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If television is the idiot's lantern then the subjective opinions of someone unqualified to write about television must surely be the idiot's lectern. |
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Teachers Channel 4, 2001-2004 I’ll never quite understand why "Teachers" isn’t considered one of the all time classics. Lesser shows such as "This Life" get all the kudos while Teachers remains just one of those things lots of people have seen but few would ever remember when discussing great television. Few – if any – comedy dramas have ever quite got the comedy drama thing as right as Teachers did. Maybe that’s part of the problem – comedy drama is a strange genre which struggles to compete for plaudits with straight comedies and dramas. It was nominated for plenty of awards but doesn’t appear to have won any of them. After the fourth season was quietly received it wasn’t recommissioned. At first it is a show based around Andrew Lincoln’s character, Simon Casey. Simon is in his mid-20s, teaching English at a comprehensive school and spending every night getting drunk with his mates. All of whom teach at the same school. Simon has a new girlfriend who he is unable to appreciate fully (a) because she’s a police officer and (b) he’s got a weird crush on another teacher at the school – ice maiden Jenny who is everything Simon is not. Simon’s mates are Susan (the sensible one of the group who teaches psychology but is sensible only in relation to the other three), Kurt (the small, fairly stupid IT teacher) and Brian (the really stupid PE teacher who shares a flat with Kurt).
Over the course of the four seasons all of the above left the show. Simon went travelling near the end of series two and, apart from a brief return during series three, wasn’t heard from again. Susan and Jenny left between series 2 and 3 with absolutely no explanation at all and Kurt and Brian were apparently killed between series 3 and 4 and we opened the final season with the new cast urinating on their gravestones.
Not all the new characters worked. JP was brought in for the second series – he was Scouse and gay and couldn’t act at all. Aside from one amusing episode where Brian ham fistedly questioned his own sexuality, the gay thing was just really annoying with lots of "Just because I’m gay…" and "Is it because I’m gay?" dialogue. Simon’s replacement was Matt who never really developed a proper character. In some episodes he was the sensitive one, in others he was just another bloke and towards the end they decided he was the selfish one who wouldn’t help anyone with anything. The actor, James Lance, gave the same performance whichever personality he was sporting that week. More successful additions were Lindsay – the big boned Geordie biology teacher – and Penny – the initially manipulative English teacher who later evolved into being extremely shallow. She had an affair with a pupil at one point – the pupil would go on to take up his bow and become Robin Hood 2006.
The final series is the one which brought in the most change. The old school was replaced with a new one (because Channel 4 had secured a three year lease on the original property and presumably couldn’t get it renewed) and three of the five central characters were newbies. Ewan is the likable head of English who is impossibly successful getting women into bed and who doesn’t seem to have a bad bone in his body. Damien is the sarcastic and bitter food technology teacher who doesn’t really develop much beyond being sarcastic and hostile to everyone. The best of the new bunch is hypochondriac Ben Birkett who teaches RE, doesn’t believe in God (at least not until a bolt of lightning cures a disabled boy at the exact moment Ben demands a sign that God exists) and is convinced he’s going to die at any moment.
The characters spend most of their time agonising over the (perceived) failures in their lives while they drink and smoke themselves to death every night. The conversations are absurd, the dialogue is fruity and is it mostly very funny. The key is that the characters for the most part don’t really like each other. They are friends from work and hang around because they have that in common. Aside from Simon and Susan who seem to know each other from before they worked together and Kurt and Brian (who are frequently referred to as being married) there is very little real friendship there. This is not a show for group hugs and "Oh you GUYS!!!" type moments.
While that is almost painfully realistic, there are plenty of surreal bits in Teachers. The dinner ladies at school are all midgets (except for Elaine who Brian has a crush on and who he dumps before she realises they are in a relationship because he feels under too much pressure to like Wham). There are animals roaming around the school (something which is never ever alluded to). In the background of many scenes we see pupils staging battles, tying each other to trees, blowing things up or performing feats of gymnastics. It all ties in with the idea that these are selfish characters that simply don’t care about anything around them. They just walk through their lives with blinkers on.
The most ridiculous character – and one who lasted through all four series – is Head of English, Bob. At first he was the basic scary boss who harassed Simon for lists of marks and assessments. Over time he became the one person everyone hated and took the piss out of. The more he tried to be liked, the more they disliked him. He spent time living in his car, then the gymnasium and finally in his office after his wife kicked him out. He shagged his way around the middle-aged women of the school once word got out that he was massively endowed. In the final series he decides to become "New Bob" by wearing a toupee and ordering a Thai bride.
The support cast is completed by iron-knickered head mistress Mrs Hunter, fierce school secretary Liz and weird, cross-eyed, mumbling freak Carol. Each day begins with Carol clapping until she gets silence for Mrs Hunter to make some annoying announcement about it being gay awareness week or that all form teachers need to emote more with their classes or to tell everyone off for swearing too much. In lesser hands, Claire's morning address could've become the "This week's episode is about..." but in Teachers it is functional without becoming formulaic.
Words can’t do justice to Teachers. At the end of the day it is full of great characters, boozy chats, slapstick comedy, cynicism and wit. It will speak to anyone who is at that age where they’ve fallen into a job they don’t really like, hang out with people they don’t really like and who can’t be arsed to do anything about it. You can get all four series for less than £22 at Amazon right now and I’d certainly recommend you do so. It’s a classic series.
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