried foghorn' noise. It's no different from any other noise he makes, but it's still hilarious.

"Poor old Tidyup." says Terry, as the bees drop the wig and it lands somewhere in the distance. "He couldn't have a house without a roof." notes Mr Wogan. "Especially if it rained." "Uh-huh." says Tidyup. Wogan and Tidyup have a nice rapport going. It's surprising that they've not done more together.

The wig landed in the dump, which is just over the bridge from Tidyup's house, and, coincidentally, that's where Stoppit lives. Tidyup plods cheerfully into the dump, waving at the camera, and begins to rummage for his missing wig-hair roof.

I'd just like to point out here that Terry Wogan is an inspired choice of narrator for the series. He's got such a soothing voice, and somehow he manages to convince you that even though he's talking to a cartoon foghorn, and you've got no chance of understanding what the heck is going on, it doesn't matter. He doesn't mind. That's something that's missing from kid's tv today. Programs like these, and narrators like Willie Rushton, Bernard Cribbins, Eric Thompson, Brian Cant, Arthur Lowe, Ringo Starr and Ray Brooks are long gone. That gentleness has gone, replaced by in-your-face shouting and non-stop action. Give me insanity over action any day, thank you very much.

Sorry, I think I've got something in my eye...Anyway, back to our story.

Stoppit comes out to see what Tidyup is doing, and assumes that he's tidying up the dump. "He thought that was really fun." says Terry.

"Until he got squashed by a teapot."

Now there's something sadly missing in today's kids tv. Random teapot-related injuries.

Tidyup finds the wig, and cheerfully heads back to the bridge, but what's this? Stoppit has blocked it with rubbish, in revenge for getting squashed by the teapot. How will Tidyup get home again?

Well, the bees soon return, and Tidyup has an idea. "He gets ideas, y'know." says Terry. I'm sure he does...

The ever-resourceful Tidyup is soon being airlifted home, sitting on the wig that Beequiet now holds in his feet. We watch Tidyup sail through the sky...and Stoppit appears, having gotten Beehave to give him a lift in his teapot. Stoppit fidgets around so much that the two bees collide! He giggles as his good friend Tidyup plummets to certain doom...

...straight back into his house, with the wig landing back on top too. Hooray for Tidyup!

Beehave decides to drop Stoppit off at the dump...literally...

"Unfortunately, poor old Stoppit landed right on top of his own house, and you know what? It finally did rain after all."

The bees go home, while Stoppit gets soaked to the skin. The last shot is, as always, Tidyup sounding his horn at the top of his lungs, celebrating his victory over Stoppit. In the words of Colonel White, he has won this round...but the war isn't over yet.

So, children, what have we learned about recycling? Well, not a lot. We did learn that you can fall from several hundred feet onto your backside without serious injury. We learnt that you can live and play in a junkyard without risk of catching various diseases (except you have to watch out for the occasional falling teapot). And we learned that things have a habit of working themselves out for the best in the end.

That's not the way life works, but it would be nice if it did.