If you were to ask me what the greatest television programme of all time was I would umm and ahh for a few moments and then ask to be allowed three of them. Because I am sure and confident about what the three greatest television programmes ever are. In no particular order they are "Doctor Who", "Light Lunch" and "Jeeves and Wooster". The first is quite obviously the best format ever devised, the second was a briefly perfect alignment of the stars, me and my adored objects, Mel and Sue; and the third manages to take the greatest stories ever written and do them justice. Yes one can quibble that Stephen Fry is a touch too young to play Jeeves but when he is so damned good one wonders if it is worth quibbling. And yes the fourth series does take some astonishing liberties and threatens to tarnish the three years which have gone before it. But none of that distracts from this wonderful programme - it has everything you could ever want from a television show. The leads are magnificent, the supporting cast are never less than topping, the dialogue sparkles, the stories are wonderful and the whole thing simply reeks of quality. And that's why I want to write about it.

This particular guide will contain little (if any) of the mocking, sarcasm or cynicism employed in some of the other guides on this alleged website. This is a labour of pure love and nothing I could ever write or do could possibly be funnier than the programme itself.

That said, it is many years since I last watched it. It finished in 1993 and my off air tapes were rarely out of the video machine for most of the early 1990s. But as always happens, eventually I grew weary of it and put it away in a cupboard. I remember buying the first series on VHS very cheaply from the Co-Op but that was mainly because I was missing the first couple of minutes of episode 2 and wanted to know what I'd missed. That was all I watched of the videos and they too went in a cupboard. Eventually - after far too many years - I got the re-issued DVD boxed set but that sat gathering dust until yesterday. The series was etched on my mind in such glorious detail that a part of me didn't want to go back just in case it wasn't that good after all. I'm delighted to say it is every bit as good as I remembered it being and after what must be ten years in the wilderness I've gone back to the 1920s and literature's finest ever pairing.

This guide will follow the usual pattern and be broken up into a number of sections. Namely,

The episodes don’t have titles so I can only list them by number. Some online sources have assigned names to them but these are either (a) rubbish or (b) taken from one of the short stories adapted (see below). I’ve never thought of them as having titles so I won’t be giving them titles. Air dates on the other hand are a matter or irrefutable fact and I’m happy to give them to you.

Most of the things which happen to Bertie Wooster happen because one of his aunts makes him do something. Whether it is a kindly aunt (a rare breed) or a scary aunt (a common breed) he ends up in scrape after scrape because these elderly puppeteers control his life. Then there are the ogres – formidable, angry old men who hate everything Wooster. His aunts only want to marry Bertie off – the men generally want to horsewhip him or throw him into prison.

It isn’t only the older generation who get Bertie into trouble – his chums from the Drones Club aren’t above landing him in scrapes too. Bertie’s mantra that a chum in need is a chum indeed is a dangerous thing when his dimwitted friends are around.

The ultimate peril – worse than aunts, ogres or chums – is surely girls. Because girls can be married. Bertie doesn’t want to get married (except when he fleetingly decides he does) and yet ends up engaged at least once a fortnight. Simpering girls, formidable girls, corking girls – they all want Bertie. Some want to mould him, some to read poetry with him and some to drag him on adventures.

The show has fantastic dialogue. It’s as simple as that. I don’t want to end up transcribing every great line (I’d be here until doomsday) but I’ll give a few examples of the mot juste. In-context dialogue will pepper the "Bally Balliness" section.

From time to time a little coldness will develop between Bertie and Jeeves. Jeeves will raise an eye brow an eighth of an inch and disapprove of something Bertie is wearing, something he’s doing or something he’s planning. Bertie, determined not to be one of those chaps who is an absolute slave to his valet, digs his heels in and refuses to back down.

More or less what happens. The title comes from Bertie's resigned exclamation that "The bally balliness makes it all seem so bally bally."

No matter how bad things get, no matter how much peril Bertie is in, Jeeves will always come to the rescue. Jeeves moves in mysterious ways.

A hopefully (reasonably) complete list of which short stories or novels have been adapted for this episode.

Bertie has a habit of breaking into song during the episodes. Not in a strange way – this isn’t a musical where antagonists fight to the death with the aid of a choir – but during idle moments in his flat. Jeeves isn’t a fan but it doesn’t quite warrant the slight raising of a disapproving eye brow. He tolerates the noise and hopes his master doesn’t ask him to join in.

A quick verdict on the episode - taking into account that even the lowliest episode is brushing perfection with at least one hand - and a mark out of five to show how pleased or otherwise the young master is.

Colour pictures will also be generously provided for those modern coves with the latest equipment. Some might say too generously.